A Retired British Man Exacted A Most Disgusting Revenge

Geoff and Don used to be friends. Geoff’s full name is Geoffrey Holroyd-Doveton, so no matter what he says, you can conclude that he is the villain of this story.

The two men, both married and in their seventies, lived in Braintree, England. At the end of 2015, Geoff’s marriage to his wife fell apart, and he blamed Don. We have no details on exactly what Don allegedly did. Maybe Don seduced Emily (though that wouldn’t be our first guess, since he was happily married to a man). Maybe he confided in Emily about Geoff’s secret habit of storing his own feces in a bucket for weeks on end. Whatever the reason, Geoff blamed Don and retained his grudge after moving 200 miles away.

Then late in 2017, Geoff learned that Don and his husband would be out on vacation for New Year’s, leaving their home empty. That would give Geoff a chance to take revenge.

Step one took more than a month. Throughout that time, Geoff shit in bucket, to collect as much of his own feces as he could. What, when we said that thing about Geoff and feces earlier, did you think that was a totally uncalled-for joke? No, that’s something Geoff actually did (one time, if not habitually).

Step two was to create some sort of pump device of his own invention, connected to a nozzle. Step three was to travel to Don’s home, stick the nozzle through the front door’s mail slot, and blast feces into his enemy’s home. He did this on New Year’s Eve. We don’t know what plans you have for New Year’s next month, but we sincerely hope you find something even more personally fulfilling that what Geoff did.

He stood no chance of getting away with the invasion. CCTV cameras caught clear shots of him in action, and a court found Geoff guilty of £4,000 of damage. For his punishment, they made him pay the couple compensation and put in two weeks of community service. They also gave him eight weeks in prison but suspended the sentence, for fear that he might find prisoners’ toilet routine too hygienic.

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