14 Jokes from the 1980s That Thankfully Hold Up
Reaching back into the grab bag of ‘80s comedy, you never know what you’re gonna get. So we descended deep into the content mines and picked out a few gems…
ALF Makes a Good Point: Jigsaw Puzzles Are a Self-Imposed Sisyphean Task
Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It’s broken.
Willie: That’s the object, ALF. You’re supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn’t break it.
Sam Kinison on How You Can Tell If You Have a Drug Problem
“I called a detox center just to see how much it would cost — $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with 13 grand, you don't have a problem yet.”
Robin Williams Concurs
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.”
Harry from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ Sums Up the Perils of Modern Situationships
“The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe you’re either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.”
Carol Leifer on How Far Women Have Come
“Women in the workplace — we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee… Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.”
Victoria Wood Won an Orgy by Rewriting the Rules
“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped, but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.”
Paul Reiser’s Got a Timeless Baby Name Pitch
“There was a period where our child’s birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.”
‘Saved by the Bell’ Nailed the Relationship with an Overly Strict, Absentee Father
Slater: What’s the matter, dad?
Major Slater: My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. See ya, A.C.
Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.
Sam Kinison’s Theology
“I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world, because they could never call in sick. They could never go, ‘Shhh, shhh, yeah I know, I’ll talk to him, it’ll be alright…’ (Ring, ring... Jesus picks up) ‘(coughing) Yeah, listen, Jesus, four or five of us went fishing last night, and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah, we’re coming down with a cold or something. Yeah, we’re not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? We’re healed? But you’re not here — ohh, you don’t have to be here, you can say the word and we’re healed? I didn’t know that. Yeah, everybody is up. Okay, we’ll see you in about 10 minutes, alright.’ Come on guys let go, we’re healed.”
From Now On, Rita Rudner Is the Only Person Allowed to Write Those Intros to Internet Recipes
“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue, and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”
Kids in the Hall’s Summary of Americans Still Stands
Filipino Kid: You are American?
Tourist: No, I’m a Canadian. It’s like an American, but without the gun.
Brett Butler on Running to the Front of Church Revivals
“It was then I knew I was destined for a career in show business — or at least alcoholism.”
Victoria Wood Reminds Us That Young Folks Have Always Been Poor and Horny
“It was wartime. There was a rubber shortage. We tried painting condoms on with gravy browning, but they wasn’t 100 percent effective.”
Randy from ‘Sixteen Candles’ Really Gets the Modern Skincare Obsession
“Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It’s bad for your complexion.”
