4 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories We Wish Were True
Celebrities and wacky conspiracy theories are a pairing that has existed since time immemorial. More often than not, these "groundbreaking secrets about famous folks" have perfectly mundane explanations. The rumors about Lady Gaga having a penis were basically the result of unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions, and have since been thoroughly debunked. The strange story about how Stephen King totally killed JFK was made up by one crazy rape-van-driving dude. And the insane bouncing episode Tom Cruise had on Oprah a few years ago was, as we all now know, not a byproduct of secret Scientologist rites but merely a heroic attempt to kill the murderous Decepticon disguised as a couch.
Still, despite the fact that these things are almost always complete horseshit, sometimes -- just sometimes -- a celebrity conspiracy theory emerges that is so good, we kind of wish it was true.
"Keanu Reeves and Nic Cage Are Immortal"
Several Internet eons ago (in 2011), a man emerged from the depths of the abyss bringing secret, dangerous knowledge: The entity we know as "Nicolas Cage" is immortal, and quite possibly a vampire. A few years earlier, we had already found out that another popular person we have come to call "Keanu Reeves" is equally ageless, having lived throughout the ages under various guises that include the French silent-film actor Paul Mounet and the legendary 9th-century emperor Charlemagne.
Even if Reeves actually were the legendary emperor, Christopher Lee would still be the most badass Charlemagne.
Of course, in reality neither man is deathless (as far as we know). Someone just managed to find some old photos and/or paintings that kind-of-sort-of resemble them. In Reeves' case, the finders were happy to create a batshit-crazy theory about his immortality. The man who found the 140-year-old photo of "Cage" totally tried to sell it for a million dollars, which is presumably why he chose to whip out the vampire angle.
Though, now that I think of it, he does look like he's in sore need of an opera cape.
It's hilarious and, as Cracked has previously pointed out, also kind of sad that Cage, who only barely resembles that "Civil War era" picture of him anyway (look at the ears, people), was the guy who a) was automatically labeled as a vampire and b) actually felt the need to personally debunk the rumor, as if he was genuinely worried someone would believe he's a vampire. Meanwhile, Reeves, whose relatively generic pretty-boy looks actually resemble pics of those other guys, has been able to ignore the crazy-ass rumors just fine.
Still, to be honest, if I had to make a list of Hollywood folks whom I strongly suspect sleep in a casket, Master Cage's name would totally be on the list.
Why It Needs to Be Real:
Let's assume for a while that these theories are true, that both men seem to age remarkably well isn't a combination of good genes and plain old Hollywood vanity, but instead is a sign of their agelessness. Would it not be cool as shit? There's no way the most famously wooden and the most hilariously animated actors of the silver screen would both be immortals by accident. They'd totally have a Highlander thing going on, fighting and evading each other through the alleys and across the rooftops of the world in between movie-making.
Take a wild guess which one is the villain.
Maybe other seemingly ageless celebrities are secretly immortal and in on the action too. Stallone and Cruise have been looking basically the same for decades, haven't they? Half the women in Hollywood are ageless and could be running around decapitating each other (and the occasional witness/paparazzo) with big-ass swords for all we know. Oh, and holy shit -- apart from the suspiciously lush gray hair and the odd, possibly makeup-assisted wrinkle, even Clancy goddamn Brown has looked more or less the same since Highlander, hasn't he?
Guys, guys: If this theory was true, the Kurgan could be real.
"Justin Bieber Is a Reptilian"
Longtime Cracked readers may be familiar with David Icke, a former sports dude who, midway through the 1990s, came up with a dong-slappingly insane theory about a secret master race of lizard people who rule the world. Although clearly the product of a person who has received a football in the face one time too many, the theory gained a surprising foothold among the crazies. Thankfully, it has since been banished to the underbelly of the Web by constant, gleeful mockery (good job, people!).
That is, until Justin Bieber got arrested in early 2014 and revived some of the interest in the movement by accidentally outing himself as a lizard person. Behold:
Holy shit! His eyes totally change into weird iguana-dragon thingies mid-blink, turning his whole face into an emotionless husk! Icke has been right all along!
Or is it?
Why It Needs to Be Real:
Look, I'm not explicitly hoping it turns out that Bieber is an inhuman beast-thing. He's done nothing to me personally to deserve that. However, when society inevitably collapses into a Mad Max meets Mortal Kombat style dystopian wasteland where Celebrities battle Normals, who are you going to feel better facing off against: A 20-something kid whose only crimes are a bunch of dubious records and the sort of bullshit antics pretty much anyone who got so rich so young would indulge in ...
"I once lifted a whole Popsicle by myself."
... or a certifiably evil reptile man that comes at you at shoulder height, screeching something unintelligible about wanting to be your boyfriend and waving a mace?
