The Navy Decided $4.5 Billion Worth Of Ships Suck And They Need New Ones
Do you remember times when you were a kid, and some toy or video game flashed across a commercial break on Cartoon Network, and suddenly, it was a completely necessary part of your life? From the first sight of it, you just knew: the next month of your life was about to be an ongoing litigation between you and your parents on how much you needed it? That your life would be an empty husk without two little robots that battled each other? The unbridled joy when your borderline mental torture during every car ride finally resulted in a resigned trip to your local Toys R’ Us? And the shame you felt 3 months later when you found that toy again, dusty and sad, in the back of your closet next to its oversold kin?
Well, apparently that’s what the US Navy is doing, except that instead of 40 dollars, their toys cost 4.5 billion dollars, and without any of the shame. AP reports that the Navy wants to decommission 9 ships, none of them over 10 years old, that cost, yes, a four then a five then 8 zeroes. Now, the comparison above might be a little hyperbolic, and of course it is, because you’re reading a comedy website, not a medical journal. But there’s enough parallels that I feel fine with it.
The 9 ships in question, part of a total group of 24 ships to be decommissioned, are described by the Navy as unsuitable for current needs. They’re small, fast ships that were developed to chase down pirates. Since there is no current War on Pirates, apparently they’re not doing much, and even though they were sold as being versatile and modular, most of those plans never materialized. (But mom, if I get a Razor Scooter, I can ride it to school every day! It’s so versatile!)
These ships were originally proposed as part of a program shortly after the September 11 attacks, which is the American version of asking for toys during your parents’ divorce when they’re an insecure, emotional wreck. The Navy says that they want to decommission them to save on operating and maintenance costs, which they want to use to: buy new, bigger ships. Of course.
How about this, Navy. You can have ONE new ship. And once you prove that you’re going to use it, THEN we can talk about getting you the rest of the collection.