Ancient Articles Of Clothing We Need To Bring Back

Bloomers

These fancy pants were originally a counter movement to the heavy, uncomfortable fashions of the time. But damn, they look fly. For a few hundred years in Europe, upper class women were expected to dress in ways that absolutely hindered their movement. Until some brave ladies said “naw, I’ma get some pants on.” Bloomers in the 1800’s were a sign of freedom and fashion. Plus they look like forerunners to MC Hammer pants, which obviously rule.

Cloaks

We can all agree that wizard fashion is an unexplored frontier. It’s time to take a page from Tolkien’s book and bring back the billowing cloak. Cosplay is more popular than ever, with hundreds of thousands of people each year donning elaborate get ups to impress their fellow nerds, so we know there are closets full of cloaks out there. Be brave guys, start wearing them out on the street.

The Isolator Helmet

Forget low-fi beats to study/chill to, this is a whole ass helmet guaranteed to tune out distractions so you can get to work. Some wacky inventor in the 1920’s realized that what folks really needed was a quiet space to concentrate. So they invented this cork lined, felt covered helmet. The eye holes were made of blackened glass, with only a tiny scratch in the lens so the wearer could see through. Nothing’s more distracting than having a full field of vision. Diglett looking hat aside, this bad boy comes with an oxygen tank, which actually does make it easier to focus.

Pauldrons

Ubiquitous in video game character design and well known to fantasy costumers the world over, the pauldron is the big, badass ancestor of shoulder pads. We’re not participating in any jousts, sure, but does everyone who drives and F-150 haul around mulch all day? No. It’s called fashion people.

Bliauts

Modern life means, for many, sitting at a dang keyboard all day. Gone are the days of rising with the sun and toiling in rhythm with the Earth for many of us. Which is the perfect excuse to bring back bliauts. These classic princess sleeves were a sign of a life so luxurious, you didn’t need to use your arms. Just the hands and wrists for delicate work like crocheting or say, typing an angry email to your boss and then deleting it.

Crakows

These shoes took Europe by storm in the 1400’s and we’re gonna need them to come back in style, because they are sweet, hot, FIRE. What doth your crush swoon over? Pointy toes, it is certain. Why did these long toed shoes come into fashion? Well, the theory goes that royalty started wearing them and everyone else followed suit. Kind of like what Beyonce is doing for fringe right now. The toes on crakows got so long, that movement became difficult. Sometimes the points had to be tied up to the shins in order to walk around. We need a heroic designer to bring these back so we can say, “sorry bruh, I can’t go for a hike, my shoes are too long.”

Chopines

Beyond fashion, chopines actually served a very practical function. If you’ve ever walked through New York City on a winter’s day after the snow has melted and everything is covered in sludge with rats floating in it, you’ll see the need for a high platform shoe. Chopines were meant to keep their wearers up away from the muck. They were also worn to let society know that “hey, I’m rich and I want you to notice me.” Which is pretty much the exact same reason folks wear red bottoms today.

Crinolines

Yes, yes, we all know that big booties are desirable. But what if they could be so big you could hardly fit through a door? What if dat ass was such a genuine DONK that you had trouble sitting down? Enter the crinoline, a layer or layers of petticoats usually worn under a skirt or dress which made the bottom half of a lady look W I D E. We need to bring this back because it’s gorgeous and so we can finally achieve the perfect human silhouette: 34”, 30”, 78”.

Macaroni Hats

The higher the hair, the closer to god. If this is true, then no one’s ever been closer to god than a bunch of fops in the 18th century. While men’s fashion today may consist of $600 hoodies and shoes so clean you can perform surgery on them, back in the day the lads were donning massive wigs topped with teeny, tiny little hats. Followers of this fashion became known as “Macaroni”. The goal was to have a wig so high and a hat so small, it could only be removed by the point of sword.