The Filthiest and Most Sinful Kevin Sorbo Moments from His Non-Christian Films
If, like most people, you haven’t seen, heard or thought about Hercules: The Legendary Journeys actor Kevin Sorbo since the previous century, then you're unaware that he's now best known for starring in hilariously preachy Christian movies and being a crusader for conservative values on Twitter, where he’s also pretty chummy with other wholesome right-wing personalities like, uh, accused sex trafficker Andrew Tate. Sorbo is constantly outraged (or whatever the manly, non-liberal version of “outraged” is) about the depravity of the entertainment industry and the immoral filth it produces.
Unfortunately, some of that filth happen to star K-Sorbs himself, leading to moments like...
Molesting With His Wife’s Corpse Right Next to His Son’s
Before Sorbo realized there’s good money in making movies specifically designed to fill the deafening silence in your house when your kids won’t talk to you anymore, his career was in such a great spot that he landed the lead role in the ultra-low-budget 2011 comedy Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury. It’s presented as a “lost” 1990s movie that was never released because it was too offensive for the decade where even the blandest network sitcom contained 27 hate crimes against gay people per episode.
The movie follows a former pool cleaner who returns from Vietnam after 24 years (having spent at least 23 of those years banging sex workers in a traumatized haze) to find out that his job has been taken over by the Mexican mafia. The Mexicans then murder his wife and somehow-still-6-year-old child, prompting the character played by Patriot Mobile spokesman Kevin Sorbo to yell out “Nooooooo!” and grope, photograph and apparently have sex with his wife’s corpse.
Later, Sorbo’s neighbor tells him she used to lure his “little boy” to her house to have sex with him since “technically he was 24” (not sure the math works out there), so she offers to have sex with Sorbo, too. The character played by Turning Point USA speaker Kevin Sorbo nods approvingly at the technically-not-pedophilia but ultimately rejects her because he doesn’t “do sloppy seconds.“ He’s far too dignified for that. Anyway, one scene earlier, we learned that he sleeps while clutching a gun and with an inverted sex doll stuck to his crotch in the 69 position.
Playing a Mega-Promiscuous ‘Italian’ Ladies Man With a Shriveled Dick
Another strong contender for the clunkiest title on Sorbo‘s IMDb page is the Australian sex comedy Wog Boy 2: The Kings of Mykonos, in which we‘re supposed to believe the 52-year-old former TV star is an Italian sex god named Pierluigi who seduces up to 43 women per month. We don‘t actually see Sorbo doing it with 43 women (that would take up as much as four-and-a-half minutes of the running time), but it‘s bad enough that the trailer put the mental image in our heads.
But the theme of this movie is that no one is who they appear to be, and that applies to Pierluigi, too. It turns out he‘s not Italian; he‘s just from Jersey, which sounds like a plot twist the filmmakers felt they had to add when they heard Sorbo‘s Italian “accent.” Oh, and his legendary dick doesn‘t work. Pierluigi admits that his demi-god-esque looks are only possible because he uses steroids, and as a result, his dong has shriveled up “like a snail putting its head back in its shell.”
Just Being in a Movie Called ‘Bitch Slap’
Bitch Slap is another low-budget movie that aimed for “so bad, it’s good” and only achieved the first part. It’s about three women who team up to steal some diamonds but, like, in a sexy way. According to the producers, they reached out to Sorbo since they’d worked with him on Hercules, and upon reading the script, he accepted the part of the hunky 23-year-old police officer who helps the women. Once the producers were done laughing, they kindly explained to him that, no, they were offering him the part of the old mentor guy who appears for like a minute and then gets killed. He doesn’t make out with anyone in this movie, but at least he got to look at some sexy pics in a book titled Slutty Bitches in Post Feminist America.
Interestingly, Bitch Slap also features cameos by Xena: Warrior Princess stars Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor, who play nuns in one of the characters’ sexy lesbian nun backstory. There’s a good chance Sorbo also volunteered to play a priest who walks by with a boner or something, but they told him to please stop coming to the set uninvited. (Note: NSFW nun sounds in the clip below.)
This is, to date, the only Kevin Sorbo movie that features a nun in leather underwear flipping off the camera and slapping her ass inside a church, and barring any dramatic developments in the God’s Not Dead franchise, it will probably remain so forever.
‘Meet the Spartans’ — The Whole Thing
This movie qualifies as an unforgivable sin under any religion, belief system or lack thereof. Meet the Spartans stretched the “kicking celebrities into the pit of death” gag for nearly four minutes — in a just world, those responsible would be banned from filmmaking. Note that this movie came out in 2008, by which point American Idol and “Britney Spears shaved her head LOL” jokes were already more dated than anything scribbled on the ruins of the real Sparta.
Ironically, Meet the Spartans might be the one that most closely reflects Sorbo’s worldview. Yes, he kisses a dude, performs elaborate dance numbers and prances around effeminately, but the whole point of those scenes is that these are things Real Men™ shouldn’t do. During interviews, he made sure everyone knew the kiss was a “short clasp,” and that it happened very quickly to prevent possible cross contamigaytion.
Still, it looks like Sorbo was proud of the end result since he also made sure to spell out the “C-U-M” in his fellow cast member’s invitation to “cum to Meet the Spartans” (at 3:42 above). Presumably, he asked for his new movie to be called Rise of the Antichrist and not Coming of the Antichrist to avoid confusion on that front.
Thumbnail: 20th Century Studios