5 Advocate Groups Who Are Shockingly Angry For Dumb Reasons

Breastfeeding your baby is wonderful, but it doesn't make you an expert on all areas of child-rearing -- in the same way that masturbating is fun, but doesn't make you an expert on sexuality. All you're doing is providing a bit of biological fluid and feeling better about yourself. And it's offensive to fling your fluids at others who didn't ask for it. Which doesn't stop some mothers from screaming as if every bottle was bursting with Bane Venom.

For self-secreted experts in all human biology, they don't seem to understand that people are different. Some people don't breastfeed, or can't breastfeed, for any of an array of reasons far too personal to get into with someone who's decided that "Mother feeding their child" is a valid target for public attack. There are orc tribes sneaking up on hobbits with better ethics.

The Atlantic
"Look, I know that you have your own experiences, but I'm just awful, okay?"

Breastfeeding and formula are the ultimate human success stories. We've got our original method and the technologies we've invented to be better than mere nature. Which is the point of technology. The secretion of fluid from mammary glands isn't the ultimate level of natural nirvana; it's a pre-installed function of some tits. Most monkeys can do it. Not even every monkey, because bodies aren't born perfectly. But what makes (most of) us better than animals is that when someone's body behaves differently, we don't shriek and hurl shit at them until they're driven from the tribe.

The Alpha Parent
I'm all out of bullets in my "Be a reasonable human being" gun, too.

They've been convinced that six-packs are guaranteed babe magnets, and then burned by the reality that most women don't fantasize about being trapped under a sweating butcher's display. They go mad about nerds so much as standing near girls, and even madder about nerds mocking them for that, in an awful cycle of smashing their testosterone against electronic barriers like barbarians badly losing in an episode of Star Trek. It's almost as if everything they learned about alpha manliness is bullshit rendered obsolete by technology. The same technology now transmitting their tears to the world.

Bodybuilding
Have you tried not being you? That might work.

It's this bizarre inversion where athletes are paid to pretend to fight physically, but the fans end up hating each other for real. If I like Alberto Del Rio and you like Cesaro, we're done! That's our entire requirement to enjoy all the matches! And we'll both enjoy one particular match even more! Discussing their relative strengths is fun, but criticizing people for being biased toward one wrestler over another is the most dangerous game a fan can play. Once you start examining the reality of wrestling, it collapses like a Spanish announcer's table. But that's what we end up with on every single wrestling comments section. Every comment, no matter how innocent or meaningless, ends up breaking down into this:

Via Wrestlezone

And they rarely begin without some comically large bias intact ...

Just Trails
Solid start.

Some have started self-destructively sabotaging the trails to win pointless fights in the shittiest possible example of our entire species. There are reports of potentially lethal wires strung across trails, or logs and rocks hauled around to hamper anyone on anything but foot. You'll notice that these strategies only make sense for the foot traffic faction. But these guerrilla tactics are only sane when cavalry is invading your country, not when you're sharing a public park.

Just Trails
"I know more than a few guys," usually means "I know one guy."

A lot of katana enthusiasts can be found in that second category. They're dedicated to a weapon several centuries out of date, but using Google alerts to check for attacks every five milliseconds. At which point they prove that their blades are useless in the 21st Century by trying to defend them at long range.

Pixabay
"Tawagoto o hanashite ita kikimashita!"

YouTube is full of katana demonstrations, and if you read through the comments sections, you'll find that absolutely no one except the person currently writing the comment knows how to use one. For instance, in this video, a man with the most infectious laugh on the planet acknowledges that he doesn't know everything about katanas, but wants to "mythbust" with them, probably because katana comments are like Superman comics: With every new one, the subject gets an incredible new power that makes it even more unstoppable and perfect. It's a bit presumptuous to "mythbust," but why get mad at him? He just wants to see if the katana can cut through stuff. "Fun? Nah," says the internet. "Let's make this punk regret all of his interests, and then argue about anime for no reason."

YouTube

The comments are often alternate history fanfiction. They explain how the ancient katana makers somehow invented nanotechnology by hand as they "folded" the metal ten million times. Never mind how they only folded it because they were using the shittiest possible metal, or how folding it more than 20 times makes it even shittier. The average katana wielder would be better off rolling up a newspaper.

Pixabay
Plus, every newspaper reminds you that it's 2016, aka "Katana Kryptonite."

They will pour out pages of bullshit about "five-body blades", and yes, that's a blade which can hack through five bodies in a single swing, because no weapon is worth anything unless it deals Dead Rising 3 levels of damage. It's also amazing how many amateur metallurgists just happen to wander by to spout more random numbers and imaginary metals than the Terminator franchise.

If you enjoy katanas because they're ridiculously cool, that's brilliant! Have fun! But if you must fantasize about a blade which can cut through anything, made with magical ancient technology, and utterly immune to everything we've ever learned about physics, just imagine lightsabers like the rest of us.

YouTube
You've got a dumb username, but your heart's in the right place.

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