16 Steps To Destroy Your Day With Facebook Customer Support
Facebook's mission statement (according to https://www.facebook.com/facebook/info) is to connect people. They're doing a great job at it, too. I, for example, have met a number of incredibly attractive women who have only one profile picture and a keen interest in personal finance. It takes all types, I suppose. As with any large undertaking, though, things occasionally go wrong. When they do, you'll want to know these 16 easy steps to get in touch with Facebook.
Check The Help Forum
Facebook has a lot of users -- I'm talking like more than a dozen -- so chances are you aren't the first person to have the problem you're experiencing. Check the Facebook help forum to make sure your question hasn't been answered already. To get there, move your mouse to the upper-right corner of your screen to the little triangle pointing down that is literally the smallest icon on the page. This will drop down a menu. In the bottom part of this menu is an item you may not be able to see (you have to scroll down even though this does not look like it scrolls down) called "Help."
Or, you can just head over to https://www.facebook.com/help.
Find The Relevant Thread
The help forum is useful and intuitive. Just type your issue in the search bar.
You'll then get posts by the Facebook help team tangentially related to your issue.
Follow The Suggested Step
Regardless of what your problem is, there is an 80 percent chance the official response is, "Wait it out." See if nobody doing anything fixes your issue.
Note the smiley-face rating system. What degree of smiley are you right now? Extremely smiley? We're betting on extremely smiley.
Check The Community Questions
If there isn't an official response for your problem, it's time to pull out the big guns: the community questions. There are literally tens of thousands of user-generated threads on your topic. Before contacting the Facebook team, be sure to click through each and every one of these.
With 34,641 questions, at the rate of one question per minute, you could be done in just 24 days of nonstop reading!
Start A New Thread
If there is no answer to your question, start a new thread. It doesn't matter if there are already dozens of threads asking the same question with no response, crying out into the abyss: bumping and reposting, demanding developer responses to just silence. Nothing but deafening silence.
Make Note Of Any Parallels With Dante's Inferno
There will be many, so don't be too hard on yourself if you can't catch them all. Think carefully about what life decisions have led you to this point. Think about what you might have done to deserve this.
"Specs! Give us your specs!"
Report The Problem
After you have witnessed Facebook's garden of poor unfortunate souls, it's time to pull out the big guns. Actually, I guess we've already pulled out the big guns once, so this time, we'll pull out the bigger guns: Report this issue to the Facebook team. You can do this by going to that same tiny arrow again. Take screenshots of your issue and carefully describe it so that someone from the Facebook team could re-create the error. I say "could" because there's no guarantee anyone will actually read your message; you will see a confirmation telling you not to expect a reply because they can't reply to each and every problem. Rest assured, however, your input will somehow be used to make Facebook better!
Apparently people's photo albums disappearing is disturbingly common.
Have You Tried Checking The Help Forum?
If Facebook thanking you and then not reading your report doesn't solve your issue, it's time to pull out the biggest guns: Check the forums at https://www.facebook.com/help to make sure your question hasn't been answered already. If it hasn't, try posting to the forum!
Check Your Support Inbox
Notice that you now have a new entry in your support inbox, which can be found by going back to that tiny triangle in the upper-right corner of the screen. This is an official record of your report and its response, telling you that you will receive no individual response. Here, you can learn more about reporting an issue (which you've just done) and sharpening your skills at recognizing real-life instances of irony. This is presumably a Zen koan, showing you that you never had a problem to begin with. If you still have a problem ...
The icon for the support inbox is a heart with a lightbulb in it because "maybe your heart has an idea"
is about as much technical support as you're going to get.
Check The Forum
Check the Facebook help forum at https://www.facebook.com/help. There's a lot of great information in there, so click through to make sure your question hasn't already been answered in the forum. You can even start a new thread of your very own!
Zero of zero people finding a reply helpful gives the Facebook Help Team an infinitely good track record.
Curse God
Realize that Facebook's customer service policies are proof that we do not live in a just universe nor one indifferent to us: The only explanation for the success of Facebook is a malevolent deity.
Call Facebook
None of us likes to use the phone anymore, but it looks like it's time to pull out the biggerest guns: Call Facebook at 650-543-4800. That is Facebook's actual help number as of the date of publication of this article. You will be answered by an automated system. Congratulations, you have successfully contacted Facebook customer service!
"To continue, please answer the following riddles of the ancients ..."
You will have nine options to choose from: customer support, law enforcement, business development/advertising, marketing, press inquiries, employment verification, Instagram, Oculus, or "All other inquiries." Choose wisely from these nine options! Your choice will affect the particular wording used to tell you to check the Facebook help forum at https://www.facebook.com/help. It will then hang up on you.
Check The Forum
As directed by the phone system, check the Facebook help forum at https://www.facebook.com/help. You must check the forum. Perhaps your question has already been answered there. What was your question again? You will try to remember, but it will seem more like a dream than a memory. It had something to do with events, didn't it? Or friend requests? Was your question about the forum itself?
Were you ever a man that was using Facebook, or just a Facebook that thought it was man?
Contact Them The Old-Fashioned Way
If problems persist, book a flight to California. While on the tarmac, check your support inbox to see if you have received a response. You won't have, but it has a helpful link to the forum. You will have memorized the entirety of the forum by now, and it is a comfort.
Go To Facebook
Take an Uber to their headquarters at 1 Hacker Way, Menlo Park, CA 94025. This is their actual address. You know this because of the forum.
Check if the health center is for fitness or medical emergencies.
Get Their Attention
Light yourself on fire in their parking lot. This is sure to get their attention, and a representative should be out to help you shortly. And by "help," I mean they will verbally tell you the URL to their help forum.
Facebook: connecting you with anyone in the world except their customer support team.
Alternatively, you could just write "Black Lives Matter" somewhere and eventually a Facebook employee will come by to cross it out:
Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter, watch his videos, and look at his website.
Don't you wish Facebook had a function to filter out the racism? We do. See what else we'd add to Facebook in 5 Simple Solutions That Would Make Facebook Bearable Again, and learn that, yes, you can buy guns on Facebook in 5 Terrifying Things I Learned While Buying Guns On Facebook.
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