4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

There are thousands of ways for mental hypochondriacs to go online and self-diagnose every possible disorder, even the ludicrously unlikely ones. Here are four tests you can take to learn shocking truths about yourself.
4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

Are you a sex addict? Does your child have ADHD? Which Glee character are you? There are thousands of ways for mental hypochondriacs to go online and self-diagnose every possible disorder, even the ludicrously unlikely ones. Here are four tests you can take to learn shocking truths about yourself.

If you answer yes to any of these questions, that's because virtually any normal person could.

Have You Been Abducted by Aliens?

You and I both know that stopping alien kidnappings is as simple as wearing a helmet to bed. However, not everyone is as smart as us. Those people should check out a list of 52 Indicators That May Show You Are an Alien Abductee. It's absurdly inclusive, and after taking it, most normal people will be shocked to discover that they have been laid in space. Here are some highlights:

Have you had missing or lost time of any length, especially one hour or more?

If this doesn't happen every week or two, you're not drinking right. Plus, the way memory works is that routine behavior is often stored in places you can't easily access. It's why you sometimes can't remember if you locked the door or left your kid on top of the car. If you're missing an hour of time, let's assume your brain was bored before we assume you were being filled with fetuses by star enemies.

Have you been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room?

Or in other words, "Have you ever fucking watched yourself get abducted by space monsters!?" If you answered yes to this one, go ahead and read this next part out loud from your spacecraft operating table: "AIIEEEEEEEEE!"

Have you seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations?

There are a few things that can generate light other than space aliens, but stay worried -- each of them is also a rapist.

Do you have a marker memory that will not go away (alien face, examination, needle, table, strange baby, etc.)

You do now! The psychological power of suggestion can plant an idea in your mind easily, especially with powerful imagery like "alien face," "needle" and "strange baby." I use the technique all the time for jokes. For instance, watermelon nipples.

Do you have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them?

Of course not. If I could remember every throwing star fight I had, I'd join MENSA*.
*Mental Engineers Ninja-Starring Anything

Have you seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window?

And if you haven't, why the hell do your neighbors drive with their headlights off?

Have you had dreams of UFOs, beams of light, Or alien beings?

That's either clear-cut evidence that you were taken and your memory was erased or it's your subconscious telling you to look at more pornography before you sleep. Or you're peeing. I haven't been a dream analyst ever since I learned how to tell women to be quiet, but you sound like the kind of person who wets the spaceship.

Have you had a UFO sighting or sightings in your life?

Think really hard. Did they pull over and rape you?

Have seen someone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time, especially someone you sleep with?

Almost, but I just read a book on cunnilingus that should help. Ladies.

Do you have a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or are very socially conscious?

They're asking this because only a total pussy would get captured by a wispy, 60-pound alien.

Do you have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, without knowing where this compulsion came from?

Wait, is this list saying you're a self-important dick simply because monsters come across the galaxy to play with your dong while you sleep? Because why would they do that if you weren't the chosen one?

Have you had unexplainable events occur in your life?

To be honest, I'm starting to realize that the explanation for every event in a person's life is space aliens.

Have you experienced self- esteem problems much of your life?

This one is kind of automatic in a "Have I Been Abducted by Aliens?" checklist. No one diagnoses oneself as a cosmic sleep rape victim because they're super duper confident. This is like asking, "Have you ever had trouble understanding a Chinese waiter?" in a list called "How Can I Tell if I'm Deaf?"

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

This list has a lot of faith in your meteorology skills if it thinks you can look at a patch of fog and judge it to be impossible. To be safe, ask your local weatherman before opening fire on the mist.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

I may be able to explain it. Are you a cat owner wearing underpants made out of fish? No? Then you should have had an adult discussion about STDs and condoms with that stranger waking up next to you. I think this list is teaching us a lot more about alien abduction experts than it is about alien abductions, and it's this: Keep your genitals away from them.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

No kidding? Well, any sex therapist will tell you that the first step in repairing a relationship is accepting that it's outer space's fault. However, if you're not dating a tub of He-Man Evil Horde Slime, most experts say you're not to mention outer space at all.


Have you awoken in the middle of the night startled?

