Blue Whales Are Big (No, You Don’t Get it; They're Really Big)
Unlike your mom, for whom we have the utmost respect, blue whales are really big. And we know what you’re gonna say: ‘everybody knows blue whales are really big, duh, what’s next? Water’s wet? Capitalism’s bad? This is well-known.’ Yet the thing is merely ‘knowing’ these badass creatures are big because you remember it from TV or school years does not really capture how big they are, the fact they are, like. almost annoyingly-written big. Now, we’re no marine biologists here, but we do trust science, and asking the science about blue whales lets out a bunch of insane facts about these awesome and majestic fish, erm, mammals.
So how ridiculously big are blue whales? To begin with the basics, they can reach about 100 feet, a few feet more than a basketball court, yet length can be tricky when it comes to measuring animals (plus, you know, metric system kinda guy over here, so who the hell knows what a ‘foot’ even is). Let us then remain with a much more precise way of evaluating their size: weight. Blue whales can weigh up to 200 tons, which equals more than 2,000 comedy writers or to put it in terms of the only truly objective, universal, and standard measuring system, around 30 T-Rexes. Yet, in terms of our modern oil-guzzling, climate change experience (which, by the way, could be fought by helping blue whales return to their pre-hunting numbers), there’s this:
In sum, this all makes whales the largest animals that have ever lived. Let us make it even clearer. When it opens its mouth to eat, a blue whale can hold up to 50,000 liters of water, and its jaw dislocates at an almost 90° angle as its accordion-like mouth widens fourfold. Brain-melting scales are blue whales’ jam. Similarly, weighing around 400 pounds and pumping 220 liters of blood every 10 seconds, we just recently have been able to study their hearts. We thus know they are not the size of a car, which come on, is just dumb, but the size of Harley-Davidsons or of a small piano, which is awesome.
Moreover, to really drive the point home, whales' tongues can weigh as much as some elephants. And alright, alright, now what everybody truly wants to know: their junk.
We all know “a whale’s vagina” in German is “San Diego,” of course, but specifically, blue whales’ vaginas can be difficult to study. Still, it can be assumed they can fit several adult humans since they give birth to baby blue whales that can weigh more than a full-size car. Finally, as for their dongs, they can be as long as 16 feet, meaning longer than two Shaqs, or something that’d make your mom giggle and reply, “Oh, that is big, I’ve learned so much with this lovely educational article.”
What a charming, gracious lady, truly deserving of all our respect.
Top Image: PAG Photos and Designs/Shutterstock