5 Animals that Survived Shit that Would Kill a Terminator
We've told you time and time again how humans, the moist sacks of fragility that we are, can sometimes survive an absurd amount of punishment and still calmly flip off Death. What we haven't talked a lot about is that we're far from the only species that can do that. We tend to see pets as furry, friendly drool/fart machines (dogs) or haughty, scheming sociopaths (cats), but it's easy to forget that they are also incredibly durable creatures that can bounce back from situations that Wile E. Coyote would find hard to survive. For instance ...
A Highlander Cat Shrugs Off Two Trips to a Gas Chamber and a Cooler
Did you know that some animal shelters euthanize strays that haven't been adopted within a certain period of time? On some level, you probably did. I know I did, but it's just one of those things people don't like to actively think about. Sorry for putting the image in your head and ruining your day.
But since you are thinking it, it's good to remember that some of said euthanasia is performed with gas chambers. Uh, wait, that didn't help at all. Sorry again.
I'm mentioning these dreadful facts in my comedy article about amazing animal survival because they're necessary information if you want to fully appreciate the story of Andrea the Highlander Cat, who not only went on Death Row and lived to tell about it, but she did that shit twice.
"Bring it, bitches."
Andrea was a stray that ended up in a West Valley City animal shelter. After her 30 days were up and there was no adoption in sight, the shelter -- strapped for space -- was forced to put her on the euthanasia list. To this, Andrea had precisely one thing to say: "Meow." But that's only because she couldn't physically say, "Fuck that noise."
The first attempt to euthanize Andrea utterly failed to, uh, euthanize her. Not taking a hint, the staff stuck her right back in the chamber and gave her another doze of carbon monoxide. Figuring that must have been enough to take care of her, they then put her in a bag and stuck her in a freezer.
And then, when they peeked in some 45 minutes later, they found her exactly as alive as she had been before her first bout with the gas chamber.
With that same "go fuck yourself" look every time.
Now aware that they were clearly up against a feline Highlander, the shelter officials promptly dropped their futile attempts to bring Andrea's life to an end and started nursing her back into health (hey, a cat uses three of her lives in the span of an hour, she's bound to lose some hit points). Once again, against all odds, she recovered, and was promptly adopted by an animal welfare volunteer who opted to take care of her, lest she started going all Pet Sematary on the shelter people. And that, friends, is how Andrea, the Cat Who Would Not Die, gained her name and finally came to live the life of a normal, playful house cat.
Until her people need her.
The Puppy With the Worst Toilet Experience In the World
Dogs and toilets generally live in a state of a happy, drinks-based symbiosis. However, it's safe to assume that one particular British cocker spaniel called Dyno regards said relationship with a rather more grudging eye than your average pup. This is because he has seen what lies beyond, man. He knows what that evil porcelain seat is hiding.
Dyno's carefree puppy days came to an end -- figuratively and almost literally -- in 2009, when his owner's four-year-old son noticed that he was getting a bit muddy. Since the dog was clearly in need of a bath, the kid decided to give him one in the nearest water source available to him. So he carried the puppy to the bathroom and placed him in the toilet bowl.
"We cool for now, kid, but I will remember."
It was not the toddler's intention to give Dyno the old "goldfish go bye-bye" treatment, mind you - - he was genuinely just trying to bathe the dog, and equally genuinely shocked when Dyno suddenly disappeared. The kid's mother initially assumed that the dog had passed away, but since the only thing more heart-breaking than flushing a week-old puppy down the toilet would be to leave it in the sewers, she called for help anyway.
Firefighters and RSPCA (the British equivalent of ASPCA) soon entered the scene, presumably prepared for what would be the most depressing mission of their week. However, they found out that the dog had very much survived his poopy water slide and had become stuck in a waste pipe some 65 feet away from the house, in a spot that was unreachable for the rescuers. Since Dyno couldn't Die Hard his way to the nearest manhole and the rescuers couldn't reach him, they decided to call in a drainage company called Dyno-Rod (guess which was named after which), who were able to use their specialist sewer camera equipment to gently push the puppy along until he reached the nearest manhole.
That's not nearly as dirty as it sounded.
The kid promised not to do that shit again. The dog has since promised to make Death sniff his asshole.
Smoky the Chihuahua Survives a Fork In the Skull
Public disclaimer: The following entry will feature a small dog with a giant BBQ fork lodged in his skull. If that's the sort of thing that makes you squeamish, you may want to, I don't know, have someone you hate read this aloud to you or something. Chad can always use a little more traumatizing.
I have a long-standing pet theory that the Universe is kind of a dick with a sense of humor not unlike the Joker. Sometimes it sets up grand, swooping displays that remind us of our mortality, while other times it's perfectly content creating nasty small-scale situations that fit its sense of humor. For instance, let's say that a family takes a dog roughly the size of an appetizer, then names him Smokey, and then arranges a barbecue party where the pup is allowed to roam free. Can you guess what the universe does next? That's right - - it arranges a freak accident that leaves the bite-sized pup with an actual goddamn barbecue fork driven through his skull.
Sorry. I did warn you.
In a ridiculous turn of events, the fork snapped, went spinning through the air, and buried itself in the head of poor Smokey, who was minding his own business in another part of the yard. However, mere cooking utensils the size of his head actually ramming through said head were far from enough to keep Smokey down. In retaliation for the fact that the world was suddenly a place that was actively attempting to stab it in the face, the dog fled to the nearby forest.
