Today’s the day of the 2022 NFL Draft, and I’ll admit I am an absolute sucker for it. What can I say, I love to see a 300 pound man cry on national television. It also, of course, means the end of mock draft season. Now, Cracked is far from a sports site, and I am far from what experts would deem “knowledgeable” about the NFL in any sort of reasonable depth. But I’m not going to let that stop me from putting together my own first-round 2022 mock draft, with a twist.

I am going to attempt to make the worst mock draft of the year 2022. My goal here will be to be wrong on absolutely every pick. The draft by its nature is capricious and full of smokescreens, so even the best mock drafters are nowhere near perfect, but I want to go absolutely 0/32. Which I do believe actually takes some level of knowledge, the same way that getting a zero on a test is impressive in its own right.

Now, here are some ground rules, so that I can’t just fill every pick with someone who is a massive reach, or long snappers, or does not participate in organized football whatsoever. The player pool I pick from has to be players who are considered likely to actually go in the first round. To add extra challenge, every player must be drafted near their consensus pick, taken from this list coming from mocks by the most accurate experts. I’m also not including trades because that’s the easiest way to wreck a mock on purpose. This is a careful, calculated, and precise attempt to absolutely blow it. If all goes well, I should end up with a draft that looks like a real draft at first glance, but is as wrong as is humanly possible.

So let’s get started, and feel free to follow along like reverse bingo come draft time at 8 pm ET tonight.

PICK 1 - JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS - SAUCE GARDNER

Now, it’s hard to find a position that the Jaguars don’t need, because their team sucks big time. With that in mind, I just have to go for the least premium position among the top 5, which is CB Ahmad “Sauce” Gardner. He’s good, but just not as valuable as OT or EDGE.

PICK 2 - DETROIT LIONS - EVAN NEAL

Detroit is set at offensive line, making either Ickey Ekwonu or Evan Neal the least likely pick here. Neal slightly edges out Ekwonu here because of lower ceiling and rumors of medical issues. If Aidan Hutchinson goes first, however, I will be sweating.

PICK 3 - HOUSTON TEXANS - TRAVON WALKER

I’m honestly not feeling great about getting this one wrong. Like the Jaguars, the Texans are a deeply awful football team. With that in mind, I have to rely on the fact that I don’t see Travon Walker slipping past the second pick, assuming Hutchinson/Walker are the first and second pick in some order. If the Jags take Ickey Ekwonu or Evan Neal, I’m probably boned here.

PICK 4 - NEW YORK JETS - CHARLES CROSS

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the Jets take a tackle, with rumors of problems with Mekhi Becton. With that in mind, I have to go with Charles Cross, hoping and assuming either Evan Neal or Ickey Ekwonu are still on the board and are preferred.

PICK 5 - NEW YORK GIANTS - KAYVON THIBODEAUX

It’s a good pick, I just expect them to make it at 7, with the Panthers also looking at OL, so that they can get the tackle they want and expecting Thibodeaux to still be there at 7.

PICK 6 - CAROLINA PANTHERS - GARRETT WILSON

Garrett Wilson is an excellent receiver. The Panthers are in panic mode because their head coach is likely gone if he doesn’t do well next season. However good he is, a WR at 6 is the move of a team that is much better than the Panthers are.

PICK 7 - NEW YORK GIANTS - IKEM EKWONU

Ekwonu doesn’t drop this far, and if he was going to, the Giants would have taken him at 5.

PICK 8 - ATLANTA FALCONS - DEREK STINGLEY, JR.

The Falcons are also a team that is, in layman’s terms, in absolute shambles. They need basically everything. AJ Terrell at CB and Kyle Pitts at TE are the only locks on the roster that aren’t banned for the 2022 season for gambling, like Calvin Ridley. There are no TEs reasonably taken around here, so I’m betting they don’t double down on a second CB.

PICK 9 - SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - DRAKE LONDON

I could see the Seahawks going for a WR here, but I don’t see them drafting Baby Metcalf when they have the real DK Metcalf and Tyler Lockett already. A burner like Jameson Williams could be in play, so I don’t want to risk it.

PICK 10 - NEW YORK JETS - TRENT MCDUFFIE

This is just barely a reach. I don’t think it would be unreasonable, but it’s a risky pick by a team that needs to get their picks right.

PICK 11 - WASHINGTON COMMANDERS - JERMAINE JOHNSON II

With Chase Young and Montez Sweat on the edge, Washington is the rare team that probably doesn’t see much value in a top edge rusher.

