15 Inappropriate Jokes Crafted by the World’s Darkest Comedians
They can’t all be Jerry Seinfelds, making clean jokes at no one’s expense. Once in a while you need to see the world through the truly twisted mind of a career comic who’s spent a lifetime hating everything and everyone.
Frankie Boyle Is Right, and It’s Only Gotten Harder Since He Said This
“It’s very hard to tell if the Queen is unhappy with you. She hasn’t really cracked a smile since Diana died.”
Jimmy Carr on Staying Fit
“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”
Ricky Gervais on the Unfortunate Efficacy of the Prison-Industrial Complex
“My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.”
Katherine Ryan Fights Xenophobia with Xenophobia
“I don’t blame Americans for wanting to come to Canada. I’m very proud to be Canadian. Some have said we should build a wall, the way Trump suggests doing, to keep them out. And Americans are, of course, larger than Mexicans, the wall wouldn’t even need to be very high.”
Michael McIntyre on Keeping the Spark Alive
“You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote, ‘I still love you, see last year’s card for full details.’”
Paul Merton on Serendipity
“My aunt died at precisely 10:47 a.m., and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.”
Russell Howard Kind of Set His Girlfriend Up for Identity Theft Here
“My girlfriend deliberately set a silly security question, so that when she loses her card, she has a moment of joy. So she’d go, ‘Hello, I’ve lost my card,’ and the person would go, ‘Okay, no problem. I’ll just read out the security question. Why am I dreaming of a white Christmas?’ And my girlfriend gets to go, ‘Because you’re a racist!’ ‘Correct. No. Yes. No, uh… bye.’”
Sarah Millican on Why Your Grandparents’ Passing May Not Have Been as Romantic as You Think
“I read about a couple in their 80s, where she died and he died soon after. The paper said he died of a broken heart. But that’s not a medical condition. I think if she died and then a fortnight later he died, it’s probably because he didn’t know how to cook.”
Eddie Izzard on the Audacity of Fascists
“Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, ‘Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I’ll go outside and have a cigarette.’ Racist people never go, ‘Do you mind if I’m racist? Oh, I’ll go outside… Fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, stealing our hamsters.’”
Greg Giraldo Going After Pam Anderson (But It’s at Jeff Ross’ Expense, So It’s Cool)
“You’ve been flattened out and re-inflated more times than Jeff Ross’ prom date.”
Nikki Glaser Recalling What an Elite Athlete Caitlyn Jenner Once Was
“People forget just how fast you once ran from your first family to go be on a reality show.”
Wayne Brady Really Leaning into His ‘Chappelle’s Show’ Persona
“Roseanne, it’s been said that you stole Sam Kinison’s style: You’re fat, loud and you died in the ‘90s. But Roseanne, you had to overcome a lot to make it in Hollywood, and that’s why I love you — bad marriages, mental illness, plus, you look like Roseanne. You’re oversized, beat-up and you reek of marijuana. You’re kind of like Willie Nelson’s tour bus. Except people still wanna ride that.”
Lewis Black on Your Skincare Routine
“You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I’ve never seen those words anywhere. You don’t even know what you’re putting on your face, do you? You go, ‘Oh no, the sun’s out!’ It could be zebra cum; you don’t know. You may not like that joke, but you don’t know.”
Look, You Came Here for Inappropriate, You Better Believe Jim Norton’s Making an Appearance
“They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy. The kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.”
Doug Stanhope Says You Should Adopt, Don’t Shop
“If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby — go get an old man. There’s unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.”
