From a young age well into adulthood, the mascots of many of our favorite food brands hold a special place in our heart. This, of course, is due to the successful calculations of advertising departments and psychological studies, but mental conditioning is a small price to pay for the joy of watching the Trix rabbit’s simple dreams smashed day after day. Now, knowing that these characters are created for the promotion and sale of products, they’re deliberately made to be as non-offensive and friendly as possible. However, if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that no matter how beloved a public figure, there’s a good chance they have a dark side.

With that in mind, here are 15 famous food figures and the felonies I think they’re most likely to commit.

Chester Cheetah - Solicitation

Frito-Lay

Chester Cheetah is a man/cheetah that considers pleasure paramount. Something he’s willing to pay for. Now, the debate can be had that the criminalization of sex work is needless, prudish, and antiquated. However, this is not an article about that. This is an article about how I can absolutely see Chester Cheetah in a fogged-up parked orange Cadillac.

The Hamburglar - Identity Theft

McDonald's

As one of the only food mascots that, by definition, is already a criminal, it would be easy to jump to conclusions here. Surely, the Hamburglar’s crime is burglary, no? No. That is his past and he is trying to put it behind him. Unfortunately, when you dress exclusively in horizontal stripes, it’s even harder than usual to separate yourself from your criminal past. Desperate, I think HB attempts to start a new life outside the eye of the law. With a dead man's driver's license.

Burger King - Tax Evasion

Burger King

Why is the Burger King smiling all the time? Because he knows he’s going to keep 100 percent of every paycheck he receives. He’s waltzing around, wearing a crown in a country famous for bucking the rule of monarchy in favor of democracy (and later, oligarchy.) I can easily see him proudly attempting to explain to the IRS through sign language that he is a sovereign citizen and as such refuses to pay their unlawful tithe.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop - Kidnapping

Kellogg's

This one is just a deep gut feeling. Something about these three mischievous brothers just makes me immediately imagine them peeling out in a white van. Pop is the brains of the operation and the getaway driver. Snap runs point. Crackle does the dirty work and ALSO is the one most likely to connect with and subsequently free the prisoner.

Mr. Peanut - False Imprisonment

Planters

In a similar vein, everything about Mr. Peanut suggests he has grinned at someone through the bars of a makeshift cell. He probably hosts lavish parties at his peanut mansion, entertaining and spinning his cane, all the while getting off on the fact that beneath the guests lies a broken, shackled man. After the party he’ll push leftover scraps from the buffet through the bars and watch him eat them off the stone, laughing. A despicable man.

Chef Boyardee - Smuggling

Conagra Brands

The same skills that allow Chef Boyardee to pack extremely small ravioli with low-grade beef go to use in a large-scale food smuggling ring. For example, the Chef illegally imports raw cheeses banned in the United States. This is not an especially heinous crime, but his smuggling of endangered and exotic animal meats for his private feasts is another issue. Crime magnates far and wide would kill for a reservation to try his Shark-Fin-Os.

Julius Pringles - Murder

Kellogg's

Yeah, the Pringles guy’s first name is Julius. Weird, right? Anyways, I don’t know if it’s the blank eyes or the fact that he looks a little bit like famous serial killer, the White City Devil, H.H. Holmes, but I feel like he’s felt someone’s last breath on his cheek. H. H. Holmes was also famous for his hotel that he converted into a trap-laden “Murder Castle,” and I bet there were tubes involved.

Kool Aid Man - Felony DUI

Kraft Heinz

For the Kool-Aid man, the party never stops. Sure, he causes some party-related property damage, and spills everywhere, but he’s such a good time everyone lets it fly. Until they don’t anymore. Until he’s headed home to his, uh, refrigerator house, I guess, and he feels what he thought was a speedbump. But speedbumps don’t leave blood on the hood.

Tony the Tiger - Prostitution

Kellogg's

The man has the physique of a gigolo or an insta thirst trap if I’ve ever seen one. There’s not a woman in a sexless marriage putting in hours on the Equinox elliptical that wouldn’t pay good money to get twisted around by this needlessly sexual tiger. He is also the food mascot most likely to have a hugely profitable OnlyFans.

Count Chocula - Racketeering

General Mills

The title of Count is taken by one with the ownership and jurisdiction over an area of land. Fun fact: this is where the term “county” comes from! Less fun fact: Count Chocula extorts crippling protection payments from the residents and businesses within his territory. Should he find his envelopes light on Romanian Leu, expect an unfriendly visit from Frankenberry and friends.

Cap’n Crunch - Arms Dealing

Kellogg's

Ex-military and with access to an, I very much assume, unregistered vessel, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch has an extreme arms dealer vibe to me. The more you think about it, the more it makes sense. Imagine seeing a grainy photo of Cap’n Crunch shaking hands with Idi Amin, and then subsequent photos of them overseeing as mislabeled crates are pried open with a crowbar, and tell me it looks THAT weird in your mind’s eye.

Colonel Sanders - Sedition

Yum! Brands

Absolutely zero chance Colonel Sanders wasn’t at the White House January 6. His politics, like Chick-Fil-A, are best left pushed to the deepest recess of the mind. Anyways, Popeyes is better and their chicken just makes you think of a really cool and strong sailor.

Chuck E. Cheese - Possession With Intent To Distribute

CEC Entertainment

Have you ever met someone who manages an arcade and DOESN’T sell weed? C’mon. It’s probably one of the top 3 “sell weed in the back” businesses, along with pizza parlors and comic book stores. Everything about Charles Entertainment Cheese’s vibe screams “guy rolling a blunt on the coffee table when you walk into a party.”

Pillsbury Doughboy - Arson

Pillsbury

Cute little Pillsbury Doughboy? A firebug? Believe it. First of all, being repeatedly tickled for your whole life is psychological torture that would almost certainly result in a fractured mind. The sort of fractured mind that would seek revenge. No one will ever tickle him again when the whole world is his oven. In his new world, everyone will be crispy and golden brown.

Quaker Oats Guy - Pedophilia

PepsiCo

The less said about this creep, the better.

Well, that wraps it up! I hope you enjoyed this article enough to off-balance the police surveillance my internet activity is undoubtedly under after researching felonies.

Top Image: Kellogg's/Pixabay

Get the Cracked Daily Newsletter!

We've got your morning reading covered.

Tags

Forgot Password?