5 Reasons Working for a Really Good Boss Sucks
Working for a living is a sucker's game, and I pity anyone who didn't have the good sense to be born independently wealthy. But the fact remains that at some point most of us will have a boss. And not one of those New Age bosses like "your heart" or "the universe," but an actual man or woman who will sit at a desk nicer than yours and, eight out of 10 times, be a complete prick. That's probably why so many people fantasize about their dream boss, who typically comes in one of two varieties: 1) the completely oblivious simpleton who lets his staff get away with murder because he doesn't know any better and 2) the super nice boss who would never dream of yelling or asking you to break a sweat in the performance of your duties.
"Hey dude. If it's not too much bother, when you're done with Minesweeper can you show me how to work the copier again? Thanks, buddy."
They Don't Hide Information Due to Insecurity
Here's a lesson I've learned. It doesn't matter if we're talking about a political administration, an investment company or a corner store bodega -- most people obtain and increase their power by controlling information. Those who rise to the top often are not the smartest or best, but the most intent on acquiring an unfair advantage. They covet information. They hide details, no matter how small.
"No one shall know the secret of what condiment Mr. Penske prefers on his sandwich!"
I don't know why this popped up when I searched "ficus plant," but there are decent odds your boss has one of these in his office, too.
They Don't Create Fall Guys
Here's something else about bosses who are too aware of their failings: They make mistakes. All the time. But if others find out, well then they might not get to be the boss anymore. They might have to sit in a smaller office like yours, completely devoid of ficus plants. This is why lesser bosses always create distance between their decisions and any project that must ultimately be accomplished. The more distance they create, the more people fit between them and the end result. And the more people between them and the end result, the more people they can blame for something going wrong.Dumb bosses create fall guys. Could that fall guy be you? Of course it could. That fall guy can be anyone except the boss and anyone with the ability to fire him or her. That leaves you.
It also could be any of these people, but odds are, eventually it will be you.
You Know Where You Stand With Them
The funny thing about no-good, treacherous, game-playing hack bosses? So often they're, like, super nice! After all, they have to be. Having everyone like them is a trick they used to become boss in the first place. And they need to be able to rape you for their benefit on a moment's notice. How are they gonna do that if you walk around all distrustful with a clenched anus all day? (That's not sexist. Metaphorically, these bosses engage exclusively in anal rape, regardless of gender. Also, female bosses use a strap-on with a smiley face emblazoned on the head.)
Due to current obscenity laws, I have redacted the smiley face strap-on. But I've used a smiley face to do so for the convenience of your imagination.
That warm sensation you feel is my smile. Also, the shiv I've just jabbed between your ribs.
They Can Keep the Company Alive
Hey, here's another reason you want a frighteningly smart and competent boss: to keep your company and job alive. I know many of you understand what it's like to be out of work. After all, who but the unemployed have time to read a 2,000-plus-word column like this? (Oh, right -- stoned college students.) In any event, not having a job sucks. A lot. Sure, your nice boss who never yells and doesn't expect too much from you because he doesn't actually know how to do things right is swell to work for, but how good is he at keeping the company and your job afloat? Whoops. Forgot to do the he/she thing on that last sentence, but it's getting exhausting to be politically correct. Do me a favor: Going forward, just pretend all the bosses I'm referring to are she-males.
Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien, or Jacqueline, to his employees who want to be fired.
But a Frighteningly Talented Boss ...
Not surprisingly, the skills that rise a half-talent to power and keep him (she-male) there are not necessarily the same skills that can keep a business successful. Some people -- be they clients or the general public -- want actual competence and results on occasion. Not often, but sometimes not all the hidden information, smiles and tricks can compensate for mediocrity. A truly talented boss can keep your bread and butter coming.They Make You Smarter So You Can Be the Boss
Whether they want to or not, bosses set tones. Even those who aren't leading at all still set an example. If you work for a half-talent who rose to power and maintains it through deceit and guile, you will learn to be deceitful and beguiling. You will learn to play your cards close to the chest instinctively, devoid of any understanding of what and why you're exactly hiding. You will learn to be distrustful. How to play games. And not fun games like Hungry, Hungry Hippos, either.
Yeah, corporate games have a lot more lies and fewer marbles.
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