5 Things From the 90s That Might (As Well) Come Back
1. Lilith FairBack in the mid 90’s a bunch of ladies saw the success of Lollapalooza and decided to show the world that sisters could do it for themselves. Soon a group of somewhat talented artists banded together united only by their one hit wonder status and lack of a penis. Shawn Colvin, Meredith Brooks, Paula Cole, and others. (I’d include Sarah McLachlan, but she’s had more than one hit and that would ruin my wild generalization. Also, she never replied after I wrote that letter about kissing her so hard, so I’m just going to assume she actually does have a penis.) Well in 2010, Lillith Fair will return with a vengeance. And not with Lady Gaga and Ke$ha flying the grrl-power banner. No, instead, our old friends will take to the stage with new anthems like Brooks’s “I’m a Bitch (Just Like This Menopause); Colvin’s “Sonny Never Visits Anymore;” and Paula Cole’s “Piss Off Gladstone, I Had Two Hits.” The feisty music-loving college girls of the 90s will now be able to purchase tickets at Starbucks, Talbots, and, of course, Gymboree.
2. Bad SexI hesitate to go here because after the Lillith Fair cracks I’d hate to be misunderstood as a misogynist. But being misunderstood is what writing for the internet is all about. It’s like a big game of “Telephone” that you play only with your deaf friends. Who are also neurologically impaired. So here goes. I know it may come as a surprise to you 21st century boys and girls, but women were different in the 90’s. This was before Sex and the City feminism took hold. Today, women hold onto the false delusion that they can empower themselves by tweeting frankly about how much they enjoy oral sex. Where a frattish mentality of getting drunk and laid is somehow akin to saying, “I’m a woman and I will not be denied !” Now, of course that’s wrong-headed and false, but men don’t typically try to dispel that notion because, well why would we dissuade you from talking about oral sex? It’s much easier for dudes to say, “Yes, you’re an independent woman. Now finish your beer and do that thing I like with the thing.” But back in the 90’s, it was a different scene. Intelligent, sexual women across the land (or at least at my University) wanted to run with the wolves while reading Naomi Wolfe’s Beauty Myth. They couldn’t put on make up or shave their legs without asking, “Why am I doing this; are these the tools of my oppression; and how does Gladstone get so dreamy?” I don’t have the stats to prove this, but in the 90’s fewer asses got spanked during sex then any decade in modern history. The 69 rose in prominence as the only accepted egalitarian form of oral sex. And for the first time in history, a frank dialogue about the magic and glory of the menses was considered foreplay. Well, get ready, because in 2010, it’s all coming back.
3. “Thanks for Sharing”/”Too Much Information”Historians tell us that for a brief six week period in the fall of 1991, it was actually considered somewhat witty and/or clever to say “thanks for sharing” or “too much information” when confronted with unwanted details from another’s personal life. We may never know why humor was ascribed to these phrases, but all our best data tells us it’s true. Indeed, even today, there are still clusters of humorless conversation trolls who feel empowered by using these phrases as if they were magical incantations, instantly transforming the speaker into a person more important than the addressee. They have no idea that every self-respecting human stopped saying this shortly before the start of the Clinton administration. Well they’re in luck. In 2010, a void will form in our language and welcome the unfortunate return of these phrases. Why? Because in 2010 “Fail” will finally leave the vernacular. (Incidentally, “meh” will hold tight for another five years.) Soon, millions of the worst people in the world will be unsure what to say when being exposed to unexpected, unwanted information. And that’s when the TMI jargon returns. Some of you may be doubting this prediction. How does it make sense to reply “thanks for sharing” to a youtube video you don’t approve of? Well , in truth, it makes no sense. But then again, it was never really logical to say “too much information” to your co-worker when he was trying to open up to you about the death of his mother either.
4. GoateesDid you misread that? Not Goatse. That’s a 21
5. Full HouseHey remember one of the worst sitcoms ever? No? Why? Because you were 5? Oh. Well what about syndication? Yes, I’m talking about Full House. That show about a Jewish guy who was somehow named Tanner and not actually Jewish who had to raise two baby troll dolls after his wife died. Thinking fast, he recruits John Stamos and Dave Coulier to help out. The show ran from 1987 to 1995 and I imagine it sucked the entire length of that time, but truth be told, I’m not sure I ever saw a full episode. In any event, in 2010,
Subscribe to Gladstone's site. You can also follow him on Twitter and join the Gladstone/HBN fan page but his friends page is now maxed out.