15 Joan Rivers Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.”
15 Joan Rivers Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

Joan Rivers was an absolute legend in comedy. Over a 55-year career, she was a trailblazer for female comics. She was the first woman to guest-host on The Tonight Show, at the behest of her comedy mentor, Johnny Carson. Then in 1986, she became the first woman to host her own late night talk show, a career move that pissed off Carson so much that she was banned from appearing on The Tonight Show until Jimmy Fallon lifted the ban 28 years later. But did she let any of that slow her down? Hell, no!

That was just how Joan Rivers operated: She never slowed down and didn’t give a damn what anyone had to say about her… Because she could dish it out just as hard, if not harder, than she could take it. Her self-deprecating comedy was just as brutal as the burns she unleashed on the red carpet or on Fashion Police. So, to honor this legend, here are fifteen jokes we feel embody her spirit for the Hall of Fame. 

Joan on Her Wedding Ceremony

“When the rabbi said, ‘Do you take this man,’ 14 guys said, ‘She has.’ 

My husband bought the horseback-riding story, thank God.”

Joan on Parenting

“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'”

Pixabay - Sanjasy

Joan on the Joys of Getting Older

“We all go through the same thing. At 40, you begin to lose your eyesight. At 50, the memory starts to go. At 60 you start to fart. You just fart, fart, fart. And at 70, you lose your sense of smell. So between 60 and 70 is a terrible time. My daughter Melissa will not get in the car with me unless she puts a canary in first.”

Joan’s Relationship Advice

“Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.”

Joan on Her Self-Image

“I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.”

Joan on Prince William Getting Engaged, 2010

Wikimedia Commons - Paul Townley

“She got Princess Diana's ring. Would you give your mother's ring to your woman? ‘Darling, I love you very much. I want you to have my mother's engagement ring. My mother and father hated each other from the very beginning. They both f–ked everybody else they could find in sight. They say my brother doesn't belong to my father. My mother threw herself down the stairs and they killed her in Paris. Good luck!’

Even as a Jew I wouldn't take that ring! I would take it, but I would make a bracelet.”

One of Joan’s Trademark Fashion Zingers

“The nice thing about this hat is that it covers up the head wound that made her think it was a good idea to wear it in the first place.”

Joan on Her Childhood

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

Pixabay - 849356

Joan on Michael Jackson

“The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight year olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?”

Joan on her Childhood, Part 2

“All I ever heard when I was a kid was, ‘Why can’t you be more like your cousin Sheila?’ 

And Sheila had died at birth.”

Joan on Her Husband’s Real-Life Suicide

“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.”

Joan on Dating Older Men

“The only good thing about older dating is there are no one-night stands. Just to get the old guy out of the car, into the house, up the stairs, on you, off of you, re-diapered, back in the car-four days! Four days! It’s a relationship!”

Joan on Her Self-Image, Part 2

“I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'”

Joan on Porn

“I saw my first porno film recently. It was a Jewish porno film — one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.”

Joan on Plastic Surgery

Wikimedia Commons - Holiday Inn

“My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”

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