5 Bizarre Scandals That Happen Over And Over
Public figures are allegedly people just like the rest of us, made of nearly 100 percent human parts and possessing the finest souls that can be produced in cost-effective factories. And like the rest of us, politicians, CEOs, pillars of the community, and the like are subject to making some terrible decisions now and then. But if you keep track of these things on a long enough timeline, you start to notice repetition. One person gets called out for doing something egregious, and then another, and another, and another. Does no one read the news? Or at least a dictionary to look up the word "discretion?"
A Bizarre Number Of Public Figures Have Pooped In Public
A few years ago, I penned the greatest story ever told -- the tale of the time I, as an adult, shit outside of a school. This was hilarious and not a scandal because I am no one of importance and I wiped my ass on bread, which really tied the tale together nicely. And maybe that inspired a movement, not fully of the bowel variety, because man do a lot of people get caught shitting in public. And it's not just guys like me with poor time management skills and easily frightened buttholes, but politicians and business people.
Way over on the other side of the world -- or, like, on the bottom part if you're a Flat Earther -- there's a property and investment group in Australia called Aveo. They buy and sell koala condos and the like, let's say. They also had a "national quality manager" named Andrew Macintosh. This was a 64-year-old corporate executive and member of a Brisbane City Council's advisory board. A responsible, respectable member of the community. A guy who would regularly shit on a private footpath next to an apartment building near his house, not because of a single embarrassing emergency, but out of habit. He did it over 30 times in a year.
After residents got sick of waking up to man-shit on a regular basis, they set up a sting operation and snapped a pic of Macintosh in action, literally bent over and taking a surprisingly casual dump. The resulting fallout (of the act, not from his ass) saw him losing his job and being charged, because 30 shits on the same path is too many shits.
And then there are all of the unidentified public poops which locals first assumed to be the work of unfortunate homeless people denied public facilities (though some probably held out hope it was a Sasquatch), only for them to find they were more intentional acts by otherwise law-abiding citizens. When Toronto's infamous mystery shitter was caught on camera, it was an unidentified middle-aged, middle-class white dude in glasses who'd brought his own toilet paper. He'd planned it!
Likewise, the Mad Pooper of Pine Creek, Colorado turned out to be a very normal-looking adult woman in running gear (also unidentified, despite the photos) who bypassed one public toilet after another to shit in and around a particular family's yard once a week.
All of them presumably have a lot to lose by going viral as public turd mongers, and they just don't care. More proof that, as a society, we're all slowly going insane.
Anti-Gay Activists Love Hiring Gay Sex Workers
George Alan Rekers co-founded the Family Research Council, one of America's most high-profile anti-gay lobbyist groups. He also served on the board of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, those ridiculous wingnuts who try to "cure" gayness. In some people's eyes, all of this anti-gay shit in Rekers' life made him the least likely person in the world to get caught on a European vacation with a gay prostitute. And yet here you are reading about it.
Rekers hired an escort from a site called RentBoy. When he was confronted, he said he needed a travelling companion to carry his luggage. Was his luggage his balls? Yes it was. The escort says Rekers required him to perform the same massage every day, which included a stroke that ran from ding dong to butthole. That is not Samsonite-approved luggage.
You will be shocked to learn that this was not an isolated incident. Ted Haggard was leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, and therefore was as un-gay as a vagina smoking a cigar made of beef jerky and machine guns. Or so it seemed! Turns out Haggard had been paying male escorts for years. He initially denied all of this, then resigned, then said he was in therapy, then said he was probably best identified as bisexual, all in the span of a few years.
In a "Hold my beer!" moment for these kinds of scandals, Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey wasn't just caught with a male escort; he was caught with an underage male escort. And again, Shortey had been running high on a track record of voting against any gay rights initiatives. The FBI reported that Shortey had a history of trying to pick up young dudes on Craigslist, as well as sharing images of child pornography. The escort he was caught with was 17, and the word "prepubescent" was tossed around in relation to the child porn, proving once again that you really need to take a close look at anyone who makes it their business to get so meddlesome in the sex lives of others.
OK, I realize "Homophobic leader turns out to be covering for their own urges" is almost a stereotype, but the sheer number who thought they could get away with openly hiring same-sex sex workers is still kind of amazing. Pray away the gay pastor Jimmy Seibert? Hired a male prostitute. Anti-gay marriage congressman Ed Schrock? Solicited a male prostitute. Florida State Rep Bob Allen, a staunch supporter of the Christian Coalition? Solicited a blowie from an undercover cop. Washington state rep who voted against a bill banning discrimination against gays Richard Curtis? Caught after refusing to pay $1,000 for the sex he had with a dude he met at a bookstore.
The fact that all these dudes are gay is obviously not the problem. Hell, I don't think it's even a problem that they paid for it, with the exception of Ralph Shortey. But as a lifestyle choice, "Become an anti-gay activist and then hope no one notices you hiring male sex workers" is even harder to understand than the public shitting thing.
People Keep Accidentally Sharing Penis Pics
If you have eyes and are reading this on the internet as opposed to our print edition, which is only available in a small section of Northern Greenland, then you have seen a penis you didn't want to see at some point. The internet is up to its nuts in dicks, and people are scattering them everywhere like little Johnny Penis-seeds, hoping one will take root with someone who wanted it. But once you're an official holding some kind of public office, it's probably time to keep the camera above the belt line, right? How hard can that be?
Well, ask Swedish politician Lars Ohly, who tried to post a photo of a new tattoo he got online. As with any new tattoo pic, you want that perfect angle. Ohly's tattoo was on his calf, so he had to bend his leg just so to show it off. Except he was wearing shorts to show off his leg, and the bend unleashed his Swedish berries. The picture was posted on Instagram before someone alerted Ohly to the situation. After all, who has time to realize they've plastered their dong on the internet these days?
