15 Jim Gaffigan Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

15 Jim on Saunas

“Some people relax in a hot sauna, and sure, who doesn't love recreating the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano? I don't understand the appeal of a sauna. Here's every experience I've had in a sauna: I'm like, ‘Okay, I'm going to get a sweat going. It's going to be really good for me. Here we go-it's time to get out. I don't want to overdo it.’

What is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box next to a pile of smoldering rocks? I always look at the rocks like, “Whoever's cooking the rocks, they're done! That's a wrap on the rock cooking!’

And to make the sauna more enjoyable, you're always seated next to a naked 80 year-old man. Oh good, I get to sweat next to someone's grandpa who's only wearing a hand towel. The nudity in the sauna seems unnecessary. This isn't Rome. I just look around the sauna like, ‘Wow. So this is why we wear clothes, huh?’”

14 Jim on Having Five Kids

“I love having five kids. I travel with them because I don't want to be away from them, and also I enjoy the look on wait staff's faces when I walk in with my family. Because my kids are five, six, eight, eleven, and thirteen. And we walked into a restaurant in Dallas and I saw a waitress look at me and my family… and quit her job. I mean she could have been getting off her shift. I just saw her look at us, throw down her apron and storm off… and I felt like we won.”

13 Jim on Vacations

“Last summer we did our first big family vacation. Well, I should clarify, we went to Disney. Now, if you haven't been to Disney as an adult, just imagine you're standing in line at the DMV, and that's it. Actually, it was Orlando in July, so it was kind of like standing in line on the surface of the sun.

Why would we do this to ourselves? Remember when you were a kid, you'd go on vacation, you'd be like, ‘Why is dad always in a bad mood?’

Now I understand. ‘How can I spend an enormous amount of money, be uncomfortable, and listen to my children complain and whine? Disney! Oh, good!’”

12 Jim on Home Births

“My wife had the baby at home. We had all our babies at home, just to make you feel uncomfortable. People don't want to hear about home birth. They're like, ‘Oh, you had your baby at home? ’Yeah, we were gonna do that, but we wanted our baby to live.’

People always assume there was some laziness involved. ‘You didn't want to go to the hospital?’

It was far. I didn't feel like putting on pants. We had our baby at home, not in a field.

‘At home? Well, why wouldn't you have it in that germ infested building where sick people congregate? Didn't your wife want to give birth in a gown someone died in yesterday?’ 

It was all my wife's idea. I don't even like cooking at home, you know? There was so much screaming at one point, I actually woke up. ‘What, did someone score a touchdown? Oh, you're having another baby. Can you keep it down? I'm trying to get a tight 12 hours in.’”

11 Jim on Vegetarians

“I like meat, I do. But you know who seems to be really obsessed with meat? Vegetarians. For people that don't like meat, they seem to eat a lot of vegetables that are mashed up and shaped to look like meat. ‘I find meat repulsive. I'll have a veggie burger with fake bacon. And can you serve it to me dressed like a cow?’

‘I don't like meat. I just like to call meat late at night and hang up. Let's drive by meat's house. Does meat ever ask about me? I don't care.’

You never see that the other way. I will have the steak, and can you make it taste like tofu?’”

10 Jim on His Wife’s Brain Tumor

“I don't know if you know in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor. I'm not even making this up. It was removed, she's great, everything's good. I didn’t remove it. I was in the other room soiling myself. But the tumor is gone, along with my ability to ever win another argument. It’s not like I was winning a lot before, but now I'm retired. And luckily my wife's not the type to bring it up-Well, once she did. She was like, ‘You know, I did have brain surgery…’

And I couldn't be like, ‘Yeah, that was like a month ago. It's time to move on, you know. What about my seasonal allergies? We all have our cross to bear.’”

9 Jim on Food Network

“I even enjoy watching people make food. But have you ever noticed the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like, ‘This is stupid…’ 

But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like, ‘Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!’ 

It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network…’What are you watching?’

‘Uh, the Food Network…’

‘Well, why are you pants off?’

