15 of the All-Time Funniest One-Liners

‘I don’t think I could stab somebody ‘cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun’
15 of the All-Time Funniest One-Liners

“Take my wife… please.” 

Whether you see that joke as “comedy history,” “dated” or “hack,” you’re right. But it’s also a storied one-liner. One-liners, a gag that doesn’t need to overstate its premise, are jokes in their purest form, with nothing but a quick sentence or two instantly unlocking a laugh, like a verbal drive-by. Those specializing in one-liners are some of the hardest-working comedians around, tirelessly writing and editing to reduce jokes into perfectly compact comedy.

Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.

Few one-liners, though, are funnier — and punchier — than the ones below…

Richard Lewis on Judaism

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”

Billy Connolly on What Keeps Him Up at Night

“I worry about ridiculous things: ‘How does a guy who drives a snowplow get to work in the morning?’ That can keep me awake for days.”

Mitch Hedberg on Protests

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

Rita Rudner on Eligible Men

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

Mark Normand on American Symbols

“The hot dog is the perfect symbol for America — it’s enjoyable, but the more you look into how it was made, the less you wanna know.”

Wendy Liebman on Childhood

“Most of my childhood is a big blur, ‘cause I needed better glasses.”

Anthony Jeselnik on His Family Tree

“I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

Emo Philips on Telekinesis

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

Daniel Tosh on His Capacity for Violence

“I don’t think I could stab somebody ‘cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.”

Steven Wright on Minimalism

“You can’t have everything; where would you put it?”

Demetri Martin on Blind Literacy

“I wonder what the word for ‘dots’ looks like in Braille.”

Zach Galifianakis on Highways

“At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”

Jimmy Carr on Charity Gigs

“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’”

Norm Macdonald on Seeing His Parents Make Love

“I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.”

Rodney Dangerfield on His Appearance

“My mom took me to a dog show, and I won!”

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?