5 Popular Phrases That Make You Look Like an Idiot
There's a famous saying that goes, "the reason it's a cliche is because it's true." Well, that saying like the five that follow, sucks. There are many reasons cliches exist and most of them have to do with humans being a pathetically unimaginative species, desperately clinging to any perceived aphorism in the hope that it will bring comfort or create the illusion of intelligence. Here are the five I hate most.
Say What You Want About Mussolini; At Least The Trains Ran On TimeWhat It's Supposed To Mean Although some profess that this cliche is now merely a cynical expression of good things happening in terrible circumstances, I only hear it uttered by angry and fatigued commuters dying for a powerful man to set their travel schedule right. Why I Hate It No one can deny that Benito Mussolini was a fascist, a Nazi ally, and a proponent of censorship and propaganda. But, apparently, all that was a small price to pay for the 8:32 out of Venice always running on time! Somehow, there was a direct correlation between torturing political opponents and getting someone else off to work on schedule. So why limit this cliche to just Mussolini when clearly fascism is the key to this success? Just look how reliably those trains carted Jews off to Auschwitz! And I'm sure if Cambodia had anything resembling a railroad system, Pol Pot's mass murder would have assured prompt delivery of countless corpses to mass graves. Well, it should be noted that the first thing wrong with this cliche is it's complete bullshit. Mussolini was better at propaganda than train propulsion. And should that be so hard to believe? I mean, when you're hanging out, stalled on the tracks do you really think the problem is that we have a political system based in representative government, featuring checks and balances? Look, I hate being trapped on a train with no air conditioning as much as my fellow commuters, but rarely am I struck by the wish, "please, Lord. Just get this train running and come November, I'll be sure to renounce my right to vote!"
The Exception That Proves The RuleWhat It's Supposed To Mean Ignore that thing that disproves my theory; It only proves my theory!
TL;DRWhat It's Supposed To Mean I didn't read this because it's too long. Why I Hate It I could have written about any number of internet cliche. "Fail," for example. It's overused and usually bandied about by idiots. But the thing is, some things actually do fail in their execution. There are situations where the term is appropriate, even if pathetically conveyed. Not true for TL;DR. TL;DR is never right. Yes, some things are too long, but in order to figure that out, there's something you have to do first: read it. Only then can you say whether the presentation lasted longer than the idea. Too long; wish I didn't read (or "TL;WIDR") would make sense, but that's about it. But what irks me most about TL;DR is that people who use it have no shame. No one is perfect. We all have failings, but we're supposed to be ashamed of them. We're supposed to keep our sins and shortfalls in a dark place we hope no one ever finds. "Fuck that," says the Internet. "I'm functionally retarded, and I don't care who knows it! Words? Gay. Who reads words? Sounds pretty lame." So go ahead; keep using "TL;DR." Just know that it is not an abbreviation for "too long; didn't read," but, instead, "hi, I am a miserable cretin of the Internet that must be spoon-fed pictures and factoids or I will piss myself." You might be the type of person who disagrees that that's what it means, but trust me, it's what everyone who's smarter than you is thinking. And since you're not so big on reading, that's a lot of people.
If X Sucks Then How Come It's So SuccessfulWhat It's Supposed To Mean Anything that's popular must be good, and, therefore, any criticism is unjustified.
Everything Happens For a ReasonWhat It's Supposed To Mean All this suffering is part of a cosmically divine plan. Why I Hate It I suppose this cliche wouldn't be intolerable if it were merely meant to be taken literally. Everything does happen for a reason. People die young because they get hit by trains or get cancer. People are maimed and disfigured in wars because of bombs. I mean, if that's all this cliche were trying to convey then it would just be vaguely annoying. You'd assume the speaker were just some mental deficient who says things like "water is wet," "ice cream is yummy," or "Tosh is funny." But the annoying thing about this phrase is that the speaker believes he/she has some inside track to God or Fate or whatever mystic unseen hand controls the universe. As if there is a power and that power decided there was an actual reason to inflict a newborn baby with Trisomy 18 or have a woman get gang raped. And given the existence of this rational force --that operates only with justification and reason-- who are you to question why someone ravaged your wife, or blew apart your son, or took your leg? This cliche insists that either happy endings always exist ("see, they never would have found that tumor, unless they were repairing that machete wound to your abdomen") or if there is no happy ending for you then your suffering was part of some greater plan that benefited another ("don't be sad that you were imprisoned for twenty years by a racist jury for a crime you didn't commit, I mean, think about the valuable lesson you've taught us about bias in criminal juries!) I'm not saying all suffering is random and pointless, or that nothing good can ever come out of a bad situation, but the arrogance that comes from the belief that tragic events are always justified as part of a larger plan is just intolerable. I don't know why bad things happen, but I do know that no one who throws this cliche around knows either. So to everyone keeping this miserable expression alive, please leave people to their misery and save your cliche for yourself the next time you're walking in the woods and step into a bear trap after getting shot in the eye by a drunken hunter. ... calm down. This picture isn't real.
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