Here Are All the Insane Things We’ll Do for Free Pizza

The answer to “What would you do for a year of free pizza?” should invariably be the follow-up question, “What kind of pizza?” 

But nope, new data indicates that our reply is an unwavering, “Whatever it takes.” Case in point: When the outdoor brand Gozney recently asked 1,500 “pizza lovers” this same question, 41 percent responded that they’d be willing to spend a night in jail in exchange for 365 days of free ‘za (sorry, but there had to be at least one “za” usage, and I thought it best to get it out of the way early).

Moreover, 83 percent of respondents said that they’d be willing to skip watching “the big game” (presumably the Super Bowl), and 75 percent vowed that they’d abandon social media for a month for the same reward. The infamous quote “Sex is like pizza — when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good,” didn’t hold up either: Sixty-four percent of participants said they’d surrender sex for a month for a year’s worth of free pizza; whereas 24 percent claimed they’d break up with their romantic partner. 

It’s worth noting that the findings are from a marketing survey and not a peer-reviewed journal, so it’s important to take them with a grain of salt (and maybe some parmesan and crushed red pepper). That said, other studies have demonstrated how free pizza can increase productivity in the workplace. 

Which is to say, dumping someone so you have more time to eat pepperoni pizza isn’t out-of-the-question: Sorry babe, but you deserve someone who looks at you the way that I look at free pizza.