Ranking Blue Characters By How Much Skin They Show
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever and Avatar: The Way of Water are a reminder of Hollywood's ongoing love affair with big, blue motherf***ers. What is it about blue people that fascinates the film industry so? Is it the royal connotations the color holds in our collective memory? Or its association with vast, open seas full of mystery and possibility? Or is it because having a blue character is, for some reason, a license to make actors perform without clothes?
Yeah, it's the nudity thing. Forget about the other crap. With that in mind, here's a ranking of blue characters based on how good they are at nudism:
Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Is there a more heartbreaking moment in a gamer's life than the day you found out "hedgehogs" are real animals and not magical creatures with smooth blue skin like Sega's graphics led us to believe? Sonic is dead last in this list because, although he's "blue," he has never actually shown his skin. For all we know, he's pink under there, like some sort of freakish monkey off-shoot.
Gotta go fast ... into the next entry, so we can stop looking at this godless atrocity.
Diva Plavalaguna (The Fifth Element)
We'll be honest: we were originally going to place the naked blue singing lady from The Fifth Element much higher, but then we rewatched the scene and remembered that, oh right, she's not actually naked: she's wearing a skin-colored suit. Are those even her real head tentacles up there, or did she make them with leftover fabric from the suit?
Is it possible for a blue person to be guilty of blue people cultural appropriation? Off with you, pretender.
Abe Sapien (Hellboy)
Abe Sapien is the perfect demonstration of the blue character phenomenon: in a movie with a red dude and a blue dude, the former spends most of the time covered in the same amount of layers as the average heavy metal concertgoer while the former has no qualms about parading around shirtless. "Shirtless," however, is not "naked," and Abe's reverse scuba suit does cover entirely too much of his azure complexion for a lot of the running time, so we have no choice but to rank him at #8.
The Talokan People (Black Panther: Wakanda Forever)
Talokan culture has seemingly made it illegal not to show at least 20% of your belly and 100% of your calves. We'd rank Marvel's underwater Mayans higher if it wasn't for the fact that (dramatic spoilers for Wakanda Forever ahead) they're not actually blue: their skin looks pretty normal and boring underwater. Apparently, they turn blue when they're asphyxiating up on the surface. And that's why we have no choice but to rank them below those majestic blue warriors who brought 3D films into the mainstream ...
The Smurfs (The Smurfs)
And we're officially in "don't give a #$%&@" territory (yes, "#$%&@" means "Smurf"). With few exceptions, Smurfs are allergic to shirts. They do wear pants, but only to cover the hideously deformed tumors they call "feet." In fact, Smurfs are so averse to clothing that they all cut holes on the back of their pants to let their tail poke through -- please imagine what it would look like if humans did the same thing with the analogous part of our anatomy.
Special mention: the most powerful Smurf.
The Na'vi (Avatar)
Smurfs, but stretched vertically in Photoshop. They only rank higher in this list because they have way more skin, and therefore they're technically showing more of it despite covering a larger percentage. Look, we don't make the rules. Although we've ragged on the first movie in the past, we'll admit we're kinda looking forward to the sequel, in which the evil Gargamel attempts to turn them into space gold, and Jake Sully goes, "What a Na'ving predicament! Let's Na'vi that Na'vi before he Na'vis us!"
Tobias Funke (Arrested Development)
While Tobias' tragic, never-nude condition keeps him away from the top three, he does deserve credit for blue'ing as much of his skin as he's psychologically capable of.
Had Arrested Development ever had a movie sequel, it would have almost definitely involved Tobias getting over his mental roadblock and hanging blue dong for most of the film, which would have been rated X. But that'll never happen because, as we all know, this show ended in 2006 and never came back.
Note: From this point onwards, none of the characters wear pants.
The Genie (Aladdin)
Nope, those aren't pants. Yes, it hurts having other characters standing there. Yes, he does enjoy it.
But this masochistic maniac does wear something on his waist, unlike ...
Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)
The one-man menage a trois can wear any type of clothes whenever he wants; it's just that his favorite outfit happens to be no clothes at all. Or, occasionally, a speedo that somehow looks more lewd than his exposed blue eggplant. He also wears a suit at one point, but eventually, he always gets tired of these clothes, this prison, and being caught in the tangle of these pants. And yet, his commitment to blue nudity still isn't as impressive as ...
The foremost of the X-Men's many blue characters, and also the naked-est. "How can she be the greatest blue nudist," you ask, "if she doesn't even have nipples?" Look again. Buddy, she's all nipples. She has more nipples than regular (blue) skin. What, you thought those protuberances all over her body were purely decorative? That would make no evolutionary sense for a mutant, a.k.a. the next step in human evolution -- a painful step because she's probably got nipples on the soles of her feet and other inconvenient places, but a necessary one. The future is blue. Blue nipples.
Thumbnail: Marvel Studios