18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 12, 2023

18 George Carlin on ADD

“When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country, there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.”

17 Michael Che on Joe Biden

“President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, ‘I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.’”

16 Norm Macdonald on Steampunk

“I wouldn’t call myself a fan of steampunk, but I will admit it’s the healthiest way to prepare punk.”

15 K-Von on H&M Clothing

“That’s why it’s called H&M. Put them on, and you’re like, ‘Hmmmm…’”

14 Richard Jeni on Chicago

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”

13 Paul F. Tompkins on Parents

“Let’s say you know 100 percent beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”

12 Wendy Liebman on Class Reunions

“I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.”

11 Jerry Seinfeld on Beer Ads

“I like how the coldness thing drives the beer people crazy. The commercials are always, ‘Frost brewed. Cold filtered. Ice bottled. We pack it in a glacier, then put it on a frozen truck driven by a polar bear.’ We’re not transplanting a kidney. You’re just trying to get drunk. Relax, it’s going to work.”

10 Bill Hicks on Motivation

“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”

9 Ron White on Cigars

“I’ve got a great cigar collection — it’s actually not a collection because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ‘em.”

8 Tom Papa on Apartments

“I’m thinking of getting a dog. My parents said to me the other day, ‘Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.’ Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.”

7 Bruce Jingles on Weed

“‘You know marijuana affects the memory.’ That’s bullshit; I never forget to smoke.”

6 Laurie Kilmartin on Sex

“My favorite part of sex is when a guy has an orgasm. Because that’s the only time a man is completely defenseless. If there was an earthquake during a guy’s orgasm, he couldn’t even save his own life. That’s why men and women never climax together; one of us has to be alert so we can pull our partner to a doorway where they can ejaculate in safety.”

5 Bo Burnham on Gimmicks

“I can do comedy without stupid gimmicks or anything, and it can still work. So this is for all those comics out there and judge this: What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names! (throws glitter)”

4 Jen Kirkman on Generations

“Gen X wasn’t filled with slackers, but they called us slackers because we didn’t worship money the same way they did. It was a mean thing, and we didn’t actually slack off when it came to important social justice issues. But someone young said to me, ‘Well, prove it!’ I’m like, ‘I can’t. I didn’t have Instagram, so I can’t show you my account from back then.’ And he was like, ‘You must’ve had pictures.’ 

“‘No, you’re not understanding. In the 1990s, if you had a camera, you were a photographer. Nobody had a camera. It was a giant thing you had to wear around your neck, and it looked dorky. And if you showed up at a party, ‘Hey, everyone, I got my camera!’ they’d be like, ‘Go away, you narc! This is a party! We don’t take pictures of what we’re doing! We don’t want any evidence of this. Go!’”

3 George Wallace on Jets

“You only hear about fighter jets. Shout out to all the lover jets out there, havin’ tender, intimate relations instead of blowin’ shit up and whatnot.”

2 Chloé Hilliard on Student Debt

“I graduated 20 years ago, and I still have student loan debt. And my thing is like, I don’t ever want to pay it off. That’s my FU to college. I hope this Earth burns down before I get a zero balance on my student loans. I want to see an asteroid coming. I’ll be like, ‘FUCK YOU, BURSAR’S OFFICE!’ I’m never paying that debt off to the last dime. I want the balance on my tombstone.”

1 Eugene Mirman on Billboards

“There’s this billboard in my neighborhood that said, ‘Don’t leave a baby anywhere.’ Which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street, but it made me want to make my own obvious billboards, so I have:

• “‘Don’t crap in an envelope and mail it to yourself.’
• “‘Try not to wake up on fire.’
• “‘Don’t throw a baby at anything. Even a burglar!’
• “‘Do not threaten to steal a cop’s penis.’
• “‘If you start a band, don’t call it ‘Huey Lewis and the News.’ There is already a band with that name.’”