18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 16, 2023

18 George Carlin on Hemorrhoids

“Why are hemorrhoids called ‘hemorrhoids’ instead of ‘ass-teroids’?”

17 Dave Chappelle on Donald Trump’s Top Secret Document Scandal

“Why he got all them documents at his house? What is this? This is a guy that’s famous for not reading his press briefings. Now, all of a sudden, he got 10,000 documents at his house — gonna catch up on his reading list. I have been fired from jobs many times in my life, and I will be very honest with you, sometimes, when I was fired, I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. But you know what I never stole from work? Work.”

16 Jim Gaffigan on Popeyes Chicken

“My favorite type of fried chicken is Popeyes. I love that name. ‘Oh, I get it. Popeye was a sailor, and your food goes through me like a torpedo.’”

15 Ian Bagg on Yoga Pants

“In 2009, a man named Lulu Lemon came up with these pants for yoga, and not one of you ladies wore them to yoga since. Wear them to do anything but yoga.”

14 Greg Fitzsimmons on Los Angeles Tap Water

“They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants. So it’s nice to know that my son is going to grow up and someday have huge breasts, but it’s not really going to bother him that much.”

13 Bill Hicks on Bosses

“You know what I used to get from my boss? ‘Hicks, How come you’re not working?’

“I’d go, ‘There’s nothing to do.’

“He’d go, ‘Well, you pretend like you’re working.’

“And I’d go, ‘Why don’t you pretend like I’m working. You get paid more than me, you fantasize. Shit, pretend I’m mopping. I’ll pretend they’re buying shit, we’ll close up! I’m the boss, now you’re fired! How’s that for a fantasy, sir? I’m on a roll!’”

12 Bill Burr on Robots

“I saw a robot being interviewed on 60 Minutes. The reporter is asking questions, and at the end, he goes, ‘So tell us, what are your goals?’ And I’m alone in a hotel room, and I literally lean toward the TV, and I’m like, ‘Did these fucking things have goals?!?!’”

11 Kathleen Madigan on Bowling

“I bowled for two years in college because I was drunk and needed shoes.”

10 Erik Myers on his Christian AA Meeting

“My first AA meeting was a Christian AA meeting. At the end of it, this guy comes out, and he’s serving wine. I turn to my sponsor Steve and I’m like, ‘Dude, what the fuck is going on?’ And he’s like, ‘Erik, it’s cool; once they bless the wine, it transforms into the blood of Christ.’ I’m like no shit. Can they bless this bag of cocaine? ‘Officer, this is the dandruff of the Lord!’”

9 Mitch Hedberg on Patience

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.’”

8 George Wallace on Tacos

“Stop callin’ tacos soft. You don’t know what they’ve been through. Some tacos possess amazin’ inner strength.”

7 Doug Stanhope on the Afterlife

“Proof of the afterlife is this: If there were no afterlife, how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the SkyMall catalog on her credit card four days after she passed from this Earth?”

6 Patton Oswalt on KFC’s Mega Leg

“The MegaLeg. It’s a giant chicken leg — that’s it! That’s the whole twist! It’s a chicken leg the size of a turkey leg. And the girl in the commercial asked one of the KFC counter people, ‘Are chicken legs supposed to be that big?’ And he said, ‘No, they’re not! We found a way—’ 

“‘We found a way’ equals ‘something went horribly wrong in an underground lab. We couldn’t get the blast doors closed in time. This thing chewed its way to the surface.’”

5 Conan O’Brien on Thanksgiving

“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews, and my bottle of Jack Daniels.”

4 Wendy Liebman on Social Media

“Facebook is grown-up ‘Show-n-Tell.’”

3 Chloé Hilliard on Student Debt

“Kamala Harris came up with this new idea for debt forgiveness for student loan debt. But it’s so hard, and it’s so complicated. You gotta fill out paperwork. You got to start a business in an underprivileged, underserved neighborhood. That’s work! First of all, that’s how we got student debt in the first place: signing shit we didn’t read.”

2 Brian Regan on Cooking Pop-Tarts

“I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box, and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one step. You think it would be, ‘Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ’em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?’”

1 Roy Wood Jr. on Bad Dates

“You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?”