Ah, the talkies, where we go to relax and enjoy watching a nice little story about people and their things. Sometimes, we even learn new things, like what other cultures eat or how much food Brad Pitt has stuffed into his face hole (a lot) while acting. Sometimes, though, movies will teach us some wrong things. Sometimes, Hollywood will have us believe that Italians only ever eat pizza or pasta, nothing else. Or that every Chinese restaurant looks the same, with red interior walls and Chinese lanterns everywhere. Sure, we don't treat our cinematic experiences like it's Social Studies or Home-Ec 101, but sometimes a tiny piece of information will drift on through the screen and into our minds and come to rest among the "This Is A Correct Fact" files.

Time to examine those files. Clean up on aisle four.

No, Raw Eggs Won’t Make You Fit Like Rocky Or Pump Muscles Like Gaston

If you’re not already singing lyrics from the Disney song that will now be stuck in your head for at least the next five minutes, here you go:

Gosh, what an insufferable boulder of a human, that Gaston. The man, of course, brags about how he went from eating four dozen eggs every morning when he was a young lad to five dozen now that he’s older. We didn’t wince at him chugging those eggs whole and raw. We winced at the sheer amount and the idea that anyone would want to actually be the size of a barge. What strange life goals some have.

It’s not like we take animated characters seriously, but again, we didn’t question those eggs gulping much, either. Why would we? Gaston was simply propagating the well-known fact that anyone who wants to better their physicality and exercise like a monster needs to down some raw eggs every day, lest they want every muscle in their body to start eating itself. Rocky Balboa famously drank his raw egg concoction every morning, too:

Boy, that sure is a choice right there. Here’s the thing about eating raw eggs: Not only is there a (slight) chance you could contract salmonella, but the whole idea that it’s supposedly better for you is a total myth. Scientifically, there is no difference between eating raw eggs and cooked ones. Unlike some types of foods, there is no nutritional loss when you cook an egg. The only advantage we can think of is that it takes more time (like, three minutes) cooking an egg than just throwing it straight into your stomach pipe.

Which means that showing us a character going all raw isn’t a sign of them being health conscious or committing to better nutrition. It’s either a sign that the character will blindly believe any BS people tell them, or that they're simply too lazy to cook an egg.

No, Sugar Actually Doesn’t Cause Hyperactivity In Children (Or Adults)

And now, a collection of YouTube videos to serve as a montage of cinema’s favorite sugar-hyped kids for absolutely no one’s viewing pleasure. Just kidding, we won’t do that to you. We will, however, present you with this clip that best portrays the whole sugar-craze concept:

Such nightmares. These kids are probably a better example of mob mentality at work than anything else. See, we’re supposed to laugh at the two dumb dads in that scene because everybody knows that you don’t give kids all the sweets in the world unless you want to endure them spinning out of control for hours on end after. Only, that’s not how it works. Not even for adults.

See, science has done a lot of those studies they seem to like doing so much, and with all the studying on this supposed phenomenon, there just isn’t any concrete evidence that sugar rush is an actual thing. While peer-reviewed evidence suggests that sugar may have a slight effect on children who are super sensitive to sugar — which is a small percentage of kids and usually involves more than just little Johnny doing parkour on your living room walls — it has no drastic or dramatic effect on most kids, at all. Kids just like to play and be around each other — a fact alone that will get them hyped thanks to this hormone we call adrenaline.

And yet, people keep insisting that it’s the sugar, which seems to be a thing by itself because studies have shown how mothers will perceive their young ones as overhyped on sugar when their kids were actually given placebos.  Also, whether or not a kid is super sensitive to sugar has nothing to do with them jumping on pianos. That’s just your average child acting out and seeing how obnoxious they can possibly be.

No, Chocolate (And Other Foods) Doesn’t Get You Aroused

How many romantic dinner scenes in cinematic history have involved seduction by chocolate, or some sexy shucked oysters, or a good dose of lobster sucking because, gosh, how else do people get it on even? 

Yeah, that is clearly more about the how than it is the what's being eaten, and that goes for all food because it turns out there’s no magical dish that has a direct line to our “Ready To Bang” buttons. Not strawberries or cherries or some other soft fruit, and not sushi or any oceanic food people claim makes them want to bump uglies. The idea of food turning us on seems to be just that — an idea. As in, it’s a head thing. Researchers have found that historically, foods that are considered rare or pricey — or, unsurprisingly, anything that looks like a genital — have been considered an aphrodisiac at one point during the course of our existence. Yeah, we know what you're thinking: Even artichokes.

Sakura Ho/Unsplash

How can you not be hot for those beautiful bulbous bells?

Sure, certain foods can be good and healthy and help your body function better, which could all contribute to better blood flow and proper natural responses of your body parts and systems in general. But there’s no one food that’s going to bewitchingly get you to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. That’s all you, sweet cheeks.

No, Movies Don’t Really Know How The Michelin System Works

Search Bradley Cooper’s chef movie Burnt on Google and you’ll soon realize that it is widely regarded — by actual chefs — to be the worst food movie, ever. People who work in the hospitality industry can be very dramatic. Still, there seems to be a lot wrong with the film and how it portrays the job of a chef and the inner workings of a kitchen (apparently, there are way fewer plates being thrown around).

According to critics, the film and also most other fine dining films seem to have no idea how the Michelin System works. For non-foodies out there, Michelin (yes, the French tire company) has a star system which they use to award fine dining establishments they think are just dandy. Those restaurants then become part of the Michelin restaurant guide — a map for rich people to travel the world and go eat a side salad somewhere fancy. A restaurant can earn a maximum of three stars, and be known as most exquisite and hella exclusive and hoity-toity and whatnot. Again, some life goals are quite the thing.

One specific criticism the movie where Bradley Cooper yells at women in a kitchen received was the whole plot about his character “going for his third star.” Stars aren’t accumulated. You don’t get one and then go for two and then end with that highly-coveted third award. Also, a restaurant gets a star, not a chef. 

Then there are the very strange ideas the movie has about Michelin’s anonymous tasters and their habits. See, this is how fine dining restaurants are tested: Michelin sends their (lucky) secret tasters to inspect an establishment and report back on their experience. No one knows the entire process or how exactly restaurants are rated or even the habits of these Michelin inspectors, so the movie sure goes out of its way to make some bizarre and downright silly assumptions:

Ah yes, no one knows how Michelin's food spies operate but we also totally know what they wear, how they order, and even why they place cutlery on the floor like absolute lunatics. Oh, right — that fork thing was included so that it could be used, later, to pretend like the staff spotted an actual inspector at Cooper’s abusive restaurant. 

It’s Chekov’s fork. 

God, the movies.

Zanandi is on Twitter and also on that other platform.

Top Image: The Weinstein Company

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