Cartman Songs From ‘South Park’ That Still Seriously Slap
Eric Cartman is a jolly little child who spends his days singing about everything — from his favorite Mexican restaurant to no longer being the poorest kid in “skewl” to how much he loves his friends (that was a mirror universe version of Cartman, but still). There’s something about Cartman’s singing voice that can render any song, from “9 to 5” to “In the Ghetto,” inherently hilarious, but some of his performances have gone further than that and achieved levels of musical transcendence most serious musical artists would kill for...
‘I Love to Singa’
While this is only a Cartman song in the most technical sense, we had to give a shout-out to the classic tune (originally from a 1936 Merrie Melodies cartoon of the same name) that introduced the character’s musical aspect, albeit unwittingly since he was being controlled by aliens via an anal probe. Wait, are Cartman’s musical inclinations the consequence of decades-long alien programming? That would explain so much.
‘Jesus, Baby’
Out of all the songs Cartman wrote about carnally loving Jesus for his Christian rock band Faith + 1, “Jesus, Baby” is the only one we could imagine being sung by a stadium full of fans/worshippers. It’s such a perfect rock ballad melody; it’s certainly more catchy than anything Creed ever did, probably because they don’t have access to Toke— sorry, Tolkien's bass-playing talent.
‘Poker Face’
Cartman covering Lady Gaga works way better than logic, common sense and everything science knows about the universe says it should. In fact, the comments for the full-length version (which was added to Rock Band as downloadable content) are full of people saying they prefer this cover or expressing shock that Gaga stole Cartman’s song. All due to respect to her, but 500 years in the future, this is the only version humankind will remember.
‘Third Grade Memories’
In Season Four, the boys advance to fourth grade (where they’ve been stuck ever since), and Cartman marks the occasion by singing a heartfelt number about the magical good times they had when they were young and innocent a few months earlier. In a way, he’s also mourning the carefree absurdity of the early seasons, before Matt Stone and Trey Parker realized people actually give a crap about what they have to say about “the issues.” Let it out, Clyde. Let it all out.
‘Give Life a Try (Eric, We Don’t Want You to Die)’
With this powerful anthem, Cartman proves that he does care about one important issue: Suicide prevention. Specifically, his suicide. Even though he’s not depressed or anything. But still, he wants people to know that this issue is, at the very least, more important than that stupid “distracted driving” thing. Cartman is still alive, so it looks like the campaign was a rousing success.
‘I Swear’
In an attempt to sabotage Kyle’s new relationship for predictably Cartman-ish (racist) reasons, Cartman broadcasts himself over the “Megatron” screen at a basketball game to profess his love for Kyle via this song (made famous by the 1990s boy band All-4-One). Cartman may be obnoxious, sociopathic, and again, pretty racist... but damn, he sure can belt out a love song.
‘O Holy Night’
Despite the fact that Cartman isn’t totally clear on the lyrics to this Christmas classic (not even when motivated to remember them via a cattle prod), his rendition is still surprisingly moving. Besides, the important part is that he’s able to convey the spirit of the song and Christmas itself: Presents. Yeah.
‘Heat of the Moment’
When Kenny becomes terminally ill, and stem-cell research seems to be the only way to save him, Cartman is able to convince Congress to make it legal by leading a sing-a-long of Asia’s 1982 hit, “Heat of the Moment.” This has to be one of the most emotional moments in the entire series, even if Kenny ended up dying anyway, and Cartman used those stem cells to get free pizza.
‘Kyle’s Mom...’
When South Park got its first (and, for some reason, only) theatrical movie in 1999, it contained all the elements that made the show famous, like Kenny dying, Terrance and Phillip, “Kick the Baby,” Kenny dying again and, of course, the song “Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch.” This lively, polka-inspired number debuted in the Season One episode “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” and has resurfaced in various forms over the years, from a rap version featuring Kid Rock…
…to an orchestral arrangement made to celebrate the show’s 25th anniversary in 2022.
Who knows, maybe if Parker and Stone had submitted this song to the Oscars instead of “Blame Canada,” they wouldn’t have lost to Phil Collins. If nothing else, we would have gotten to hear Robin Williams calling Kyle’s mom a bitch 56 times on live television.
Follow Maxwell Yezpitelok's heroic effort to read and comment on every '90s Superman comic at Superman86to99.tumblr.com.
