As Tom DeLonge once said, “Work sucks, I know.” Especially in a crushing economy such as this one, and with the general wholesale destruction of the middle class, finding rewarding work that pays decently can be difficult, if not impossible. I’ve bussed enough half-finished seafood dinners, mopped up enough fumbled egg cartons, and picked up enough less-than-solid dog poop to commiserate. It also doesn’t help that the retirement carrot that used to hang at the end of the stick will most likely be gone by the time anyone from our generation gets there. The days of the gold watch and the hearty farewell party are long gone. You might think to yourself, things surely can’t be this bleak, can they?

Anyway, reddit user u/MrVein00 is struggling with this precise problem. They’re having a difficult time adjusting to the workforce. They lament the jobs available to them and that even full-time jobs don’t enable any life beyond paycheck-to-paycheck. They also regret not going to college, but I can at least offer this small respite: you’re not saddled with crushing student debt as a result of a degree that probably wouldn’t help that much anyways!

Reddit

I do hate to see anyone suffer, however, so I have 5 tips for enduring the daily grind:

Have A Rich Dad

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This is probably the number one thing I would recommend. If your parents are well-off, you might not need to work at all! Then you can just make up a full time job, like influencer, or entrepreneur, or horse breeder. Even if you do have to get a job, you can rest easy knowing that you can do the absolute bare minimum because you always have a safety net. Plus, though you may be working a soul-crushing job, you can at least spend your non-work hours living wildly outside your means. You know what helps a bad job go down easier? Going home to a beautiful, roommate-less apartment that you don’t even know the precise rent of!

Die Inside

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If you don’t have rich parents, you may have to go the most common route: to let your soul wither and die like a worm on hot pavement. You see, to feel useless and helpless first requires you to FEEL anything at all. If you take that away, now you can just sort of float through life with only a dull, baseline level of existential pain. In a way, it’s almost monastic! Instead of pledging your life to the simple pursuit of harmony and inner peace, you simply center your mind around slightly increasing a multinational corporation’s bottom line. Like a rock on a beach, the relentless crash of the surf will slowly smooth you until you simply become part of a whole, and you’ll be excited about things like making employee of the month, or a new episode of a CBS sitcom.

Have A Rich Mom

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Again, I can’t emphasize this enough. If you read tip one, and realized, regrettably, that your dad is not rich, I would recommend asking yourself if your mom is rich. This is for all the same reasons as above. Even if they refuse to finance your lifestyle as a leisurely failson, you still might be able to hook yourself up with a made-up job tailored for you. You see, just based on the mental and emotional belief that as someone created by your parents’ coitus, you have inherited every positive trait of both like some sort of productivity supersoldier, they will naturally think you are the most qualified applicant for any job. This is called nepotism, and it’s sweeter than pure Vermont maple syrup. Pretty soon you’ll be sitting in a corner office, scrolling Raya and playing with a Newton’s cradle and waiting for your parents to tell you to meet a new investor at a dinner.

Receive A Glancing Blow From A Mail Truck

Pixabay

Now, there are some problems with all previously recommended solutions. They each require either something that you have zero control over, or they require you to forsake the very humanity that is the gift given you by your inclusion into this modern world. You may want something more actionable and urgent. Considering those criteria, there are some other options. One of those is an offer of an exchange, one that you won’t even need to bury dog bones at a crossroads, or converse with the Prince of Lies for! This is the exchange of the freedom of your body for the freedom of your mind. Sounds cool, right? Like something out of a fantasy videogame!

Now, what you’re going to need to do is track down the route of a city-owned vehicle, like a mail truck, or a garbage truck, basically, some sort of truck that the government is legally responsible for. Then, you’re going to have to mentally prepare to get hit by it, and perhaps do some medical research on physical trauma from car accidents. Then, wait for that ol’ truck to trundle down the road, and stroll out until you’re just barely in front of it. KABLAMMO! Now the city’s paying you disability for life, plus, you can rock a tricked out cane with some sort of jewel embedded in the top with all that government cheese!

LEGAL NOTE: Do not do the above. Getting hit by a government vehicle is a bad idea and also fraud, I think.

Become A Hermit

Public Domain

Now, some furious, depressed boomers might be telling you “that’s the way this country works, if you don’t like it, leave!” They’re right, that, unfortunately, that is mostly how this country works. So let’s look at the second option: leave! Now, you could do that, but immigration is complicated, and most other countries also require full-time work, even if that work results in a much healthier work-life balance.

However, there is one place where the rules of society don’t apply: the woods! If you’re confident in your hunting and trapping ability, simply drop off the grid entirely. Pack a bindle and travel into a remote area in your preferred mountain range. Live off the land! Grow or kill your own food, learn to whittle, forget what the idea of deodorant is. Now the only person telling you what to do is Mother Earth, and by extension, grizzly bears. Plus, if you’re creepy enough, you might have a chance to become a local legend or a borderline cryptid! Even if you ever are flushed out of your hidden cabin, you’ll more than likely have a magazine profile written about you, which you can parlay into a book deal if you still remember how to read and write. Hot dog!

Top Image: Pexels/Reddit

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