5 Lessons You Learn Growing Up Rich
Once, when I as a young boy on the shores of Cape Cod, our family schooner capsized during a summer rainstorm, and I was stung across the cheek by a jellyfish. The pain was paralyzing, and the only reason I didn't drown was because my au pair, Francesca, had the presence of mind to swim me to shore, drag me across the sand and pee into my face. She saved my life, and I will forever remember her just like that -- a glistening hero. You may have read about it in the newspapers.
Jet Packs Can Only Hover for 30 Seconds at a Time
I can't stress how important this is: A jet pack is not a toy. Well, I mean it is, but it can be dangerous, too, kind of like your Uzi or your neonatal incubator. If you're like me, you bought your first jet pack and assumed it could hover indefinitely, just like in the demos you
Sorry, kid. "Free Bird" is out of the question.
Your Parents Won't Negotiate With Kidnappers
"Not just because it's a metaphor -- also because you are a harbinger of death to animals."
Suffocating Someone Always Takes Longer Than You'd Think
"And that asshole knows I love golf."
A Topographic Map Can Save Your Life
Pictured: Everything you want to avoid.
No One Will Like You Unless You Lie About Your Life
"And when the last person had a heart attack, I was the only one left who could land the plane."
You can follow Soren's web of deceit on Twitter or his patient effort to seduce you on Tumblr.
For more from Soren, check out Kidnapped by Drug Lords: My 3rd Worst Vacation in Mexico and Infiltrating the Green Movement: Undercover on the Bandwagon.