Ahhh, the time of unattractive hats and celebrity sex tapes. The 2000s were what happens when you think the world is going to end and then it doesn’t and you just looks stupid standing around in your low-cut jeans, when technology advances by light years but no one is cool enough to handle it. It’s no wonder no one really knew what to say, but they tried. Oh, they tried.

“Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem ft. Rihanna

Rihanna

(Interscope Records/YouTube)

“Now you get to watch her leave out the window/Guess that's why they call it window pane”

Yep, Eminem just dropped a dad joke in a song about domestic violence.

“Whenever, Wherever” by Shakira

Shakira

(Epic Records/YouTube)

“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don't confuse them with mountains”

Was that a risk? Also, are big boobs inherently proud?

“All These Things That I’ve Done” by the Killers

“I got soul, but I’m not a soldier”

This song is apparently about former MTV VJ Matt Pinfield and his work mentoring vets. That doesn’t make this line less stupid.

“In Da Club” by 50 Cent

50 Cent

(Interscope Records/YouTube)

“Look, mami, I got the X if you into takin' drugs”

Who says “taking drugs”? This just makes him sound like a cop.

“Drops of Jupiter” by Train

“Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?”

One of these things is philosophically opposite of the others. There’s also something about a soy latte later that we just can’t even get into.

“Hey, Soul Sister” by Train

Train

(Columbia Records/YouTube)

“So gangsta, I’m so thug”

Honestly, Train’s whole catalog is, well, a wreck, but no middle-aged white guy should be allowed to describe himself as “thug” unless he’s literally Al Capone.

“All Summer Long” by Kid Rock

“We were trying different things/We were smoking funny things”

He rhymed “things” with “things”! As if it wasn’t bad enough that he ruined two great songs.

“She Bangs” by Ricky Martin

Ricky Martin

(Columbia Records/YouTube)

“She bangs, she bangs/Oh, baby, when she moves, she moves/I go crazy 'cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in history”

We took a poll of the entire world, and no one knows what “bangs” is supposed to mean in this context. Also, there were surely some girls in history who looked like weeds and minded their own business.

“St. Anger” by Metallica

“I’m madly in anger with you”

Aside from the fact that some middle-aged guy clearly thought he was very clever by flipping this particular script, that’s not really how those words work. Maybe you’re in hate, but this is like saying you’re “madly in horniness” with someone.

“Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit

Limp Bizkit

(Interscope Records/YouTube)

“I hope you know I pack a chainsaw”

2000s tough guys had a weird habit of comically overselling their danger. Like, yeah, we would know if you packed a chainsaw, Mr. Durst. It would be extremely visible.

“Complicated” by Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne

(Arista Records/YouTube)

“Take off all your preppy clothes”

Ironically, only complete dorks used “preppy” in a derogatory sense past, oh, about 1995.

“Mix your milk with my cocoa puffs/Milky, milky cocoa”

It’s clear what he’s going for on a symbolic level, but it’s also a visual no one wants.

“Vertigo” by U2

U2

(Island Records/YouTube)

“Uno, dos, tres, catorce!”

For the non–Spanish speakers, that’s “One, two, three, fourteen!” It’s dumb in any language.

“S.E.X.” by Nickelback

“Sex is always the answer/It's never a question 'cause the answer's yes”

Chad Nickelback says a lot of weird things, but this is a straight-up contradiction. It’s also something your teenage boyfriend would say to look cool.

“Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys

(RCA Records/YouTube)

“She’s just a girl/And she’s on fire”

In case anyone wasn’t sure based on the title of the song and the repeated refrain that “this girl is on fire,” Alicia Keys wants to make it very clear that there is a girl, and the girl is on fire. Honestly, we’re not even mad. We just have a few more questions: Is she a girl? And is she on fire?

Top image: Columbia Records/YouTube

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