15 Roast Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
When a Roaster knows what they’re doing, there’s nothing better. The jokes have to be the perfect mix of funny and mean, or an ironic play on that idea all together. Here are 15 Roast jokes and bits for the comedy hall of fame.
Shaquille O’Neal on Jeff Ross
Short and Sweet, unlike Shaq.
"Look at Jeff. Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady.”
Martha Stewart Justin Beiber
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it’s so much fun to say."
Jeff Ross on Jonah Hill
“When Quentin Tarantino told Jonah he wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, ‘you had me at spaghetti.'”
Followed by Jonah crying from laughter on the sidelines.
Joan Rivers smacking Kathy Griffin
Joan Rivers chugs two glasses of wine, smashes them and is the first roast honoree to physically fight back. It’s about time.
Natasha Leggero on James Franco
"James Franco, acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing — is there anything you can do?"
Jeff Ross on Bruce Willis
Jeff points out Bruce Willis’ family in the crowd.
“Get a shot of that whole table. It’s the beautiful circle of life, Bruce. Your family looks like all the villains you killed off in the Die Hard movies.”
Jimmy Kimmel on Pamela Anderson
“She loves rockstars. The woman has screwed more musicians than Napster.”
The Absolute Destruction Of Anne Coulter
Possibly the best non-comedian guest a roast has ever had, in that every comic could absolutely obliterate her into the next dimension. No one holds back, and Anne’s face almost moves.
Anthony Jeselnick on Charlie Sheen
“Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law and Order SVU”
Greg Giraldo on Joan Rivers
“How much worse could your real face look than that clown mask you’ve had welded on your head. You used to look your age now you don’t even look your species.”
Sean Heyes on Robert DeNiro
“Robert, what is a legend like you doing at a comedy roast? Is this the same Robert DeNiro who did Little Fockers and Dirty Grandpa? Yeah I guess it kind of makes sense. I can’t wait until someone makes an offer you can refuse.”
Jeff Ross on David Hasselhoff
He’s the king of roasts for a reason.
“What are the odds an alcoholic gets cast on a show that drives itself?”
Lisa Lampenelli on Ron White
“Ron White has disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig.”
Gilbert Gottfried: The Artistocrats
After a 9/11 joke turned the whole audience against him, Gottfreid told perhaps his most famous and filthiest joke, The Aristocrats.
Norm Macdonald Bombing The Roast of Bob Saget
When the producers of The Roast OF Bob Saget asked Norm to be shocking, he figured he'd do the opposite. What ensues is 8 minutes of Norm purposefully bombing, while friends like Saget and Gilbert Gottfried lose their minds.. Norm says he got all the jokes from a book his father gave him called “Jokes To Tell At A Retirement Party.”
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Top Image: Comedy Central