3

Even The Tiniest Nods To Realism Are Treated As Shocking

All movies rely on shorthand -- characters order food at restaurants and leave before eating it, action heroes never have to look for parking, etc. But the shorthand we've decided to use for sex scenes is shaped by some very old-fashioned, incredibly arbitrary attitudes about what realities of sex are kosher to show.

Characters almost never search for a condom unless it's a plot point (Knocked Up) or a joke (Road Trip). There's no cleanup involved, so all we can guess is that the couples are having their meaningful pillow talk while lying in cum. The woman doesn't have to pee, nobody needs a towel, the aforementioned condom doesn't need to be removed and disposed of. Even critically acclaimed "gritty" shows like Jessica Jones aren't immune to the "have the couple both fall backward onto the bed with the covers covering them post-sex" move (which would require some kind of planning and a 3-2-1 countdown to sync up).

And speaking of "sexy" movies, in The Cider House Rules, when Tobey Maguire and Charlize Theron finally give in to their heaving biological urges, their sex consists of him hiking his pants down slightly and thrusting into her about three times. Then they're both gasping for air, so ... did she enjoy that? Do they ever discuss if she enjoyed it? Should he keep going with his mouth? Fools! One does not ask such things in a movie!

It's fine to say that it's not movies' job to teach young people how sex works -- just note that there is no one else doing that. When do young guys get the lesson "Hey, we know you can ejaculate by rubbing against literally any object for 30 seconds, but a lot of women can't orgasm without some attention to the clitoris beforehand"? Instead, this is what gets reinforced thousands of times over: Sex is nothing but kissing, thrusting, then you both fall to the pillows in a state of satisfied exhaustion.

Related: If Movie Sex And Relationships Were Realistic

2

Masturbation And Kinks Are Always Played For Laughs (Or Sadness)

Any deviation from extremely straightforward sex with E-Z mutual orgasms usually serves a specific purpose: either a wacky joke or telling us something deep and meaningful about the characters beyond "They want to have sex and enjoy it."

Masturbation, one of the most ubiquitous acts on Earth, is usually pretty enjoyable and uneventful in real life. In movies, it almost always serves one of two functions: 1) It's a joyless character's sad, lonely respite (like for Kevin Spacey in American Beauty or Matthew Broderick in Election), or 2) It's a setup for the character to get embarrassingly walked in on (Tommy Boy, American Pie 1 through American Pie 27: Pantsless Trade School), or for the masturbator to accidentally grab a tube of Tabasco Sauce that's shaped exactly like their tube of Unhot Masturbating Sauce.

1

In Our Attempts To Be Progressive, We've Made A Terrible Compromise

I've made it this far and have only mentioned heterosexual sex. Of course, homosexual sex acts are even harder to come by and usually even more chaste, unless the movie/show is specifically about non-straight characters. And if a film depicts sex acts involving at least one trans person that isn't "Bro gets tricked into having sex with a trans woman lol!" then you're probably watching an indie film that played at some arthouse theaters and got praise from critics for being bold and daring. "This was the film that deigned to notice these people both exist and like to have sex. Brace yourself for a truly shocking experience."

It becomes yet another example of how when movies/shows depict sex outside of brief penis-in-vagina interludes, they portray it in ways that reinforces taboos. For decades, conservative types have complained that Hollywood's obsession with casual sex would lure our vulnerable children into a life of lurid depravity. In reality, mainstream movies lag far behind what the average middle-aged suburban couple does as a matter of routine, and rarely dares to portray the things that couple does when they want to spice things up.

A cynical person would say that Hollywood is conforming to standards that were set a long time ago by dudes who decided sex should be portrayed exactly how they wished it worked -- with minimal foreplay, no condom, lasting only as long as it takes the average guy to ejaculate, and then you have a cigarette and get back to trying solve the big case. As time has gone on, we've only become progressive in that we can show that style of sex in greater volume and detail. "The bad news is the restaurant's food is all spoiled, the good news is that it's all-you-can-eat."

Therefore if those young, curious dudes want to see the real stuff, they turn to porn. On one hand, there they can at least see the mechanics of what's going on, and can be exposed to sexuality in all of its forms without judgment. On the other hand, they'll also find there are entire genres of porn about, say, muscular authority figures forcing victims into sex. Hell, there are entire genres just about porn producers coercing nervous, unwilling girls into acts they're not comfortable with.

Obviously, it's also not the porn industry's job to teach teens how to have safe, mutually satisfying, consensual sex. But it'd be nice if someone was doing it.

Support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 4 Hilarious Behind The Scenes Details Of A Movie Sex Scene:

The first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR is coming to a city near (some of) you this spring! Tickets on sale now for Chicago IL (April 11th) and St. Paul MN (April 12th).

Follow us on Facebook. And we'll follow you everywhere.