I was kind of making fun of this list earlier, but I can't think of any reason a person would wake up startled except for a UFO tractor beam. And that's what I'm going to tell the woman I almost certainly just farted on.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

You might have noticed that unexplainable injuries and genital sores appear on this list quite a bit. Maybe UFO abductees would be taken more seriously if they had one single symptom that wasn't the same as too much whiskey.

Are You a Psychopath?

The most famous psycho-diagnostic list of all time is Bob Hare's Psychopathy Checklist. It's a 21-item checklist that mental health professionals have been using for decades to spot psychopaths. Here's what's scary, though: It describes every person I've ever interacted with on the Internet. Let's take a look.

Grandiose sensel of self-worth

On the Internet, something as simple as your XBox 360 might make you a better person than all 90,000,000 Nintendo Wii owners. In fact, if there is a second-most important person on the Internet, I haven't received an email from him or her yet.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

Thirty percent of the people reading this article only saw these words because after these dashes it says -- vagina ice cream.

Criminal: versatility

Right now the most virtuous among you is downloading a Russian-subtitled version of The Avengers and watching illegal sodomy while they ask a stranger on Craigslist how much it would cost to hunt them.

Lack of empathy

To give you an idea of how common psychopathic behavior is on the Internet, try to picture stopping an argument by saying, "I have feelings that are hurt when you compare me to Hitler." You have a better chance of actually being Hitler than seeing that happen. The rest of the checklist includes things like glibness, pathological lying, failure to accept responsibility, parasitic lifestyle, poor behavioral control ... let's just agree we're being typed at by a lot of sociopaths and move on before this gets too dark.

Is Your Husband Gay?

Marrying a gay man is a crisis affecting nearly every woman, and this list proves it. It lets you easily know when your husband is a homosexual, sometimes even before he does. The list was written by Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., the leading expert on accidentally marrying gay people. She locked down the domain GayHusbands.com back when that term was a dark tragedy, not an expression of love recognized by several states and most non-assholes.

There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage that never picks up again. He tries to convince you that all relation- ships have a decli

Here's a list to diagnose if some of this is your fault. Question 1: Do you secretly keep track of your partner's sexual needs to expose their gayness? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it isn't fun to bone you.

His sexual performance is more mechanical than passionate with a lack of satisfying foreplay.

Women, if you see foreplay as a sign of rugged heterosexuality, you should really tell your stand-up comics and screenwriters to stop saying the exact opposite of that. Personally, I think we're great at foreplay. For example, when straight guys have sex we'll sometimes spend an entire afternoon of rugby leading up to it.

He claims he is depressed and will blame his depression or medication for depression for his lack of sexual desire for you.

I didn't achieve the academic pinnacle of M.Ed like Master Bonnie Kaye M.Ed, wives, but I would advise against telling your husband that his depression is just him needing cock. Wait until he's in better spirits before destroying your marriage.

You find sexual enhancers such as Viagra or Cialis hidden in his private hiding places, but you know he hasn't made any attempt to have sex with you.

He might only be having a regular affair. Or maybe he's saving them for when you're not fat. Ha ha, snap! I'm on your gay husband's side, fatty!

He tells you that he wants you to use sex toys on him because he needs his prostate stimulated or because he likes kinky sex.

Keep in mind that if you downloaded a special checklist to see if sliding a dildo inside a man might have homosexual connotations, your husband also has a fetish for sleeping with retarded people. Gotcha again, dingbat!

He erases the computer history on a regular basis.

If you know he does then he knows he has to, you snooping bitch.

You find pop-ups of gay pornography on the computer while he claims they are not his.

OK, busted. That person was looking at gay porn. However, if you're getting pop-up ads and then arguing over who owns them, the two of you shouldn't be using the World Wide Web without help from your grandchildren.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

Of course he's texting. How is he supposed to call with a congressman's asshole in his mouth?

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

That is kind of fruity. When straight guys need a workout, we lay on our stomachs and digest hot dogs.

He claims that he feels trapped in the marriage and won't explain why.

This could also indicate that his suffocating wife thinks she's the Dick Tracy of butt stuff. You're following him around with a clipboard and using a list of stereotypes to psychoanalyze him. He won't feel free until he kills you.

