Creativity often inspires more creativity. We have countless fan fiction of superheroes doing butt stuff to prove it. But while some fans will simply theorize that yes, Jar Jar Binks is actually a Sith Lord (and most definitely a power bottom), others will dive into a pop culture question with such clarity and devotion that they make everyone else look like chumps. For instance:

Identifying The True Identity Of Community's Ass Crack Bandit


Community is one of the most meta of all live-action meta sitcoms. It's so meta that the show basically sucked itself into its own meta black hole by the end of it. Nevertheless, it gave us some epic moments -- from the paintball games to the "Pillows and Blankets" war to basically every scene featuring Troy and Abed. We're still dreaming about that alternate universe spin-off show that's entirely in Spanish.

One of the show's biggest questions—aside from how the college managed to exist for so long and who thought to cast Chevy Chase in the first place—is the true identity of the college perp known simply as the Ass Crack Bandit. The ACB was first mentioned by Annie during the second season episode "Intro to Political Science" when she ran for campus president and declared that she would bring the bandit to justice. We never hear about this criminal obsessed with dropping coins into people's butt cracks again, until season 5.

The entire episode plays off as a whodunnit Zodiac-parody, with Annie and Jeff trying to, uh, crack the case. The real ACB is never discovered, and the ending suggests it could be anyone. Many, many theories have been floating around the internet since, but the most impressive investigation comes from The Film Theorists. These guys took every line and every suspecting shot from that episode and figured out things like the physicality of the bandit, characters' locations, and possible motivation. They rounded up possible suspects that were in the vicinity when the crimes occurred, and started with a process of elimination.

If you're already yelling out "Britta!" or "Annie!" like many of the internet's pop culture sleuths, well son, you're wrong. Annie's handwriting doesn't match that of the Bandit's letter at all, and Britta is too short. Yes, it all seems to come down to height, as these things often do. Or not, we're no Sherlocks. Anyway, there's a shot of the ACB in the episode, hiding in the background right before Troy gets coined in the crack. It's the only shot we ever see of the Bandit, and it shows a tall, lanky figure ... 

Community

NBC

No, not Todd. He has an alibi. 

 ... with the same height as Abed. Those school shelves are typically 7 feet tall, and the Theorists calculated that this shot shows the Bandit to be anywhere between 5'10 and 6 feet tall. Britta is only 5'4, and not really known for walking around in stilettos. Abed though? Yeah, he's 6 feet tall. 

There's also a blink-and-you'll-miss-it shot of Abed in the gym hall: 

Community

NBC

You might even miss it if you don't blink.

Seconds later, as the Dean addresses the Greendale students, he's gone ... 

Community

NBC

(Abed and the Dean are not the same person; other episodes prove this)

... and the ACB strikes moments later, dropping a coin down a crack from underneath the bleachers.

Community

NBC

Of course, Abed has experience below the bleachers, from all the sex he has there. 

Additional damning evidence the investigation doesn't bring up is that the phone call between the Dean and the ACB suspiciously resembles Abed's speech patterns. Given the fact that Abed often goes to great lengths to make sure his fictional narrative plays out exactly the way he wants it to, there's really not much doubt left in the end. He's also the most likely to get away with it, anyway.

The More Brad Pitt Eats In A Movie, The Better The Movie Does

It's become common knowledge and quite the running joke that a Brad Pitt movie isn't a Brad Pitt movie if the man isn't eating in it. YouTube is filled with compilations of him stuffing his face, and it sure feels like this scene in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is a meta-wink to everyone who knows about this probably non-deliberate onscreen reputation.

But the internet guy who goes by many names, and is known for his "Dumb Data" projects in which he takes on random premises and analyze them, asked the very important question: Do the movies in which Pitt eats more do better than the movies where he eats less? The answer is a resounding yes. Give Pitt something to literally sink his teeth in, and see the numbers go up. 

Dumb Data Guy (our preferred name for him) watched all of Pitt's movies up to 2019 and made a list of the glorious grub gobbled up by the actor. He then came up with a bunch of rules, like not counting any implied eating before or after a scene, and he included the blood Pitt's character Louis consumed in Interview with the Vampire because, well, it's technically eating. 

Interview with the vampire

Warner Bros. 

Got to get that iron in, somehow.

