Dad jokes are like Boy George, they can be hard to define, but you know them when you hear them. The name “dad joke” can be given to jokes just because they’re lame or jokes that dads love to repeat. Dad jokes can be punny. Dad jokes can have a twist ending. Just like a dad would say, the world is a dad jokes oyster. Here are 20 jokes that are dad certified, and will be great to tell shirtless by the grill at your next barbeque.

Jason Alexander’s Favorite Dad Joke

George Costanza

NBC

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

Two Cannibals Eat A Clown

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

I Think It’s A Mail Plane

What makes this Three Amigos scene an apex dad joke, is the laughing by Martin Short to prove to the others that it was indeed funny. 

What Did One Frenchman Say To The Other?

What did one Frenchman say to the other?

I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Jane Lynch’s Favorite Dad Joke

Jane Lynch Glee

Fox

Friends of an old guy hire a lady of the evening for his 90th birthday. She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

The old man thinks a second and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”

Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? Dnbgh!??!”

Kumail Nanjiani’s Favorite Dad Joke

Kumail Nanjiani Murderville

Netflix

A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh . . . are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

Husbands Are Like Wine

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg swap dad jokes to see who will break. It’s always hard to tell if you’re laughing at the joke themselves, or just how lame they are. Or maybe just Will Ferrell's face.

The Pirate’s Earrings

Do you know what the pirate paid for his earrings? Buck-an-ear.

Dad tells a Dirty Joke

Dad jokes are best told by dad mouths, so here’s a keeper from an 89-year-old dad about the secret to male stamina.

Dad’s Love Wife Jokes

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

Richard Levine

A selection from the BCC 4’s Old Jews Tell Jokes, and let me tell you, it’s exactly as advertised.

Throat Lozenge

“The inventor of the throat lozenge passed away. There was no coughin’ at his funeral.”

Dad Tells A Joke In His Natural Habitat

The epitome of the dad joke. It’s long and rambly, it’s done by a dad on his dad-looking porch, and you can hear the children say “I knew that’s where it was going.”

Emo Phillips

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!” 

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

Paper Clip Productions

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

Rodney was the dad of dad jokes.

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

NBC

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?”

If there’s anything dad’s love, it’s quoting Mitch Hedberg.

John Pleshette

John Pleshette’s long woven tapestry of a joke about a parrot on another episode of Old Jews Tell Jokes.

Penn Jillette’s Favorite Dad Joke

Penn & Teller

HBO

Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race—”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah; before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”

The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You idiots; you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you run faster!”

One horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

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Top Image: Columbia Pictures

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