When the team broke open a sample that they unimpressively described as a "really skinny cow pat," they found themselves staring at a rattlesnake fang -- one that looked just as fresh (and just as lethal) as any modern-day counterpart.

And then they found the ribs.

And then the vertebrae.

And then the scales.

The team soon realized that they hadn't found the poop of a hunter-gatherer with a terrible taste in toothpicks; they'd found the poop of a hunter-gatherer who, for whatever reason, woke up one morning and decided to eat an entire rattlesnake. We can't say for sure whether they survived the ordeal, but they sure did have time to make afterwards, and the scientists didn't find any skeletons nearby curled up in intestinal distress. We guess that's the closest thing to a happy ending this story gets.

E.M. Sonderman, C.A. Dozier, and M.F. SmithProving that even in the Neolithic era, Texans behaved pretty much the same as now.

So what would make someone eat an entire snake, you might wonder? In the case of your mom, $5. In the case of this individual, we have no idea. The best guess anyone can come up with is that it was part of a ritual intended to bring about rainfall, perhaps because the area was stricken by a devastating drought. Honestly? We'd rather take the drought.

Related: 7 Hilariously Embarrassing Archaeological Discoveries

Saint Teresa was a 16th-century nun from Avila, Spain who was so beloved that after her death in 1582, her body was dismembered and the pieces shipped to churches throughout the country -- which begs the question of what they would've done if they'd hated her.

One of these pieces was her right hand, which was shipped to Nuestra Senora de la Merced and subsequently encased -- as befitting a relic of its stature -- inside a silver glove covered in gemstones. We're not sure if these gemstones are meant to represent the fundamental elements of the Universe, or even if the glove is articulated enough to enable its wearer to snap their fingers, but ... there might be a reason they keep this thing under lock and key, and it's not that mad tyrants have a hard-on for stealing it.

Related: 5 Baffling Discoveries That Prove History Books Are Wrong

Just to add to the party spirit, the bag also contained a multicolored headband -- like the ones that are everywhere at Coachella, minus the cultural appropriation -- as well as a small pouch made from the snouts of not one, not two, but three cuddly wuddly foxes.

Albarracin-Jordan, Et. Al./ Journal of Bolivian ArcheologyAdmittedly a bit less cuddly wuddly now.

This lunatic wasn't being sent into the afterlife with pristine equipment, either. When tested, it was found to be covered in traces of everything from cocaine to psilocin to ayahuasca, which also suggested that our party animal had connections. These products weren't available locally, see, so they were either trekking hundreds of miles every time they wanted to get high or had access to "really extensive exchange networks." Oh, and an apparent ability to smooth-talk old-timey customs agents.

Related: The 6 Most Embarrassing Historical Artifacts Ever Discovered

Of course, discovering what the scraps came from was going to be a mammoth task. Were they pieces of a treasure map? A couple of doodles that Blackbeard scribbled in a fit of boredom? Some pornography that needed to be hastily disposed of? It was a mystery that was guaranteed to go unsolved forev- oh, they were from a book about ... badass explorers?

NC DCRWhich we suppose is something akin to a boring trade journal when you're a notorious pirate.

Using the handful of words printed on the scraps, conservators were able to figure out that they were ripped from a first-edition copy of A Voyage To The South Sea, And Round The World, Perform'd In The Years 1708, 1709, 1710 And 1711. This was a "voyage narrative" published in 1712 by Captain Edward Cooke, in which Cooke describes his exploits sailing the high seas, which included rescuing the real-life Robinson Crusoe.

Honestly, though, this discovery leaves more questions than answers. Namely, why did Blackbeard need a book about badass sailors when he was Goddamn Blackbeard? And if so, what, did he pick this up from a seaside Borders in Nassau along with some overpriced water and a neck pillow? We need to know.

Related: 5 Archaeological Finds That Prove The Past Was Dumb AF

According to Vldez, the fact that the Incas sent these animals into the afterlife like they were attending a Mardi Gras parade suggests that they weren't just any ol' sacrificial animals. They were important, and represented some kind of "special gift" intended for nature. Between the clothing and the fact that most of the guinea pigs were on the younger side, it's entirely possible (according to another archaeologist) that they were intended to serve as replacements for child sacrifice. Aaaaand we're back to talking archaeological horrors. See you at Halloween, folks!

You can find more from Adam on Twitter! He also has a newsletter about depressing history facts. (It's not as sad it sounds, promise.)

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