4 Ways Hollywood Is Still Getting Sex Wrong

That's how it went for you, right? Your first time?

Look, no one has ever said "This Tom Hanks movie will teach me how to have sex!" But the reality is that by puberty, 99.99 percent of the sexual encounters a teenager has seen will have been in a movie or TV show, unless they grew up in a super open-minded household. And what they get, over and over, are scenes like that -- a jump cut with no actual nudity, no foreplay, no one procuring a prophylactic unless it's for a joke, and the guy (in this case, one with no experience) bringing the woman to borderline transcendental ecstasy with little effort.

Think of how differently this scene would play if there was actual realistic foreplay -- Leo with his hands or head between her legs (that is, the thing that has to occur first for most women to have any chance of orgasm). To audiences, that suddenly seems far more explicit and graphic ... even though to anyone who's had sex, it's the bare, routine minimum.

In a world in which American sex ed is barely allowed to mention pleasure at all, the "lessons" we get are demonstrations of sex that in reality would leave a confused guy saying, "You didn't finish? But I was thrusting and everything! I was just about to say it was the best date ever."

Characters almost never search for a condom unless it's a plot point (Knocked Up) or a joke (Road Trip). There's no cleanup involved, so all we can guess is that the couples are having their meaningful pillow talk while lying in cum. The woman doesn't have to pee, nobody needs a towel, the aforementioned condom doesn't need to be removed and disposed of. Even critically acclaimed "gritty" shows like Jessica Jones aren't immune to the "have the couple both fall backward onto the bed with the covers covering them post-sex" move (which would require some kind of planning and a 3-2-1 countdown to sync up).

And speaking of "sexy" movies, in The Cider House Rules, when Tobey Maguire and Charlize Theron finally give in to their heaving biological urges, their sex consists of him hiking his pants down slightly and thrusting into her about three times. Then they're both gasping for air, so ... did she enjoy that? Do they ever discuss if she enjoyed it? Should he keep going with his mouth? Fools! One does not ask such things in a movie!

It's fine to say that it's not movies' job to teach young people how sex works -- just note that there is no one else doing that. When do young guys get the lesson "Hey, we know you can ejaculate by rubbing against literally any object for 30 seconds, but a lot of women can't orgasm without some attention to the clitoris beforehand"? Instead, this is what gets reinforced thousands of times over: Sex is nothing but kissing, thrusting, then you both fall to the pillows in a state of satisfied exhaustion.

Related: If Movie Sex And Relationships Were Realistic

Masturbation, one of the most ubiquitous acts on Earth, is usually pretty enjoyable and uneventful in real life. In movies, it almost always serves one of two functions: 1) It's a joyless character's sad, lonely respite (like for Kevin Spacey in American Beauty or Matthew Broderick in Election), or 2) It's a setup for the character to get embarrassingly walked in on (Tommy Boy, American Pie 1 through American Pie 27: Pantsless Trade School), or for the masturbator to accidentally grab a tube of Tabasco Sauce that's shaped exactly like their tube of Unhot Masturbating Sauce.

The same goes for anything novelty or fetish-related. Characters never just have fetishes because that's a natural thing and they want to have pleasurable sexual experiences. It has to reveal something darker about them. Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers is a crazy nymphomaniac, Mad Men's Don Draper likes to get slapped 'cause he's a troubled cable show protagonist, and Christian Grey likes bondage because he has an abusive past.

Or, again, it'll be the butt of a joke. Who enjoys dildos? Jim Carrey's insane suppressed-rage alter ego from Me Myself & Irene sure does. And if someone owns a vibrator, they're not just going to use it to uneventfully enjoy themselves; you better believe that thing's gonna end up knocking over Grandma's urn. If a character is into bondage or, god forbid, butt stuff, it will be portrayed as the most hilariously depraved shit ever, despite the fact that a good chunk of the people reading this have at least experimented with one or both.

It really is amazing how puritanical Hollywood is about this, even in 2019. Yes, Deadpool will let his girlfriend penetrate him with a dildo, but that's to emphasize that he's an outrageous character who breaks social norms in often gruesome ways. Hollywood always plays scenes like that for shock value, which reinforces that we're supposed to find them shocking. Imagine the Rock having butt stuff done to him in a serious love scene, and both characters treating it as normal.

Therefore if those young, curious dudes want to see the real stuff, they turn to porn. On one hand, there they can at least see the mechanics of what's going on, and can be exposed to sexuality in all of its forms without judgment. On the other hand, they'll also find there are entire genres of porn about, say, muscular authority figures forcing victims into sex. Hell, there are entire genres just about porn producers coercing nervous, unwilling girls into acts they're not comfortable with.

Obviously, it's also not the porn industry's job to teach teens how to have safe, mutually satisfying, consensual sex. But it'd be nice if someone was doing it.

Support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 4 Hilarious Behind The Scenes Details Of A Movie Sex Scene:

The first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR is coming to a city near (some of) you this spring! Tickets on sale now for Chicago IL (April 11th) and St. Paul MN (April 12th).

Follow us on Facebook. And we'll follow you everywhere.