The hit sim game Two Point Campus released recently and fans are loving building up the hallowed, wholesome halls of their institutions. Training brave knights or clowns or just regular undergrads is a challenge as you manage all the minutiae of campus life. And that’s fine. If you live in la la dream land. College for many of us was a much different experience, with less of the focus being on learning and much more focus on how we were going to seduce that girl with the chest tattoo. They need to make an actual college game. And we’ve got some thoughts.

Binge drinking meter

You’ve got to balance the binge drinking so students get blitzed enough to think that they’re making lasting friendships, but not so drunk they die. It’s a delicate balance that’s hard to achieve in real life, and would make for a great game mechanic.

Sex-o-meter

 

College is where lots of folks get freaky for the first time. And it’s an important part of their development both as individuals and in relating to a society. Keep your students happy by letting them make each other happy. Occasional STI outbreaks could also function similarly to natural disasters in Civilization VI

Line cutters

 

Plenty of undergrads learn that daddy’s credit card isn’t just for use at the commissary, it’s also the perfect tool to cut up addy, coke, and any other powdery fun you might want to snort to study and/or continue binge drinking. Students need to know how to cut a proper rail or morale will suffer.

Drug cleanliness

 

This brings us to our next point. Drugs are still pretty popular with eighteen to twenty one year olds, and on a lot of IRL campuses, they’re a huge problem. We’re living in a time of incredibly dangerous drugs being cut with even more dangerous drugs. So monitoring and testing the local yak supply should be something any good university dean should look into. 

Ok, you can see why we didn’t pursue a life in academics (or game design) but we’d still play the heck out of this game.

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