14 Highly Uncomfortable Facts About George Washington

It’s so much worse than wooden teeth and cherry trees
14 Highly Uncomfortable Facts About George Washington

This dude was struck by lightning before he was born, and almost became a zombie after he died. There was even more weird stuff in between.

He Got Struck by Lightning in the Womb

While Mary Ball Washington was pregnant, a bolt of lightning crashed a dinner party she was attending. It instantly killed one of the guests, fusing her fork and knife to her hands, and passed somewhat harmlessly through Mary and proto-George.

Dude Was a Centrist Coward

George Washington was the first and only president of the U.S. who was unaffiliated with any political party.

He Was a Filthy Frenchman

He was given honorary French citizenship, making him our only president with dual citizenship.

He Was a Slave Owner. And Not, Like, ‘One of the Good Ones’

He inherited slaves at the age of 11, and waited until he died to emancipate some of them. Even then, he stipulated that they should only be freed after Martha’s death. Martha let them go in less than a year — but not out of the kindness of her heart. She was hearing rumblings that they wanted to kill her to gain their freedom, which like… who can blame them?

He Paid Below Market Price for Human Teeth

The wooden teeth thing is a myth, probably to whitewash the insane truth of his smooch hole. His dentures were an unholy jumble of animal bones, lead and the salvaged remains of his own haggard chompers, plus healthy teeth he harvested from his slaves. He paid them for their trouble, but he paid less than contemporary dentists were offering in newspaper advertisements.

He’s the King of the Army Forever

In 1945, the New York Times pointed out that Washington was technically outranked by 45 generals. Congress responded by posthumously awarding him the title “General of the Armies” — a “super rank” he now shares with only John Pershing and Ulysses S. Grant — and clarifying that he’s the best General of the Armies ever. One opponent of the pointless edict said, “It’s like having the Pope offer to make Christ a cardinal.”

He Started a World War Because He Sucked at Army

In 1754, he accidentally kicked off the French and Indian War by picking a fight he couldn’t win with a small French battalion. He surrendered at the Battle of Fort Necessity, which kicked off the huge, bloody Seven Years’ War between France and Great Britain. Good work, big dawg.

Credit Where It’s Due: The Guy Was Great at Naming Dogs

He had dogs named Tipsy, Mopsy, Madam Moose and Ragman. He called one Cornwallis, named after the British general he humiliated on the battlefield.

He Cucked His Subordinate’s Wife for Three Hours

We know this from a deliciously humiliating diary entry written by General Nathaniel Greene: “His Excellency and Mrs. Greene danced upwards of three hours without once sitting down.”

He Wrote a Love Letter to His Best Friend’s Wife, Right Before His Own Wedding

He was really hung up on Sally Fairfax, wife of his buddy George Fairfax, who taught him to dance when he was a gawky teen. Shortly before his wedding, he wrote to her: “The world has no business to know the object of my love, declared in this manner to you when I want to conceal it.”

He Wasn’t Even Our First President

The Continental Congresses and Confederation Congress held 17 elections starting in 1774. John Hancock was elected president twice, so technically, he’s tied with Washington.

A Quick Trip to CVS Could Have Saved His Life

He most likely died of a wicked bad bacterial infection of the throat that came out of nowhere. It’s not his fault, but had he hung on for another 129 years, he could have likely been cured with penicillin.

He Was Afraid of Becoming Our First Zombie President

In one of his last conversations, he requested they make damn sure he was dead before they buried him: “Do not let my body be put into the vault in less than three days after I am dead.” It wasn’t exactly common to be buried alive, but people in his day were very afraid of jumping the gun on interment. 

He Had a Guy in His Inner Circle Who Was Willing to Make It Happen

After he died, Dr. William Thornton tried to convince Martha Washington to let him perform a posthumous ice bath, body massage, tracheotomy and blood transfusion (with lamb’s blood), claiming that would revive his corpse. Martha, tragically, declined the procedure.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?