The following videos and video stills contain not a single image of nudity or implied nudity. There is no sex. No drug use. No violence.

But make no mistake, watching them will make you feel dirty. If someone walked up behind you, you might instinctively find yourself frantically trying to close the window before you realized absolutely nothing profane was being displayed on screen. Even though these are fully-dressed people, you will feel like you have done something horribly wrong.

That's because by watching these, you have done something horribly wrong.

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Oh, don't freak out yet, honey. Soon, you'll be throwing that fucker.

Yes, technically, they're all "safe for work." But after watching these, I'm not even sure what that term means any more. So, take it as a challenge: Can you make it through all of these videos? There's no shame in it if you can't. Remember ...

It's Just an Orange

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Let's start off light. What could possibly be questionable about a guy juicing an orange? Lots of people do that every morning before work or school. Hell, lots of people do that at work or school. Surely, if you can do it there, you could watch a video of it, right? It's only 45 seconds long -- give it a shot.

What's the Problem?

That stopped being an orange (grapefruit?) the second he folded it in half and slowly slid his fingers inside the crevice. The way that juice flows out of there while he's probing deeper and deeper makes me want to 1.) swear off fruit, and 2.) apologize to women I've never wronged.

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The visual is nasty enough on its own, but when you add that music to the mix it turns into straight-up porn. I don't know what it is about slow, soulful R&B beats, but you can add that shit to absolutely anything and suddenly I have an erection.

But here's the best part, to me: If my 6-year-old daughter were standing behind me while I watched that, she would have a completely different idea as to why I was cringing. To her, it's just a video of a guy making a mess with an orange. He's getting his fingers all sticky and gross, and he's definitely going to have to wipe up that counter when he's done. Not to mention the fact that his juice is going to taste like fingers. Yeah, she'd say, "Ewww," but not for the reasons we just did.

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"Ew, he's licking the peel ... that's the bitter part!"

Now, watch that video again and picture your mom walking up behind you as the orange is in mid squirt. God, even typing that feels dirty. And don't just call her over to prove how awesome and hip your mom is. There's a huge difference between you showing her some fucked up video and her just casually strolling by and catching you watching it, totally oblivious to anyone else's presence. See, in the latter, you're watching it on your own -- for your own reasons. For your own enjoyment. And that's what is going to make her question her decision to have "just one little drink" during her pregnancy all those years ago.

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"Hi, honey, what are you wat- Get the fuck out of my house."

I just want to warn you, this gets worse. You can turn back now if you like. For the rest of you who truly hate yourselves, let's move on, and try to keep in mind ...

He's Just Licking Some Plastic

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There's nothing dirty about a tongue. Someone licking the air, even in that old hair-metal "V-finger" way just looked more comical than sexual. But as Michael Swaim showed in an episode of Does Not Compute, all it takes is one dude who looks like a serial killer to slow it down and prove us all wrong. For those who haven't seen Steve Rooster's original licking video, you'll probably want to prime yourself with that before moving on. Why?

Because his "fans" asked him to up the stakes. And up the stakes, he did.

What's the Problem?

It's just one of those novelty inflatable dolls, right? Just plastic and air, not even any cartoon nipples or anything painted on. Hell, we've all seen them in novelty shops and half of the teenage comedies that came out of the '80s. But what they didn't show you in those movies was the actual crotch of those things, designed by someone who has never seen genitalia of any kind ... someone whose only human contact has been Steve Rooster.

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"Dad, why does this taste like your dick?"

As we watch Steve passionately lick and thrust his fingers into that doll, it becomes increasingly harder to swat away the swarm of questions buzzing around in your head. Has that doll been used prior to the video? Is this guy one of the greatest comedy minds on the planet, or is he being real? He's going to fuck that thing, isn't he? Then, around the two minute mark, you realize that his camera is not on a tripod. Someone is holding that shit, filming him while he goes down on a blow-up d- OH MY GOD, HE'S EATING OUT ITS ASSHOLE.

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And again, the music plays such a huge part in the creepiness of the video. Not only is it a slow, soulful song, but it's intended to be "romantic." So as this heartfelt piano and vocals pour out emotion, Steve is giving a 1990s mustache burn to an inflatable woman's anus. The only thing more disturbing than watching him molest that poor plastic is picturing him with an actual woman.

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Well, there's also that.

Speaking of Licking ...

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So let's take Steve Rooster's first licking video and strip out everything that made it creepy. The simulated oral sex. His child molester mustache. That terrible sex music. The Steve to which that tongue is attached. That should eliminate any uncomfortable sexuality, right?

What's the Problem?

No, they're not three limp dicks in an infinite loop of erectile saluting. Those are robotic cow tongues, and the piece is an exhibit by Korean artist Doo Sung Yoo.

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But they represent dicks, right?

