12 Fortune Feimster Jokes for the Hall of Fame

12 On Yoga

“I was almost late catching my plane, ‘cause I was teaching a yoga class. You’re right, I didn’t teach a yoga class. I went to one, obviously. It was pretty awesome, though, 'cause the yoga teacher let me do the modified version of everything. The class would do downward dog, and she’d let me eat raviolis. They’d do a child’s pose, and she’d let me take a nap in the corner. I love yoga. Namaste.”

11 On Recess in the 1980s

10 On Coming Out

“After this huge self-discovery, I had to catch everyone else up in my life. It’s a nerve-racking conversation, so I decided to start with my brothers. I go home, and I’m so nervous. I’m like, ‘Guys, I’ve got to tell you something: I’m gay.’ And my brothers go, ‘Duh.’

“Cool, cool, cool. Well, thanks for telling me that. I said, ‘Just out of curiosity, what made you think I was gay this whole time?’ 

“One of my brothers goes, ‘Once when you were seven, you got hit with a soccer ball and you yelled, ‘Ow, my dick!’ 

“Clearly, I was very confused.”

9 On the Benefits of Being a Big Kid

“Some people, if they were a big kid, look back on their childhood like, ‘It was so hard. People would bully me.’ But I was like, ‘No, it was awesome!’ I loved being a big kid — because no one ever tried to kidnap me. And I would have been a perfect candidate to get kidnapped. I loved candy. I would have literally done anything for a Snickers bar. I loved rides in white vans. Who needs windows? Not me! But no one ever tried. It turns out kidnappers have a type — and it’s not little girls that look like the fat kid from Bad Santa.”

8 On Swingers

“If you want to let people know that you’re a swinger, you can put flamingos in your front yard. It gets very confusing in Florida — and at my mom’s house. Maybe that’s why she’s been busy on the weekends. I don’t quite understand it, though. Do people just drive around the neighborhoods looking for a flock of flamingos? They see it, they ring your doorbell and tell you they’re “down to clown.” There’s also an upside-down pineapple. You can put an upside-down pineapple on your front porch. Don’t put it right side up. That’s just a pineapple. I always assumed that an upside-down pineapple was letting people know that you like cake. So I’d stop and ring a stranger’s doorbell for cake.”

7 On Her Mom’s Boyfriend

“My mom is so supportive of gay people that her last boyfriend was gay. We don’t have proof, but I’m pretty sure. In the South, it’s hard to tell, because when an older gentleman has manners, you don’t know if he’s just being a gentleman or if he’s gay. It’s very confusing. But he met my mom, and as he told it, he was driving around the neighborhood admiring the ferns in people’s yards — because what straight man doesn’t love a nice potted plant? 

“They ended up getting together, and my favorite would be when they’d get into a fight. My mom would call me up like, ‘Hey, Richard and I got into a fight. We were at this yard sale and there was this purse I was eyeing the whole time, and he knew it. Did you know that when I went to buy it, he snatched it up and bought it for himself!’ 

“I was like, ‘Of course he did! He’s gay! That’s what gay guys doI You better be glad it wasn’t a Cher CD or he would have freakin’ shanked you!”

6 On Trying to Decypher a Troll’s Homophobic Comment

“So then, Gary said that we should be put in Alcatraz. Now, I don’t know if he doesn’t have Google, but Alcatraz hasn’t been a prison for a while. If that’s what he intended, it’s not a prison. It’s actually a museum, and it’s a museum in San Francisco, which is one of the gayest cities in the whole world. I’m like, ‘Is Gary telling me I should be in a gay museum? Gary, stop. Am I a trailblazer? Stop, Gary.’”

5 On Her Southern Grandma

“I miss my Southern grandma. Southern grandmas have one goal in life, and that’s to make you and your dog fat. When I was in middle school, every day she’d feed me fried chicken, biscuits, gravy and mashed potatoes — and that was just an afternoon snack! Whatever I didn’t eat, she fed to my dog. So, of course, I gained 50 pounds, and my dog looked like a giant baby seal. One day, my grandmother came to pick me up from school in her Chevy Caprice Classic — because we were pretty fancy — and she started to drive toward Kentucky Fried Chicken. This was it, I had to say no. But right as I was about to, I made eye contact with my dog, and all of a sudden his eyes said, ‘DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR ME!’”

4 On Getting a Bad Haircut While Living in Spain

3 On Texts from Her Mom

“This is an actual text that she sent to me, if you want any idea of how she can brighten your day: ‘Did you know Vanessa Tate? She lived on Poplar Street. I went to school with her mother Jan. We were in Junior League together back in the day. Her father died a few months ago and her mother last week. They were 65 and 61— I wonder what happened? Very sad. There’s snow in the air, and it’s 23 degrees. I feel sorry for the tornado survivors who are picking through the rubble of their homes in this. Have a great show! Love, mom.’ Now you know why I am like I am.”

2 On the Girl Scouts

“I eventually joined the Girl Scouts to get in on that cookie game they were running. My brothers, though, were in the Boy Scouts, which was way more intense. They would get dropped off on a mountaintop with an egg and a match, and their troop leader would be like, ‘We’ll see in three days. Bring back an elk.’ I was like, ‘Oh, Girl Scouts is hard too! Do you know how hard it is to sell something everybody wants?’"

1 On Her First — and Only — Straight Sexual Experience