Team owners, amirite? Can't live with ‘em, would probably experience less racism and sexual assault without ’em. Sure, every billionaire is a policy failure, but also, sometimes billionaires throw money at athletes, so…basically a wash? Anyway, from “lovably eccentric” to “how are a you human person," here is our list of the most bonkers owners in the five main pro leagues. 

(Yes, North America has four major pro sports, but an innovative research method we're pioneering called “looking around” has told us the rest of the world enjoys something called “footie” (sp?), so we're throwing our international readers a bone. Lots of bones, because…)

Joe Lewis, Tottenham Hotspur

Guy lost a billion dollars in a day when the stock market crashed in 2008. He's attempted to shake down corrupt officials in Argentina to turn a portion of Patagonia's picturesque landscape into his personal playground. His not-at-all-henchmanly-named friend Van Ditmer threatened “we are going to defend the private property with the Winchester in hands; with blood if needed.” Sounds a little hot under the spur, amirite? Is that a thing you Brits say? 

Steve Cohen, New York Mets

Mr. Met

Wikimedia Commons: DLA75

“You get a work stoppage! And you get a work stoppage! Everybody gets a work stoppage!”

The Mets' recent ownership change was perfectly American: a couple of bumbling failsons who got scammed by Bernie Madoff sold to boring Human Calculator and financial criminal Steve Cohen. Steve Cohen is the kind of person who'll pay $100,000 to hang out with Guy Fieri (hey, no judgment here). His art collection includes one of those floating sharks in formaldehyde. That's gotta be a metaphor for something. 

Vivek Ranadive, Sacramento Kings

Maloof family

Wikimedia Commons: Renee V

An even worse ownership situation than the 4-on-5 guy

The man who thought he could make basketball decisions in the NBA because he coached his daughter's rec league team. He once proposed the Sacramento Kings play 4-on-5 defense so that one player can “cherrypick” on offense. Used the term “cherrypick." Signed the first ever Indian-born NBA player, Sim Bhullar, as a marketing stunt. Vivek, dude…you know what?We love the enthusiasm. 

Eugene Melnyk, Ottawa Senators

Eugene Melnyk

Wikimedia Commons: US Embassy Canada

Cheating a little because this asshole died on us earlier this year, but his estate still owns the Ottawa Senators, so we believe in ghosts for this entry. The Ringer called him the worst sports owner in North America, so we're exhuming his body one time. Hey, when you hear “one of the richest residents of Barbados,” does your mind immediately scream “tax cheat?” Dude once bounced a check to over gambling debts. He was so cheap with the Senators people thought it was weird he promised to spend the salary cap

Vincent Viola, Florida Panthers

Vincent Viola and Dan Sullivan

Wikimedia Commons: United States Senate - Office of Dan Sullivan

It's two Trump flunkies, does it really matter which one owns the Florida Panthers? 

The Florida Panthers owner was tapped by Donald Trump to be the Army secretary. Know why the guy with a name from Tarantino's cutting room floor didn't get the cushy high-profile military gig? He sold a bunch of airline stock to buy up stock in a company with tons of government contracts before the Senate nomination process was complete. Dude can't even corrupt right. 

The Kroenke Family, Colorado Avalanche (And Everywhere)

Real heavy hitters because they could belong on any section of this list. Stan Kroenke owns the Los Angeles Rams, Arsenal, the MLS's Colorado Rapids, and a couple of esports league teams. The only reason he doesn't technically own the Denver Nuggets and Colorado Avalanche is because the NFL made him put both teams in his wife's name. Ann Walton Kroenke, by the way, is the daughter of WalMart co-founder Bud WalMart sorry Bud Walton. People this rich running the teams and yet the owners will still lock NHL players out if they so much breathe in the direction of money.  

Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones

Wikimedia Commons: Keith Allison

A lot of digital ink has been spilled over the guy we've compared to Jon Voight's character in Varsity Blues and who also told Varsity Blues to f**k off. To his credit, he is a man who is authentically himself as an NFL owner. Problem is, to be authentically yourself as an NFL owner, you have to show a willingness to profit off of human suffering, act like someone who uses the word “tycoon” on positively and on purpose, and maybe chuck in some casual racism while you're at it. 

Dan Snyder, Washington Commanders

It could only end with this loser. What a pathetic, sad person. It took years before the slur name was changed, and even then they dragged their feet. Washington Football team? Good Lord. He probably loves that we're ending on Cowboys vs. Slur We Don't Say because it harkens back to some idealized, segregated United States. Definitely not a lovable eccentric.

Listen to Chris vent his frustration at Bulls-and-White-Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf on Twitter. 

Get the Cracked Daily Newsletter!

We've got your morning reading covered.

Tags

Forgot Password?