Kathryn Hahn Confesses Her Amish Fetish

As she explained to Jimmy Kimmel, she’s always wanted a luddite lover
Kathryn Hahn Confesses Her Amish Fetish

It’s an old-world tragedy that Amish men may never learn that they once had a shot with Kathryn Hahn.

Last night, Agatha Harkness herself stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! to promote Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery. During the conversation, the mesmerizing actress and comedian let it slip that, in her youth, she harbored a deep, passionate and forbidden love for the young men of the Ohio Amish communities near her hometown of Cleveland Heights. Sadly for all involved, this attraction was only ever one-sided — the Pony Express lost her love letters.

“Do you remember that movie Witness?” Hahn asked of her host, “I was like reverse-Witness. I was like Harrison Ford. I loved an Amish boy.” She, of course, was referencing the 1985 film in which Detective Harrison Ford hides out in an Amish community while he uncovers a criminal conspiracy in his police department and crushes a guy in a grainary with a thousand pounds of corn.

“I loved all the Amish boys. … I just wanted to be on a farm with horses. I wanted to be in a freakin’ silo with an Amish boy,” she continued. “I think it was the slow way of life. I just loved Little House on the Prairie. … There was just a blessed slowness to the whole thing. Also, I love a pie.”

Sadly for Hahn, there were no takers among the notoriously chaste community, and her silo fantasy went unfulfilled. The Amish have never seen Little House on the Prairie, nor would they be familiar with Hahn or her work on Parks and Recreation or WandaVision. Her primitive potential companions will never enjoy her performance in Glass Onion either, nor will they be able to stream Agatha: Coven of Chaos. Hahn will likely never have her Amish affair — her love will always be more forbidden to them than zippers.

That said, Hahn could always just visit a brewery in Brooklyn or a farm-to-table restaurant in Portland if she’s still looking to scratch the itch — there is certainly no shortage of bearded men in suspenders.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?