In Canada, people do tend to take their frosty northern dong seriously. So when conservative politician George Lepp let loose with his man-beaver on Twitter, it was cause for some concern. Lepp was quick to deny that the dick pick was his doing, and instead blamed it on cosplayers, because why the fuck not? He said he was getting Advil from his car outside a hotel when cosplayers bumped into him. Next thing he knew, it was dicks a-poppin' on Twitter! Now, whether or not a group of Canadian Deadpools purloined Lepp's phone and tweeted the meat is irrelevant. It was obviously not what Lepp wanted, and he needed some kind of cover story.
When it comes to accidentally showing the hairy canary to too many people, few people take the cake like Ian Draper, 60-year-old fire chief from Lincolnshire, England. Draper was apparently trying to send a pic of his plonker to the missus over WhatsApp, but instead sent it to every contact he had. This included all of his co-workers and his own son, proving once again why you never want to engage with your parents over any kind of technology invented after 1980.
Politicians Can't Stop Watching Porn At Work
I realize that politicians are people, which means about 84 percent of their internet usage occurs while masturbating. Knowing a leader is enjoying the pornographies in the privacy of his or her own home would not affect my vote either way. But how hard is it to not do that while at work, in a crowded room, when there are actual cameras filming them as they watch the porn? As scandals go, this seems incredibly avoidable.
And sure, our first couple of examples are extremely softcore. Take Florida state senator Mike Bennett, who was hard at work in the middle of a debate on abortion when he was caught checking out a picture of several bikini babes on his laptop. I call them bikini babes because I'm 100 percent certain that's what this guy types into Google when he wants to jerk it. So on the upside, it wasn't literal pornography at work. On the other hand, he was in the middle of a debate on abortion, and was so engaged that he was watching videos of dogs (another thing that happened) and checking out ladies on the beach. Way to politick, Mike.
Meanwhile, Albert Ho Chun-yan from Hong Kong obviously took the same course on ethics in the workplace that Bennett did, because he was also caught checking out bikini babes while in the middle of a rousing session of politics. Chun-yan was in the middle of the even-more-arousing-than-abortion topic of budget when a photographer snapped a pic of him eyeballing lingerie models on his tablet.
Then we have Miguel Angel Revilla, leader of the Regionalist Party of Cantabria in Spain. This dude dusted off "I was reading an article" when he was caught red handed, knowing full well what bullshit it was. Revilla was in the midst of a parliamentary session when someone snagged a pic of him with a magazine open to a pic of a naked woman getting way too close to a guitar to ever hope of playing it properly. Revilla, after joking about reading the articles, went on to point out that he's not corrupt, doesn't give jobs to family, and can't even really get it up anymore, so he has nothing to hide. Atta boy.
Joao Rodrigues' kink is election reform, so when the Brazilian House of Commons were debating that, he was checking out some humptastic internet content. There's video footage of him checking it out on his phone, which he was partially hiding under his desk, and then actually showing it to colleagues around him. This behavior kind of undermines his official statement from later in the day after he was outed, saying that he's a member of a lot of WhatsApp groups and he was just deleting stuff people had sent him, not looking at porn. We got receipts, Rodrigues. Fly that freak flag.
Politicians Love Hiring Hitmen
Hiring a hitman is the kind of direct action you'd only expect from a politician in a movie or overwrought Netflix series. Real politicians take out their opponents with whiny tweets and backroom deals, right?
But then you hear about 1970s British politician and leader of the Liberal Party Jeremy Thorpe. After having an affair with a man who outed their relationship to authorities at a time when such relationships were not legal, Thorpe took a series of increasingly desperate actions. He allegedly then used party funds to pay a man named Chicken Brain to kill his former lover, and here's where the reality and movies diverge. Instead of carrying out an expert assassination, Mr. Brain just shot the guy's dog and fled. Despite this, Thorpe was actually found not guilty at trial, though there doesn't seem to be anyone in Britain who thinks he's innocent (a second would-be hitman says he was also offered the job, but turned it down).
Germany has its own murder-loving politician in Jochen Wolf, a former construction minister. Wolf had been having an affair with a much younger Ukrainian model, who decided she wanted to kill Wolf's wife. She tried, and failed, to do this in a forest. So then she killed herself. It's a bizarre story. Wolf blamed his wife and hired a man to take her out, but that guy rolled over like a puppy when company arrived and sold Wolf out to cops. Wolf ended up getting five years in prison.
Ruthann Aron, who made a bid for the U.S. Senate in the '90s, tried to hire a killer to take out her husband for trying to leave her, as well as a lawyer who released info on her prior legal issues. She felt both were ruining her political career. Fun fact: Those things aren't as bad for your career as murder. Alejandro Ponsoda, the mayor of a Spanish town, was murdered in 2007 by a gunman hired by the mayor of a rival town. In Canada, a former New Zealand politician who was on vacation when his wife drowned got sentenced to 25 years for the murder. During the investigation, he also tried to hire hitmen to kill the lead investigator, as well as much of his dead wife's family.
I can't emphasize this enough: It is incredibly hard to get away with hiring somebody to do murder for you! These guys are more than happy to take your money and then rat you out. And if you're a famous politician, hell, you might as well turn yourself in. Somebody is almost certainly going to call you out after your enemies die under suspicious circumstances. Well, in most countries, anyway.
You should follow Ian on Twitter, because he's never not on Twitter. Like the President, only beloved.
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