Absolute Dogshit Cars By Decade

Here in the U.S., we love our cars. Nothing feels more quintessentially American than rolling down Route 66, blasting dead dinosaur mist and cranking the Foghat. In the States, your car is more than a convenience, it’s an extension of your identity. That doesn’t look like it’ll change anytime soon, given that even mentioning the idea of “walkable cities” is enough to get your boxers run up a flagpole. Especially in conservative eyes, public transit is for hoodlums and the mentally ill, and is their least favorite form of travel that doesn’t involve crossing the border. That said, even the most car-culture-pilled vroomhead can admit that certain cars are indefensible.

Here's an absolute dogshit car for every decade since the 1940s...

1940s: Stranguellini 750

It seems it didn’t take long for the connection between cars and the driver’s genitals to become apparent. Even for the colloquial “penis car,” though, this is a bit much. There’s also the strange dichotomy of a car that’s such a clear phallus but is also very small? What’s the message here?

1950s: Fiat Multipla Marinella

I realize that automobile safety has come a long way, but c’mon now. I wouldn’t be surprised if this car indicated the moment they realized there was a need for some sort of federal oversight. Hit something going anywhere above 20 miles per hour, and it’s going to look like your grandpa’s porch got bombed.

1960s: Marcos Mantis

Ninety percent of this car looks fine. Well, fine in the way that there’s too many angular “cool guy” cars to really criticize it in particular. They were almost done with a perfectly reasonable little speedster, and then they blew it with a highly unsettling pair of side windows. It looks like the window guy sneezed in the middle of installation and they left it.

1970s: Plymouth Roadrunner Superbird

Hoo buddy. The spoiler is already a raised flag of assholery in any car, so I assume the target audience for the Roadrunner Superbird was just the word “dickhead” circled in red. I feel the need to make clear: Both the spoiler and the huge decal that lets everyone know that yes, it’s a Plymouth (?) seem to be part of the base model. All the obnoxiousness of modding without any of the personal pride.

1980s: Lamborghini LM 002

The luxury SUV has become a huge seller in recent years. The Lamborghini LM 002 didn’t contribute to that. It’s an unsightly hunk of metal that will have you telling people, “Yes, that’s a Lamborghini,” but in a desperate, pleading way. If you wanted a Hummer but felt like they were too subtle, may I recommend the Lamborghini LM 002, the official car of being double-parked.

1990s: Plymouth Prowler

No, this is not some sort of cable news mogul’s custom car. This was actually a mass-produced car from the 1990s, which should show you just how far the 1990s strayed from acceptable aesthetics. This baby pulls up to the club, and you know you’re about to see an old man wearing the worst jeans you’ve ever seen bribe his way in.

2000s: Toyota FJ Cruiser

The FJ Cruiser is among the most visually confusing cars ever made. The SUV is supposed to be a signal that the person inside is tough, and thinks therapy is bullshit. But the FJ Cruiser also looks like a car that you could only buy with some sort of Lego loyalty points.

2010s: Nissan Juke

What if you could grow a car in a petri dish? I assume it would resemble the Nissan Juke. Round headlights or angular headlights? Why not both, all four in the wrong place? It looks like an already ugly car got part of Venom’s symbiote suit splashed on it in a fight in a parking lot.

2020s: Tesla Cybertruck

I do indeed love to rag on Elon Musk, but I think we can admit, even without his inherent lameness attached, this looks like shit. Seeing one in the wild feels like your brain just dropped rendering quality to maintain a framerate. But hey, it’s the car to buy if you’re looking to sever one of your fingers every time you load something into the trunk in a rush.

Must Read