He then estimated the amount of food eaten at a time, and researched the serving size calories for said food to get the numbers. The result showed that the movies where Pitt eats more than 200 calories have higher box office and higher critical score averages than his movies featuring little or no eating. These Eat-a-Lot movies have an average RT score of 67%, and a domestic box office average of $143 million. Movies where he doesn't eat at all have an average RT score of 64%, and a domestic box office average of $64 million, which is less than half of the money made from his mouth-chomping movies.

Some experts have theorized that we like watching Pitt eating so much because, well, the man does it so naturally. He looks like an actual human eating food and not an actor trying to keep the mustard from dripping off their chin. Whether you think you don't really care about seeing Pitt dive into some cheese nachos, it doesn't really matter. The numbers are in his foodie-favor.

The Definitive Analysis Of Godzilla Vs. King Kong (By A Scientist)

A functional morphologist—someone who studies the structure and functions of organisms—decided to take a long hard look at who, indeed, is the one true king of the MonsterVerse where Earth is hollow and characters exist solely to relay exposition. 

Legendary Entertainment

"In the next part they're going to fight, because they're mad. Let's watch them fight. FIGHT!"

Scientist and fangirl Kierstan Formoso looked at everything from Godzilla and Kong's biological makeup and structures to the possible physics that could apply to these monsters. Because our physics sure as hell doesn't. For one, it's practically impossible for these beasts to pump enough blood and oxygen from their hearts to their brains. Godzilla wouldn't even be able to stand upright, and both monsters would be super slow because it's going to take a while for nerve signals from the brain to actually reach their body parts. 

Legendary Entertainment

Possibly the only franchise in which Zack Snyder's love for slow-motion would actually make sense.

Nevertheless, things like radiation exposure and whatnot seem to do the trick in letting all of the physics stuff slide in a world where a giant monkey can dangle from a skyscraper without it crumbling underneath him. There are other interesting points that Formoso uses to make this giant lizard and colossal primate at least a tad more plausible. For instance, Godzilla seems to have evolved unique gills and, like sea turtles and sea snakes, could absorb oxygen through its skin, making this aquatic lizard able to be comfortable at both land and sea. His killer tail could possibly play a role in his ability to stand upright, and Formoso compares the creature to sauropod dinosaurs whose muscular legs supported their incredible body mass and strengthened their tail movements. Because Godzilla sure can whip that tail.

Kong on the other hand mostly walks on two legs, making him different from any other living apes and possibly closer to our own evolution as humans. It would also explain why he shows greater muscle flexibility, packs a mean punch, and uses tools like a goddamn Jedi. Formoso argues that, while a bite from Godzilla will surely do damage, the shape and strength of Kong's jaw muscles will give him the upper edge.

So, who scientifically wins between these two? That part remains up for debate. Formoso gives Kong a slight edge thanks to his array of capabilities, but Godzilla's defense skills makes him a formidable foe. Throw in his atomic breath and it almost feels unfair. 

And yet, little did we know that all it took to fight such an unsurvivable blasting power was a magical tomahawk-style axe. 

The Guy Tracking John Wick's Kill Count (And More)


There are John Wick fans, and then there are John Wick fans who have a website dedicated to the man who just wanted to be left alone with his pup. As of this writing, with three Wick movies in and the fourth (hopefully) not far off, the character has slaughtered a total of 299 people on screen. That's more than the combined total of Jason Voorhees in all 12 of the Friday the 13th movies AND Michael Myers in all 13 of the
Halloween movies.

New Line Cinema/Summit Entertainment/Universal Pictures

The Kill Count Crossover, coming April 2022 by a fanfic blog.

Internet user George Hatzis created a website to break down and showcase all of Wick's kills, from weapons used to shots taken to accuracy levels in all three movies. For instance, most of Wick's kills happened in John Wick: Chapter 2 with a total count of 128 people. In John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum, a Glock 34 proved the most lethal weapon and, on the more hilarious side, there were more kills by horses than there were by a Remington rifle or even an axe. (Note: Magical axes have yet to appear in the franchise.)

The third movie has the highest shooting accuracy score at 88%, and there's an additional breakdown showing just how badass Halle Berry's character Sofia is. 

George Hatzis

To think, none of these kills would've happened if everyone would just stop shooting dogs.

The site shows breakdowns of every fight scene, every weapon used during those fights, and the fatality of those weapons. It's as impressive as it is just a tiny bit alarming. We're just saying we'd rather watch Brad Pitt eat. For academic purposes, of course.

Zanandi is on Twitter.

 

 

 

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