11 Original Pickup Lines That Cannot Fail
Pickup lines are a tricky business. Oftentimes, they're creepy to the point of deserving a slap. When they're not creepy, they're so corny that they warrant an eye roll so gloriously dramatic, sarcastic, and spiteful that the shame-stink of it will haunt you forever, like the spray of a skunk. And they don't make tomato juice that can wash shame-stink off of your soul.
We here at Cracked want to change that. We want to arm you with the boldest and strongest, yet non-slappy and non-shamey, pickup lines that you can use on a potential mate. These lines will make an impression without the fear of a woman leaving an impression of her hand on your cheek.
Why bash a girl over the head with a blatant and desperate appeal to get in her pants, when you can use simple wordplay to slightly baffle her with the suggestion that your name is a general description for a time of day?
Don't get too specific. "Call me TonightButBefore11I'veGotAWorkthingInTheMorning" doesn't hold the same swagger.
"I'm Not Actually This Tall. I'm Sitting on My Wallet."
It's no secret that women want a guy with money. It's not a matter of gold digging; it's a matter of not being stuck with an unemployed loser whose yearly income can be counted on his hands and feet. While this line will definitely grab attention, there is a downside: short guys will be giving away the fact that the tiny little man trying to pick up the Amazon at the bar will only get shorter when he reaches for his wallet to pay for dinner, thus putting more importance on the guy actually having money. Being rich makes up for a lot of physical disadvantages.
5'8" just means you can actually fit in a sports car.
"Is Your Name WiFi? Because I'm Really Feeling a Connection."
Out of all the pickup lines like it -- where a girl is asked a question, and the guy's follow-up statement is a pun based on the question -- this one is a clear winner. Why? Because usually the follow-up is a statement so perverse, so profane, so disgusting that it should only be used if your intent is to be slapped out of your chauvinism. Yes, of course it's ridiculous to ask if someone is named WiFi. No one is named WiFi, and the only babies who will be named WiFi in the future will be so ruthlessly mocked throughout their lives they will never, ever be found in popular hangout spots where pickup lines are used. But pickup lines are in no way guaranteed to get you bumping uglies in the sack; they exist solely to break the ice and get a giggle out of a potential partner, getting you started off on the right foot, thus opening the pathway for conversation. It's a silly line, but with enough charm and humor behind it, it can work on anyone.
Just beware of jerks jumping on your signal and draining your connection speed.
"If Looks Could Kill, You'd Be a Weapon of Mass Destruction."
It's always good to compare a lovely lady to something that can and has killed millions. Might as well compare them to the Black Death, right? But pushing that aside, this line isn't about comparing a person's attractiveness to that of a nuclear bomb; it's about the clever, unique spin on the classic adage "if looks could kill." This is a line that can very easily be imagined smoothly slipping from the lips of John Shaft himself. This line is best paired with a stiff drink, a mean strut, and a righteous hand, one primarily used for loving and secondarily used as a fist for the pummeling of fools.
A hand so powerful, it must be contained when not in use.
"Girl, if You Were Words on a Page, You'd Be FINE Print."
Nothing gets a girl in the mood more than suggesting her degree of hotness is comparable to the complex legalese denoted with an asterisk at the bottom of a credit card statement.
"As noted in subsection E, accepting said compliment in no way waives the pursued's
right to disengage in conversation at any given ti-"
"Hi, Do You Have a Few Minutes for Me to Hit on You?"
This line breaks the fourth wall. It's a meta commentary on pickup lines themselves, while simultaneously being viable and effective in its own right. This is the very definition of a bold line, as it drops all pretense and cuts to the chase without venturing into creepy. The straightforward nature of the line is enough to break an iceberg. It's a line that's upfront with its intentions but also playful. It says, "We both know how silly the world of dating can be -- so let's have some fun with it."
"OK, but does your friend have a few minutes to pretend to be interested in my friend's cat stories?"
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 6
"Like a Broken Pencil, Life Without You Is Pointless."
The beauty of this line can be found in how seamlessly it can be woven into conversation. Most pickup lines are about as subtle as a cartoon caveman clubbing a cavewoman over the head with a mallet as his first and only means of wooing. This line is smooth and doesn't leave behind the rank aftertaste of horny desperation. It's clever without being too corny, and it has that romantic quality you'd imagine of a noir detective from the 1930s, saying it just before he passionately grabs his dame by the shoulders and lays a smooch on her lips so powerful that the movie absolutely must cut to the end credits, because there's no way anything can top it. Just don't wear a fedora, unless your jawline was chiseled from stone and your name is something uber-manly, like Dirk Manwood.
Even then, you're indoors. Were you raised in a barn?
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"Don't Tell Me if You Want Me to Take You Out to Dinner. Just Smile for Yes, or Do a Backflip for No."
Ah, nothing better than a clever verbal trap to ensnare the affections of a woman. With this line, you can deviate from the norm and inject some absurdity into the dating scene. It's like a line a Monty Python member would, and probably has, used to score a date. With this, you can spice up the normally acrid, oftentimes horrible world of pickup lines with something far more creative than anything a girl will hear on any given night.
Heads up. Some women can totally call your bluff on this.
"If I Had Four Quarters to Give to the Four Prettiest Girls in the World, You Would Have a Dollar."
Flattery through financial comparison. This line singles out a beautiful woman as something special. Everyone -- man, woman, ghostly apparition, highly intelligent dog -- loves feeling like they alone are the focus of someone's desires. Start off by setting up the premise of an even split of money for the most beautiful, then knock her heart out by telling her she's the only woman alive worthy of the lofty title of the most beautiful you've ever seen. If that doesn't get her panties in a bunch, then you're going to have to wait until last call to try to pick up some of the desperate leftovers.
"So are you a, uh, Canadian coin? Because I'm loonie for you."
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 3
"You're So Beautiful That You Made Me Forget My Pickup Line."
There's no hiding the fact that this anti-pickup line is, in fact, a pickup line in itself. It's a variation on the meta pickup line from a few entries above. But again, if you're going to use a pickup line, why masquerade your intentions? Don't hide it -- have some fun with the concept of using a silly line to try to pick up a girl by pointing at the absurdity of what you're doing, and hope the girl you're trying to chat up has the sense of humor to join in on the fun and give you the benefit of the doubt.
"What? No, it was line; I don't need you to call me an ambulance-"
"Do You Have a Tan, or Do You Always Look This Hot?"
Everyone looks better with a golden hue bestowed upon them by the rays of the sun. People love it so much that there are salons where all they do is shove people in ovens or hose them down with orange goo to give them the radiant glow they so desire. Casually asking if a girl has a tan implies that she has a glow about her, that her skin tone makes her pop out from within a dense crowd, even in a dark bar or club. If said with a casual tone, this line can catch a girl off guard. It's bold without crossing a line, it's firm without being offensive, it's complimentary without making you sound like a slobbering sex hound.
They neuter those guys.