He travels a lot for business and you can't track his activities.

When the X-ray device at the airport is broken, a male TSA agent must legally handjob you to completion. So I suppose if you travel often enough, you're a homosexual simply by magnitude of gay experiences.

He says he is having a mid-life crisis and becomes moody and depressed.

I don't quite see the gayness here unless "mid-life crisis" is what you call it when a circle of men ejaculate on a prisoner. If your husband claims to be having one, check the area around him for a formation of masturbating men. If you don't see them, he might only be sad. If you do see them, you have only minutes to run. When they've finished, the homosexuals will be drawn to your womanly perfume.

He tells you about sexual abuse in his childhood/adolescence.

Man, this guy trusted the wrong amateur psychiatrist to open up to, didn't he? I can't wait to see what happens when you call him gay after this story.

He admits to having a homosexual encounter in the past.

When you're making a list for diagnosing gayness, it seems lazy to include: "Hey, lady, did your husband just tell you he was gay?"

He uses the word bisexual.

Oh, he's definitely a gay. Straight guys call that "Tango and Cashing." And Tango and Cashing guys communicate only through the expression of filling holes.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

You might be OK. If he claims he's only there to dance his troubles away, start to worry.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

This list really jumps around between behavior that could mean anything and behavior that totally means a person is gay and nothing else. "Does your husband keep a clean car? And does he keep banging dudes in it?"

He makes continual homophobic comments.

Like we're supposed to see some guy with better abs than us and not call him a homo? For an undersexed woman pretending to be a psychologist, you sure don't know much about insecurity.

His ego appears to be boosted by compliments from gay men.

This depends on the compliment. Did he call your husband handsome or tell him his penis tasted young? Look, I have no idea if this list indicates that your husband is gay, but he seems to hate you as much as I do, lady.

Are You a Vampire?

Blah! So now that you've found out you're a psychopath filled with alien eggs and the seed of a gay husband, you're probably wondering if there's a way to find out if you're also a, blah!, vampire. Luckily, there is a vibrantly crazy vampire community on the Internet and I was able to find this handy checklist. Blah!

Warning: It came with this stern warning:

"If you are convinced that you are a real vampire, yet have few to none of these traits you really need to read up on a term that is known as enabling and stop claiming to be one. You could even seem to have all of them but there is still no guarantee that you are a real vampire."

Do you have unusually pale skin? You don't have to be white to be pale. If yes then cook up one or two medium rare steaks. If, by the time you're done

I thought diagnosing yourself with vampirism would be harder. Right at the first question you find out if you're a confused vampire or just a vegan in a cape. Either way, I feel like I should warn you: The rest of high school is going to be really hard, kid.

Have you ever been told by professionals that you're lucky you survived an accident with only a few scratches or cuts?

That's not too unusual. Doctors rarely tell a patient that they've never seen a pansy get so hurt in a car crash. When they tell you the X-ray technician found bat guano on the inside of your pants, freak out.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

Well yeah, it's easy to win a spelling bee when you grow up being something as hard to spell as Nosferatu. And it's easy to run the fastest when you grow up exploding in sunlight. But I think the easiest way to spot a vampire athlete at age 16 is by looking for the cranky kid who says sports ruin his mascara.

4 Wildly Irresponsible Tests for 'Diagnosing' Problems

I'm getting the idea that this list isn't medically recognized by the Official Vampire Council and might only be an angsty kid trying to make sense of a world that doesn't understand him. However, this frustration with being constantly bumped is probably why modern vampires developed the ability to sparkle.

When you will things to happen do they usually happen?

Willing things to happen is a vampiric trait? That would explain why there are so many bloodless baby husks at the Staples Center every time the Lakers win.

Did your dad disappear from your life while you were at a young age? (NOTE: 52% of vampires out of a large range of vampires have answered yes to this

Holy crap, this just got troubling. I can't tell what's more tragic: the Twilight fan who wrote this list, or the fact that 48 percent of fathers support their child's decision to rise from the grave and devour the night's innocents.

Do you always feel a strong urge to travel?

Before you start transforming into a bat, we learned from the last list that this only means you married a gay fella. Sorry, Dracula.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. Learn more at Seanbaby.com or follow him on Twitter.

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