‘Coming for You Next, Hot Wheels’: Twitter Fires Back at Ted Cruz for Declaring War on ‘Barbie’

In Ted Cruz’ defense, his dad probably taught him that “Ken” is short for “Kennedy.”

While the state of Texas faces record heat waves and allegations of brutal abuse at migrant centers, their junior senator, Ted “Zodiac” Cruz, is on Fox News fighting the battle most dire and desperate to his constituency — the War on Barbie. According to Cruz, this weekend’s highly anticipated anthropomorphized doll movie represents an attack on not just American ideals, but on half of East Asia. Cruz claims that, in a screenshot from Barbie showing a crude, crayon drawing of a world map, Warner Bros. is implying Chinese ownership over the hotly contested South China Sea and the smattering of islands within it.

Cruz is not the first to cry foul over a literal crayon drawing in a literal children’s film — Vietnam banned the Barbie movie over the offense — but he is the unintentionally funniest person Fox News could have chosen to appear on national television and cry about the number of dash marks jutting out of a crude drawing in the shape of Alabama with the word “Asia” splattered across it. And, as is tradition, Twitter has taken note and chosen sides in the war — Barbietopia will not go down without a fight.