Eventually, Smokey's flabbergasted owners managed to locate their pet ... two days after the accident. A trip to the vet and an "Oh, dogs get tiny forks embedded in their heads all the ti- Aaaargh! What in the shit?!" scenario later, the dog was rushed into surgery, and the fork was successfully removed. Amazingly, despite the fact that the utensil had pierced Smokey's brain, it survived the ordeal with just a little damage to the movement of the left eye, and even that was expected to heal 100 percent.
Here he is, living life the way it should be lived: sans fork.
The story doesn't tell exactly how Smokey, a rat-sized family dog, managed to survive in the woods for 48 freaking hours with the giant brain-fork. We're forced to assume that he managed to contact Lockjaw with his newly gained communication antenna, and together they summoned the Inhumans to rain doom upon his assailant, the telekinetic villain known only as ... the Forkmaster.
A Cat Loses Its Actual Fucking Face, Doesn't Give a Damn
Cats, perhaps more than any other animal, rely heavily on their cuteness to cover the fact that they're tiny, devious murder machines that only occasionally recognize mankind's apparent authority over them, let alone abide by it. That's why there are few pets more screwed than a cat that loses its charms.
Or so you'd think! Turns out that cats could look like poop-encrusted Gremlins and still rule humanity. Consider the example of the cat who would become known as Chase No Face, a curious name that stuck because this particular cat literally has no freaking face. WARNING: Clicking that link leads to pictures of a cat with no face. Because it's an article about a cat with no face.
Chase got a bad fucking start in life when she was hit by a car as a kitten. In one fell swoop, she lost enough body parts to power half a dozen supervillain origin stories: a leg, a nose, both eyelids, and a bunch of skin on her cheeks. Seeing as she now resembled a rejected-as-too-scary concept design from Stephen King's Sleepwalkers, the doctors were understandably skeptical about her chances in life. If you absolutely have to see a cat without a face, feel free to click on the following image:
Here's where the good part begins: Chase No Face didn't give a good goddamn about what the doctors thought. She was adopted by a vet technician who had helped treat her, and it soon became apparent that she hadn't lost one inch of her will to live and general cat attitude (cattitude). Despite her unconventional appearance, she's in no pain; Chase gets along on three legs just fine, and the face is actually just healed tissue instead of the raw bundle of nerves it looks like. The only daily repercussion of her accident is the lack of eyelids, but even that is a matter of administering some eye drops every now and then.
And that's just Chase herself. Although her origin story is considerably closer to a Batman villain than a do-gooder, this "hopeless" cat is also bringing a whole lot of good in the world. Chase works as a therapy cat, traveling to hospitals and schools with her owner, her amazing story inspiring kids and patients with deformities to create their own survival stories, complete with a popular blog and inspirational Facebook page her owner keeps in her name. She's basically a Grumpy Cat that actually does something useful.
So yeah. Sometimes, it's good to know that the next time you get your face ripped off in a freak accident, you have other options in life than outright supervillainy.
A Wounded Stray Dog Survives the Amazon Jungle ... Then Completes One of the World's Hardest Races
In 2014, a Swedish extreme adventure team was taking part in a ridiculously difficult 430-mile race along the Amazon when they came upon a dog. Actually, it was the dog that came upon them. The men were enjoying their meal in the jungles of Ecuador when a muddy, bleeding stray mutt they would come to call Arthur suddenly appeared from the depths of the rainforest. The team didn't know where it came from or how it had survived in the hostile environment -- all they knew was that it was there, and seemed hungry. So they offered the dog a Swedish meatball, because sometimes cliches are cliches for a reason. In exchange, Arthur, presumably delighted to meet creatures who weren't actively trying to eat and/or maul him, offered them his unconditional love.
And I mean unconditional.
When the team packed their bags and resumed the race, Arthur followed them. Throughout the entire race.
It was a grueling affair even for supremely conditioned athletes, let alone a wounded, malnourished dog. Yet no matter where the route took the team, Arthur followed. When they were struggling through mud, so was the dog. When a teammate was injured and required medical attention, Arthur stood vigil with him as they waited for the medics. The team tried to send him away multiple times, fearing for his safety as the route was getting more difficult. He was having none of it; Arthur was there to stay. When the team entered the final leg of the race, a difficult 36-mile coastal kayak ride, it seemed that Arthur could follow no more. They gave the dog their solemn goodbyes and paddled away. Arthur jumped right in the water and swam after them.
This was the final straw for the team. To great applause from spectators and officials, they helped the wet, exhausted dog to the kayak, where he would remain throughout the race. Which, incidentally, meant that they threw their last chance of winning to the wind, seeing as how they were now in a kayak with a wet and super-excitable dog -- a challenging situation even when you're not actively Supermanning through dangerous waters. Immediately after they crossed the finishing line, they began a long and arduous process to get Arthur to Sweden with them, which they were eventually able to secure with some help from their sponsors.
Who were apparently the only people they could find with actual souls.
The fact that Arthur was able and willing to keep up with the team to the extent that he did was amazing, but that he managed it in the condition he was in was outright miraculous: According to the team's Facebook page, Arthur did his endurance racing with several deep wounds across his back, along with a whole host of smaller health issues that come when you're a small dog living in the freaking jungle.
It should probably go without saying that the Swedish Team Peak Performance now has five members.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked freelance editor and weekly columnist. Join his gang on Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Pauli, check out 5 Disastrous Ways People Tried to Make Porn a Reality and 5 Insane Ways to Abuse Your Body to Greatness (Tested).
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