PICK 12 - MINNESOTA VIKINGS - CHRIS OLAVE

I would like to think that the Vikings feel good about their WRs, and I think Olave goes in the second half of the round, with another higher-rated receiver probably available here.

PICK 13 - HOUSTON TEXANS - JAMESON WILLIAMS

I just think Williams is gone by now. Yeah, he tore his ACL, but he was WR1 before that, and nowadays sports doctors can fix an ACL practically in their sleep.

PICK 14 - BALTIMORE RAVENS - DEVIN LLOYD

A first round pick on a LB when they already have Patrick Queen in the middle? For the sake of this mock, and Ravens fans, I hope not.

PICK 15 - PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - TREVOR PENNING

I could see the Eagles going a whole lot of different ways in this pick. I can’t choose any WR, because they don’t know what they’re doing when they draft WRs either. Tackle feels the wrongest to me. So I’m going with that.

PICK 16 - NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - ZION JOHNSON

The Saints have a massive crush on Chris Olave by all reports, and even if he’s not there, QB is in play, maybe even tackle. I think G just falls by the wayside.

PICK 17 - LOS ANGELES CHARGERS - NAKOBE DEAN

The Chargers are absolutely awful against the run. That makes me think that an undersized MLB is not going to be that appealing. I also think even if they go LB, Lloyd is still here.

PICK 18 - PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - TYLER SMITH

I’ll give myself a bit of a hedge here by saying the Eagles will take two offensive tackles, which would be a somewhat insane thing to do.

PICK 19 - NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - TREYLON BURKS

If the Saints have a WR they like, I think they’re taking him at 16. Treylon Burks just feels wrong here, and I’m going with my anti-gut.

PICK 20 - PITTSBURGH STEELERS - GEORGE KARLAFTIS

I need to get rid of George Karlaftis here because an edge rusher on a slide is always in danger of getting picked, and Pittsburgh is probably taking Malik Willis here, as they’ve pretty much said the whole time. Either way they have no problem getting pressure.

PICK 21 - NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - CHRISTIAN WATSON

Christian Watson is an exciting but raw athletic specimen, wide receiver, and a little bit of a reach. The Patriots hate drafting all three of those things.

PICK 22 - GREEN BAY PACKERS - ANDREW BOOTH, JR

Between Jaire Alexander, the ascending Eric Stokes, and Rasul Douglas who played well last season, the Packers are obnoxiously set at CB. I also could have said any WR, because Packers.

PICK 23 - ARIZONA CARDINALS - KENYON GREEN

Why draft an interior offensive lineman when your quarterback is going to be running around every play anyways.

PICK 24 - DALLAS COWBOYS - BREECE HALL

The Cowboys can’t afford to draft a first round running back when they’re still paying the Ghost of Ezekiel Elliott Past a billion dollars a year.

PICK 25 - BUFFALO BILLS - SKYY MOORE

WR is not the Bills' biggest worry, especially when it’s not a blue-chip one.

PICK 26 - TENNESSEE TITANS - TYLER LINDERBAUM

The Titans' offensive line is very good, and getting a new center seems like a move of a rebuilding team, not one in their SB window.

PICK 27 - TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - QUAY WALKER

The Bucs are stacked at LB already. I don’t see Quay Walker beating out Lavonte David and company for a spot.

PICK 28 - GREEN BAY PACKERS - DAXTON HILL

Between Darnell Savage and Adrian Amos, the Packers are set at safety.

PICK 29 - KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - BOYE MAFE

With Chris Jones and Frank Clark, I don’t see a need for DE beyond depth.

PICK 30 - KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - DESMOND RIDDER

I tried to not draft QBs because of how easy this is. But with two picks in a row I’m giving myself a break. Not to sound CRAZY, but I don’t see the Chiefs moving on from Patrick Mahomes anytime soon.

PICK 31 - CINCINNATI BENGALS - JAHAN DOTSON

The Bengals are set at WR between Tee Higgins and Jamarr Chase, who they just spent the #4 pick on last year.

PICK 32 - DETROIT LIONS - DEVONTE WYATT

An IDL that by all reports has worrying character concerns that sound exactly like what Dan Campbell and company don’t want to have to worry about during a rebuild. If he’s even on the board here.

There it is. My attempt to create 2022’s absolute worst NFL Mock Draft. Think there are worse picks to be made? Think I’m playing with fire on certain players? Let me know in the comments.

Top Image: TigerNet/Pexels

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