Magic: The Gathering is the greatest game ever made. What makes it the greatest is the complex gameplay, emergent narrative, and a ton of hidden dongs in the artwork.

Door to Nothingness

Wizards of the Coast

Svetlin Velinov is one of my favorite MTG artists, this just cemented them as #1. Just look at that masterful coloring in the interior of… well iykyk.

I’ve been alive for long enough to know a goatse when I see one. And that my friends, is a goatse. If you don’t know what a goatse is, and this is your first time hearing the term, let me just say I’m sorry and/or you’re welcome.

Uktabi Orangutan

 

Wizards of the Coast

Totally normal card…

A happy orangutan waltzing through the trees of their jungle home. Idyllic no? It definitely seems like paradise to those two kinda capuchin looking monkeys in the background. They seem really happy. Orgasmically happy.

Wizards of the Coast

That orangutan is not actually calling out, they're gasping in shock at the monkey business in front of their eyes.

Yeah, they’re boinking monkey style. Which is doggy style but you’re a monkey. 

Pretty much any card illustrated by Robert Bliss

 

Wizards of the Coast

Just a tip: read the flavor text to get ahead.

Robert Bliss only wants one thing… and that is to put a phallus in every MTG card’s art. A noble cause worthy of a master of the craft. It’s a poorly kept secret in the MTG community that many of the cards illustrated by Bliss have at least one or two schlong references in them. He’s also known for his incredibly expressive character art and subtle coloration that evokes powerful emotion. But we’re mostly here for the dongers. 

Wizards of the Coast

Take a look at the lady orc and you'll see those mushrooms are… pretty erect? 

Clergy en-Vec

Wizards of the Coast

I mean wow.

“Faith’s shield is hammered out by the blows of unbelievers.” -Oracle en-Vec. Thus reads the flavor text. The oracle on the card appears to be in religious ecstasy, blessing a congregant. Oh wait no, that guy is getting his d*ck sucked. Blows of unbelievers indeed. This card should be called mana drain.

To continue the magic: check out Biggest Bads in Magic and these celebs who are huge fans of the game.

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