No, they don't represent anything sexual whatsoever. It's supposed to be an example of "real life" animation by taking dead tissue (like cow tongues and pig stomachs) and introducing electricity to make them flex and move. It's making a statement about how technology could be used to "upgrade" lifeless or damaged organs.

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But yes, it happens to look like three gigantic cocks bonering it up. Over and over and over. I'm not saying that the exhibit itself is a bad thing. In fact, if it didn't upset animal lovers, I'd buy it and put it in the Cracked offices. Of course, I'd rig it with a sensor so that it only goes off when Dan O'Brien walks by.

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And make it point its boner pose at him until he completely passed.

But once again, it boils down to someone walking into the room and seeing that playing over your shoulder -- in many ways, that 30-second video of cow tongues licking the air becomes so much worse than hardcore pornography. Because now, it looks like you have a fucked up fetish for severed dicks bursting into and out of erection as if it's constantly flipping its TV from porn to CNN and back again.

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So, you still with me? Impressive. But you might want to consider just swallowing your pride and accepting failure right now, though. What you're about to see, you cannot unsee. You've been warned ...

WARNING: The last two entries contain graphic pictures and video of featureless synthetic or robotic genitalia. That ... may be NSFW? Depending on where you work? I guess? It's not safe for ... something. I can tell you that. Anyway...

Come On, it's a Robot

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That's right, it's just a robot. Even when I tell you that it's a robotic vagina, that doesn't push it much further toward the line of being not safe for work -- you can barely recognize it as one.

It also gives birth. Nothing wrong with that at all. Childbirth is a beautiful thing, and being able to experience the joy and wonder of this natural miracle-

What's the Problem?

Oh. My. God.

There is nothing natural or miraculous about that. In fact, this machine is an abomination in the eyes of God, and it actively spits in the face of the very idea of a soul. Hell is watching that thing give birth to an endless loop of lifeless babies until time ceases to exist.

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Censored with Soren Bowie's head.

And no, I don't care about the "beauty" of childbirth. That's something that select women say, and men just agree with so they don't sound like dicks. Real childbirth is full of pain, screaming, blood and genital contortion that seems humanly impossible. This robotic demon-crotch mocks that with its cold, soulless deliveries until it actually becomes worse than the real thing.

Non Ftenoe

That woman's head has also now been censored.

It's bad enough when they show the first couple of deliveries and you see that thing stretching and bursting under the pressure. But then they flip it over and show you the "multiple positions" feature, and you think, Holy shit, can this get any more fucked up? That's when you see the robot's vagina turned inside out.

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OK, I don't have to really censor anything here. I just want people to forever associate Soren Bowie with robotic childbirth.

No, wait, where are you going? You've made it this far. You might as well go all the way, now. And think of it this way, what could possibly be worse than robotic childbirth?

It's Just Rubber

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This is an instructional video explaining how to give a prostate massage. If that sounds clinical, know that the host is shirtless throughout and calls himself "The Buttmaster" and "The Pleasure Coach." This is not teaching people how to examine themselves.


Still, it's delivered in a very "doctor's" tone of voice, and the terminology is frank but professional. There is no human nudity or penetration to speak of, and that sounds like a pretty safe, adult way to learn about the act.

Oh, and the massage is performed on a rubber replica of a human ass.

BOBPATRICK.COM Frequently Add More

Wait, do I ... do I censor that? Again, it's just a rubber model.

Click here to watch the video.

What's the Problem?

The video I'm referring to is not set up to embed, and even if it was, I would have quite a bit of trouble convincing myself that it was perfectly fine to show a video of how to jack off a dude from inside of his own asshole. The whole time, his soothing doctor-like voice using scientific terminology like "perineum," and then not break a stride when using fifth grader terms like "stroke the butt cheeks, the crack and the anus."

BOBPATRRICK.COM Touch and Massage the Entire Area

"Calmly, gently knuckle-shuffle his brown-eye."

Even though the dude in question is nothing more than a rubber model's disembodied ass, it's so realistic that the cheeks jiggle when they're touched, like actual skin. Its upturned balls and half-cock rest realistically against its own rubber stomach.

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Again, I stress ... it's purely an instructional video.

It's clearly not an ass, but as you watch the Buttmaster's expert hands and fingers dancing in and out of its rubber anus, it becomes impossible to not imagine a real ass there.

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Your ass.

You're welcome.

I want to give a special thank you to Garbage Haus and Sarswimmer for finding the "Orange Fingering" and "Robotic Vagina" videos respectively. If either of those videos got you fired, those are the people to blame.

Check out more from Cheese in 12 Things You'll Wish You'd Never Seen Under a Microscope. Or check out some more SFW vids that will make you squirm in 5 Ridiculous (Safe For Work) Fetishes.

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