‘I like food...a lot.’"

8 Jim on Dateline

“I watch a lot of Dateline. I don't wanna brag. If you're unfamiliar or you have a life, Dateline is a news magazine show like 60 Minutes. But at one point, Dateline just went all in on murder. And it's usually spousal murder. Like, if you watch Dateline, it appears most marriages end in murder. Every episode starts the same. ‘They had the perfect marriage…’ 

But you know someone's getting killed. A husband, a wife… Sometimes they'll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. You took a vow, do it yourself! Anyway, I was watching this one episode of Dateline about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watching with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn't care. I mean, she wasn't thrilled I was taking notes. ‘What are you writing down?’

‘This guy's just sloppy. It's like he's trying to get caught.’”

7 Jim, Pre-Marriage

“I am single. I don't drink. It's kinda hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, Yeah, I’ll have a glass of water, and… You want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of them?’

When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, “You don't drink? Why?’

This never happens with anything else. ‘You don't use mayonnaise? Why, are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use it? I can go outside…’”

6 Jim on Bodybuilding

“I know I would never achieve the title of Mr. Universe, which is the highest accolade you can receive in bodybuilding. Really, Mr. Universe? Shouldn't we've consulted other planets about this? We have the audacity to decide who Mr. Universe is, and we pick someone who probably can't name the planets in our solar system. Think about it this way. The President of the United States is selected by an Electoral College based on popular vote. The Secretary General of the United Nations is chosen by a community of countries. Mr. Universe, five Italian guys from Long Island. That sell exercise equipment.”

5 Jim on Mexican Food

“My favorite food is Mexican food. I used to be a waiter in a Mexican restaurant in Indiana. and that's where you go for Mexican. Mexican food’s great, but it's essentially all the same ingredients, so as a waiter I'd have to deal with these stupid questions, like ‘What is nachos?’ ‘It’s tortilla chips with cheese, meat, or vegetables.’

Uh huh… what is a burrito?

‘Tortilla with cheese, meat, or vegetable.’

‘Then what is a tostada?’

‘Tortilla with cheese. Meat, or veg-it's all the same! You say a Spanish word and I'll bring you something!”

4 Jim on Catholicism

“I don't know much about the Bible myself. I haven't read it, because I don't have to… because I'm Catholic. Not a lot of catholics have read the Bible. It's a different perspective on rules for Catholics. Not like other religions, you know? Hindus are not supposed to eat meat. They don't eat meat. Catholics are like, ‘Only eat fish on Fridays… Unless you forget, or do what the hell you want. We'll see you at Easter.’”

3 Jim on Baths

“You guys are nice. I should have showered. I'm sure most of you shower, yeah? There's probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath. How much free time do you have on your hands? What are you taking a break from, ruling ancient Egypt? ‘I don't have anything to do… And I'll never have anything to do… So, I'll just sit in a pool of my own filth. Ohh luxury… I should probably take a shower after this bath, huh?’

I have taken a bath. It always seems like it's going to be relaxing, you're like, ‘Ah… This is so boring! No wonder people kill themselves in these things, huh?’

Don't worry. No one here has killed themselves in a bath.”

2 Jim on Beautiful People

“Beauty definitely affects you. Have you ever hung around one beautiful person? It almost makes you feel better. But if you hang around three, you're like, ‘I don't think God even tried on me.’

But it goes the other way, too. You ever hang around three unattractive people? You're like, ‘I'm a stud! I'm gonna go and do an underwear ad.’”

1 Jim on Dogs and Cats

“I wish I was a dog. Dogs are always in a good mood. They're like, ‘What is that, throw up? I'll eat it. I don't care, I'm just happy to be here.’

Dogs are happy to be anywhere. You ever see a homeless guy with a dog? The dog's like, ‘This isn't that bad. I was begging for food anyway, I mean…’

But we're more like cats, right? But we can't even be like a cat, because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object and we'd be like, ‘That's adorable.’ 

But if I scratch myself on a mannequin at Victoria's Secret, they call security.”