Sadly, we won't even get an Independence Day-like cool explosion to bid adieu to some of our greatest landmarks, which may disappear because of climate change. Most of them will just be slowly swallowed by the sea, including but not limited to: The Statue Of Liberty, Fortress Of Cartagena, Easter Island Moai, and, tragically, Harriet Tubman Underground Railroad National Monument. And it's not just landmarks, either. The disturbing ascension of sea levels is even endangering whole cities, like Alexandria, Venice, and Vancouver. National Parks will take their share of the damage, too. Mesa Verde National Park will probably die in a fire, while Joshua Tree is experiencing a slow collapse of its ecological system. An honorable mention goes to Glacier National Park in Montana, which isn't in danger of disappearing, but scientists predict it will be "glacier-free by 2030" and therefore utterly pointless.
And we won't even have a great U2 album to remember it by.
But the most creative way pollution is dismantling human history is happening at Stonehenge. The soil beneath this famous enigma is slowly being eroded by flash floods and freaking moles, who are multiplying like crazy thanks to the warmer summers. The moles are expanding their underground tunnels, which means it's only a matter of time until Stonehenge collapses into the earth like a Jenga tower in a sinkhole.
OK, so much of the world will be stricken by the curse of Atlantis, and our new beach fronts will be a bunch of arid parking lots in the middle of flooded suburbs, but think of how great these new ecological phenomena will be for epic nature walks! Sure, those will be great, but only if you like dead forests and malaria. At the current rate of global warming, several forests, including the Amazon, are experiencing "massive tree mortality." If that rise ever were to double, it could easily trigger "massive extinctions and widespread ecosystem collapse." But it's not all death and decay with global warming. Thanks to the combo of longer warm weather seasons and unpredictable weather patterns, certain insects populations will not only explode, but will also be blasted across the world like history's most disgusting shotgun. A few of these baby booming bugs are also neat little vectors of misery, carrying nastiness like West Nile virus, dengue fever and Lyme disease. So no need to leave your house, really. Soon enough everyone will be able to catch an exotic debilitating illness while lounging at their backyard pool.
"Sorry, guys. Someone pooped and there's malaria.
We get it, fixing climate change will be tough. We've got a long road ahead of us, and too many people making out with the asphalt. But just in case this all goes tits up, remember this guide to surviving climate change: Don't go outside, don't stay indoors, don't rely on electrical devices, try to stay fit without nutrition or exercise, try not to die from random dengue fever outbreak, forget the past, abandon the future, and go see the Statue Of Liberty before it sinks into the ocean or air travel becomes impossible. Shouldn't be too hard.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.
On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.
Get your tickets here.
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