Rob Schneider Celebrates His 60th Birthday By Converting to Catholicism and Baptizing Twitter in Passive-Aggressive ‘Forgiveness’

It sure seems like conservative comedian Rob Schneider converted to Catholicism for one reason — to dole out that sweet, sacred, sanctimonious guilt.

Schneider turned 60 years old this past Halloween, but according to his Twitter feed, his birthday is now “That horrible night before All Saints’ Day.” Born into a mixed Jewish and Catholic home six decades ago, Schneider reports that he recently made the decision to pledge allegiance to the Pope and embrace the traditions and dogma of the Catholic faith. Anyone who was raised in the Roman Catholic church (myself included) understands how important forgiveness and repentance are to the religion, and, as a recently baptized convert, Schneider took to Twitter on his birthday to beg Christ for forgiveness for the many sins of the lousy, lame-stream liberals Schneider can’t keep out of his mind, tweets or prayers.

The bizarre, unhinged rant begins with a dubiously sourced Hindu proverb and a Norm Macdonald quote and ends with Schneider comparing COVID restrictions to the murder of his two uncles. 

“I was so angry at the people who shut down schools and indeed the world and who coerced others to do things against their will which hurt many people deeply,” Schneider told his followers (and the Lord) of his failure to forgive his fellow man, offering his “unconditional forgiveness and amnesty” to a long list of individuals whose names remain unspoken but whose sins Schneider has been carefully chronicling.

Among those wrongdoers for whom Schneider attempted to sneak-confess are “the famous singer who would not let others in to his Broadway show unless they had an experiential jab” (who Schneider also revealed hosted Saturday Night Live during his tenure), a more vaguely described actor “who shamed people like me but has been such a great example for other actors to never give up and keep fighting for their dreams,” and, of course, “the lovely actress that said she could no longer be friends with people like me who didn’t ‘get’ it,” but, as Schneider notes, is really great with kids.

Typically, a Catholic confession focuses on the sins of the individual, but, with his 1.6 million Twitter followers serving as the perplexed priest on the other side of the booth, Schneider took on a more Southern Baptist approach to addressing the sins of his many lefty oppressors — all that was missing was a shit-eating “Bless your heart, I’ll pray for you.”