Ok, look. I know that we’ve pretty thoroughly ruined the environment. I know we’re all recycling our Mountain Dew bottles and pretending we’re going to fix it, but I think we’re all aware we might have kinda blown it. When I’m an old man sitting on his porch in a rocking chair, I realize that I will probably be looking out upon what the human race now calls “The Endless Sea.” I’m aware of the general threat of climate change and I’m not exactly looking to the future with rose-colored glasses.

But I found out today that one-fifth of reptiles worldwide are facing extinction. And now I am honestly kind of panicking. Reptiles in general? All of them? Not just like types of sea turtles or snakes from the Amazon, but straight up one-fifth of REPTILES? This is #$%@ed. I’m not a big reptile guy, I don’t have a pet snake because I’m not a drug dealer from the 90s, I’m not the hugest fan of lizards in general. Which is why the pure amount of guilt I’m feeling right now is surprising. Even the King Cobra is now classified as vulnerable to extinction. That’s like, the number one coolest reptile. If we’re going to slap it all over tattooed biceps and BMX bike frames, we have a responsibility to keep these things around.

king cobra

Pixabay

My children deserve the chance to get bit by one of these while raiding a tomb.

Ecologically, knowing the massive effects that the absence of a single animal in a biome can have, I have to assume that just 20% of reptiles being gone cannot be helping. Is this the harbinger of some sort of massive field mouse uprising? There’s no way to know for sure. Look, biologists, you have done it, you have found a way to capture my full attention. I am on Team Reptile now. Tell me what I have to do so that a fifth of them don’t just disappear. Do they need more rocks to gently sun on? Do I need to defend turtle egg nests with a taser? I’m even possibly willing to… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… if it really helps, I’ll use those awful paper straws.

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

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