What, you chose the former? Man, Theodore Roosevelt's spirit is going to be so disappointed in you, and he expresses sadness exclusively via nuclear-strength crotch punches. Did I not mention our faction is led by Ghost Teddy Roosevelt? Shit, I probably should have mentioned that before you chose unwisely, forcing him to pulverize your pelvic area with his uncontainable disappointment.
(Also, all joking aside: If Reptile Bieber spits acid as badly as he spits rhymes, there's no way he poses any more danger to society as a lizard man than he does as a plain rich dick.)
"A Whole Bunch of A-Listers Are Possessed by Demons"
Reptile people and immortal supervillainy are fine and all, but your celebrity bullshit-o-rama just isn't perfect until someone starts screaming about massive, multiple-celebrities-spanning conspiracy arcs. There's a popular theory that the super-secret power society the Illuminati is a thing (it isn't), and a number of celebrities (that is, pretty much all of them) are high-ranking members. However, that's too easy: Everyone knows the wealthy and the well-known belong in a powerful elite club. It's called being rich and famous. Today, our interest is piqued by another theory, which calmly states that a whole lot of famous folks are totally possessed by demons. Just straight-up overtaken by demonic entities, which are responsible for all those strange celebrity hijinks they indulge in.
The celebrities this particular theory specifically name-drops are Beyonce:
To the surprise of no one, the demon "possessing" her is called Sasha Fierce.
There are many adjectives applicable to this lady, but I dare say "demonic" isn't one of them.
Hey, hold on a second ...
Starting to sense a pattern here.
And Denzel Washington:
So that's the game we're playing here, tin-foil nutbags? Screw the gazillion white performers whose public personas should qualify them in the hat-pooping squad at the drop of a (poopy) hat -- they're just "eccentric," aren't they? The demon status is reserved only for the people with a certain skin tone? Sure, the articles touting these theories also passingly name white folks such as Robin Williams and everyone's favorite Highlander Keanu Reeves as riders of the demon train, because they've been known to compare acting to "possession" and/or someone once passingly mentioned they "have a lot of demons" (conspiracy theorists are notable for their infallible logic). But despite their fame, these famous white actors remain footnotes -- the focus of all this demon bullshit falls squarely on the black performers, and fuck that noise.
Why It Needs to Be Real:
Man, I had a whole rant prepared about the nature of fame and how it correlates to selling your soul and shit, but now that I noticed the racist overtones of this thing, I'm just depressed. Fuck this theory with the biggest sack of fucks available. The only reason I kind of want it to be true is that if it were, maybe all these people could grab their pitchforks and go ram them up the asses of the racist conspiracy cockwaffles that keep coming up with stuff like this.
"Andrew W.K. Is More Than One Person"
As the new millennium dawned, a strange, white-clad, bloody-nosed madman burst on the music scene. This prophet of partying was called Andrew W.K., and behold! He was neat. However, since his breakthrough hit (you know, the one about quantum physics) started gaining traction, there have been rumors that he was, to put it bluntly, fictional. An entity called "Steev Mike" is claimed to be behind his music. Some say things go even deeper than that: According to them, the man we know as Andrew W.K. is an actor, and there have been at least two Andrews over the years. Here's proof:
You know the theory is true because people never look different in photographs taken years apart. Also, clearly we're talking about a man whose face is completely set in stone, and never ever drastically changes, no matter what happens.
Unsurprisingly, Mr. W.K. was quite taken aback by the rumors at first, but he ultimately decided to embrace them, because what the hell else are you going to do? Just flat-out admit that you're a doppelganger, or -- even more boringly -- that you're not?
That shit does not a party make.
Why It Needs to Be Real:
Why? Seriously, you're asking me why, subheader?
Do you know how awesome Andrew W.K. is, subheader? The man is a national treasure. There's his party-tastic Twitter account. There's his weekly, nigh-impossibly profound "Ask Andrew W.K." column. He's involved in cool nightclubs, motivational speaker tours, TV shenanigans, and a ton of other stuff. And, of course, there's always this:
In all of his ventures, he's a paragon of slightly insane but surprisingly insightful positivity, and even the people who have met him and kind of buy into the "elaborate hoax" theory admit he's one of the nicest guys they've ever met. So, some people are saying there's more than one of this man? To this, I say fuck yeah! I want there to be more Andrews W.K. The world needs more Andrews W.K. In fact, regardless of whether this thing is true, from now on I'm choosing to believe that there are at least a dozen of this guy running around, giving good advice to strangers, making faces on Fox News, going insane on Twitter, and rocking like no men have rocked before or ever will, all the while wearing that trademark smirk on their faces. At night, they all meet in a hidden Andrew W.K. lair and embark on secret missions where they fight crime. With the power of partying.
Cloning device Kickstarter, anyone?
He's not the hero we deserve, but PARTY HARD PARTY HARD PARTY HARD!
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.