It was the best of times, it was the least Morbin’ of times; this weekend, Sony’s plan to re-release Morbius in theatres went the way of … well, the first release of Morbius. After a wave of internet ridicule, Sony sweatily tried to capitalize on the newfound ironic appreciation of their brooding supervillain flick by bringing it back to the big screen – and even seemingly convincing Jared Leto to participate in their new meme-focused marketing strategy, effectively killing the joke forever.

But that didn’t go well. In addition to drawing more attention to allegations against Leto, in its reopening day, Morbius made just $85,000 – and sure, it’s not a good movie, and is available on VOD, but that’s still less than Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, which is on HBOMax, is also terrible, and is in nearly half as many theaters.  

At the domestic box office this past weekend, the resurrected Morbius made just $300,000, which works out to jut $289 per screen. For the same amount of money, each theater showing Morbius could have just sold …

289 Taco Bell Tacos


When measured in tacos, Morbius’ per-screen take this weekend isn’t that bad; you could get 289 tacos off of Taco Bell’s value menu for an identical figure. Which, we can only assume, is enough to feed an elephant, or one drunk 22-year-old at three in the morning.

29 3-Packs of Mannequin Eyelids

Imagine if a theater showing Morbius decided, instead, to enter the exciting field of mannequin eyelid sales – they would have only needed to sell 29 3-packs of rubber replacement eyelids, complete with eyelashes, to do similar business. 

A 1 Month Lease On a 2022 Honda Accord

For exactly the same amount as Morbius’ per-screen average, $289, you could lease a 2022 Honda Accord for an entire month. And then use said vehicle to travel as far away from the nearest theater playing Morbius as humanly possible. 

4 Anatomically-Correct ALF Dolls

Theaters could have made significantly more money selling vintage plush toys depicting NBC’s 1980s alien puppet character ALF fully nude. 

Etsy.ca

Note: this link is NSFW (unless you work at the Etsy shop that’s glueing dongs onto ALF stuffies). 

Six Sets Of King-Sized Morbius Bed Sheets

Finally, perhaps the best way to measure Morbius’ box office success is in the currency of Morbius-themed bed sheets; like, you could get six sets of King-Sized Morbius bed sheets for more than the movie’s re-release per-screen average. 

Spiritcos.com

Which have extra value, since they double as a contraceptive.

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Thumbnail: Sony, Taco Bell

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