15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
Jokes are the lifeblood of comedy, whether they're over-arching, dry, lame, punny, ironic, low-hanging, irreverent, topical, edgy, safe, or alternative, we wouldn't have comedy without them. Here are 15 jokes that we salute for daring to challenge the very principals we've constructed about life and psychology, and some for being funny jokes about d*cks.
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."
"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.'"
“I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.”
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
Perhaps John Mulaney’s best joke of all time, the classic, Salt and Pepper Diner bit.
“I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, ‘Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!’”
“If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there”
“I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.”
“Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That’s when you realize maybe we have too much freedom. ‘Yeah, quick question about the coffee: is it organic? OK. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I’d like to have a cup of boiling hot water. Boiling. Boiling. With Ice. And I don’t want the ice to get all tiny.’”
“We got a black president. Not only can I dance, I can tap dance. You know what dignified black people hate? Tap dancing. Hate that shit. Like, “look at that damn Bojangles just setting us back. How we gonna get ahead she up there looking like Bojangles?” Now I can dance. I can do some other sh*t. I can buy whole watermelons now. I no longer have to grow them in my closet under my weed lamp.”
“Have you ever reached a point in your life where you realize you look like the entire Honey Boo Boo family? No? Just me?”
"Hurricane Sandy left me without power for five days, I was not prepared to not have power for five days. F*****g five days is long enough for your kids to start second-guessing your authority. Three days in my son walks up to me and says, 'Why we gotta listen to you, you can’t even get the lights on?' I was like, 'Wow, this little boy has a point!'"
Chelsea Peretti tells the audience all the reasons why she wishes she was a guy.
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Top Image: Netflix